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My Year-End Bowel Movement Round-Up

Another year has come and gone. And what an eventful year it was! Among my many accomplishments: I published my long-awaited autobiography; unsuccessfully courted a young milk-maid; blackmailed President Harding; wrote a play; formed a foot-ball team; attempted suicide; and, perhaps most memorably, hired the terrifying mechanical ro-bot Mr. Tin to replace my walrus of a nurse, who abandoned me to join up with my hated nemesis, the rogue thief and highway-man Black Scarlet.

As is the annual custom, I will now present my list of my most noteworthy bowel movements of the past year. If you have a problem with it, you can kiss my bottom! After all, I've lived on this miserable orb for 132 years, and no-one, not even William Randolph Hearst, has had more bowel movements than myself, let alone such memorable ones.

Admittedly, the list has gotten considerably shorter of late, as I have not eaten in 28 years. In fact, I'm not exactly sure what it is I am extruding. But I do not wish to renege on the solemn pledge I made in these pages back in 1906: to make my bowel movements a matter of public record for all to see. This year's list is as follows:

Friday, March 28—Witnessed a comet streak through the heavens, and in terror spontaneously shat myself.

Tuesday, June 10—Standish fills in for my traitorous nurse. As he removes my diaper, he is buffeted by a powerful jet of pasty yellow fecal matter.

Monday, Oct. 6—A thin brownish dribble is the best I can coax from my ancient rectum. Oh, for the days of my youth, when my average daily yield could fertilize a good acre of sorghum!

Sunday, Dec. 7—God bless Augustus, my stable-boy! I caught him in my bed-chamber last night, trying to place some horse-shit in my diaper. He had hoped I would wake in the morning and think it was my doing, thereby restoring my spirits. I am truly fortunate to have such a thoughtful and faithful servant in my employ. He shall get a shiny nickel for his efforts!

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GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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