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My Summer Reading List

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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My Summer Reading List

Another swampish July will soon be upon us, bringing with it the promise of sweltering heat, golden pitchers of ice-cold lemon-ade administered to me in enema-form, and the nightmarish prospect of sunlight which lasts until nine o'clock at night. Monstrous! When I was a lad, it was dark from five in the evening until noon the next day, and the July temperature never exceeded fifty degrees on Professor-Doktor Fahrenheit's scale. I am certain that the world is hurtling ever closer to the Sun, overbalanced as it is on one side by the overbreeding of the fecund Hindoo, but at present there is little I can do about it.

Still, if July is the cruelest month, it at least provides some relief in the form of the annual re-drilling of my cataracts. This irrigation, performed by the able hands of Doc McGillicuddy, prevents my eyes, swollen as they are with a milky, bilious substance, from bursting in the cruel heat of summer, running down my face and pooling in my lap.

As the publisher of the Republic's greatest news-paper, my entire life and livelihood have been shaped by the printed word. However, I still enjoy it immensely, no matter how cruelly it has twisted my life and I believe books may be the salvation of our vile populist society, once the bad ones have been collected in great piles and set alight, and, of course, once G.K. Chesterton is hunted down and shot.

Here is my reading-list for the next six weeks:

Extraordinary Popular Delusions And The Madness Of Crowds by Charles Mackay. A valuable primer for the management of large populations.

The Rivet In Grand-Father's Neck by James Branch Cabell, which I chose on title alone.

Delta Of Venus by Anais Nin. I love a good strapping travel book.

The Wizard Of Oz by L. Frank Baum. A nightmarish cautionary tale of agrarian revolution–complete with a hideous tin ro-bot!

Flowers In The Attic by V.C. Andrews. An endearing naturalist perspective on child-hood–somewhat twee, but undeniably heart-warming.

The Book of Leviticus.

Goddamn The Lot Of You, my autobiography. I have been told it was written by ghosts, and the super-natural intrigues me.

These books should occupy your feeble minds for the rest of the year; and, come to think of it, what I read is none of your God-damned business any-way.

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