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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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My Year-End Bowel Movement Round-Up

Another year has come and gone. And what an eventful year it was! Among my many accomplishments: I published my long-awaited autobiography; unsuccessfully courted a young milk-maid; blackmailed President Harding; wrote a play; formed a foot-ball team; attempted suicide; and, perhaps most memorably, hired the terrifying mechanical ro-bot Mr. Tin to replace my walrus of a nurse, who abandoned me to join up with my hated nemesis, the rogue thief and highway-man Black Scarlet.

As is the annual custom, I will now present my list of my most noteworthy bowel movements of the past year. If you have a problem with it, you can kiss my bottom! After all, I've lived on this miserable orb for 132 years, and no-one, not even William Randolph Hearst, has had more bowel movements than myself, let alone such memorable ones.

Admittedly, the list has gotten considerably shorter of late, as I have not eaten in 28 years. In fact, I'm not exactly sure what it is I am extruding. But I do not wish to renege on the solemn pledge I made in these pages back in 1906: to make my bowel movements a matter of public record for all to see. This year's list is as follows:

Friday, March 28—Witnessed a comet streak through the heavens, and in terror spontaneously shat myself.

Tuesday, June 10—Standish fills in for my traitorous nurse. As he removes my diaper, he is buffeted by a powerful jet of pasty yellow fecal matter.

Monday, Oct. 6—A thin brownish dribble is the best I can coax from my ancient rectum. Oh, for the days of my youth, when my average daily yield could fertilize a good acre of sorghum!

Sunday, Dec. 7—God bless Augustus, my stable-boy! I caught him in my bed-chamber last night, trying to place some horse-shit in my diaper. He had hoped I would wake in the morning and think it was my doing, thereby restoring my spirits. I am truly fortunate to have such a thoughtful and faithful servant in my employ. He shall get a shiny nickel for his efforts!

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