Never Say Diet!

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Vol 31 Issue 03

Ugly Girl Killed

CASPER, WY—The murder of clumsy, unattractive, 6-year-old Edith Pelphrey has not sent shockwaves of grief through the nation.

Clinton Clinton

WASHINGTON, DC—It was confirmed Monday that President Bill Clinton, who was Bill Clinton throughout the entire four years of his first term, is still Bill Clinton. "We are pleased with the stability of the president's identity," White House spokesperson Kathleen Shepherd told reporters. "It indicates that President Clinton is unlikely to transform from Bill Clinton into a non-Clinton form." Washington officials hope Clinton can remain Clinton throughout his second term, preventing unfortunate events such as in November 1975, when President Gerald Ford was briefly What's Happenin's Rerun.

New Low Stooped To

SEATTLE—Standards were lowered even further Sunday when a new, previously unimagined low was stooped to. "I am shocked and outraged," area resident Gwen Withers told reporters. "I mean, I consider myself a pretty tolerant person, but this is just... eurgghh!" Experts predict the new low will remain steady for a period of weeks, after which it will lower yet again as mankind continues its centuries-long slide into total barbarism.

Christ To Wed Longtime Backup Singer

NASHVILLE—It was confirmed Tuesday that Jesus Christ, 1,996, is engaged to Felicia Tufton, 38, who has sung backup on all of Christ's albums since 1983's Ridin' The Beams. "We are very excited about this new chapter in Jesus' life," said Gerald Hart, Christ's manager. "The couple will take a two-week break for the wedding at the end of their current tour, and after the honeymoon, they'll be back in the studio finishing Jesus' forthcoming album, The Long Haul." In the wake of His decision to marry, Christ says His plans of redeeming humanity from sin will be put on hold "indefinitely" while He pursues family life.

Teen Makes Clever Remark During Science Class

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—A dry explanation of cellular reproduction was considerably lightened Monday when Arnold Hager, 15, made a witty and cutting remark to a classmate during science class. "I'd like to reproduce cellularly with Cindy Loomis," Hager told his lab partner, Dennis Wender, 15. "'Cause Cindy's got, like, huge amoebas." Reactions to the remark varied: The class' teacher, Mr. Scarpelli, 58, angrily assigned extra homework, while student Brett Bunn, 16, giggled uncontrollably.

Redford To Re-Digitize Ordinary People, Improve Space Battle

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Robert Redford took time off from his Sundance Film Festival duties this week to oversee the final Industrial Light and Magic re-digitization of his Academy Award-winning 1980 drama Ordinary People. "I've always been bothered by a couple of the scenes, and I've really wanted to redo them using some of the new technology," Redford said. "For instance, in the scene where the Timothy Hutton character first confronts his mother about the older son's death, you can see certain imperfections in the space battle going on in the background." ILM technicians are also adding a series of large, spectacular explosions to the second Judd Hirsch therapist scene, and the spaceship exhaust emanating from Donald Sutherland's car will take on a more realistic, fiery appearance with the help of new special-effects technology. Five minutes of new footage edited out of the original will also be added, including Mary Tyler Moore's secret meeting with an alien bounty hunter who for years has repressed his abusive childhood.

Charitable Donations

Americans have contributed a steadily increasing amount of money to charity over the past 10 years. Why?

Down With The Income Tax!

Reading from his enormous ledger book, my accountant informed me today that my decision to purchase the Almagamated Vulcanized Testicle Company had resulted in a considerable loss, and I had no choice but to sell. Drat the foul luck! Why isn't the fool public purchasing rubber testicles? They're easy to care for and jaunty-looking, and they emit a pleasant odor!
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Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Never Say Diet!

Okay, 'fess up. How many of you are still keeping your New Year's resolutions? Let's see a show of hands! Be honest, now!

Well, listen—don't feel so bad. February hasn't even begun yet, and already I've blown the Hamburger Diet! If you recall, in my last column I told you I was reading this book I got at the supermarket, which said that if you eat nine ounces of hamburger for lunch and dinner, then drink a quart of water afterwards, you could lose upwards of two pounds a day.

I was really psyched and filled my freezer with so much ground chuck I had to throw out hubby Rick's Kenny Rogers Roasters. (Don't tell him, he still hasn't noticed!) And I adhered to it religiously for the first three days. But I got so sick of eating hamburger that the sight of it turned my stomach!

And I was drinking so much water that my co-workers at the insurance company where I temp were giving me strange looks after visiting the bathroom for the fifth time in a single morning! That couldn't have looked too good! I mean, what if they thought I was taking drugs or something?

After blowing the Hamburger Diet, I felt really disgusted with myself. My old feelings of low self-esteem and lack of will power returned with a vengeance. Which, of course, made me want to eat! When I'm depressed, look out refrigerator, here I come! You don't want to be a chocolate cake when I'm around! I'm a yo-yo dieter—"Yo, yo, got any chocolate ice cream?" (I heard that on Def Comedy Jam!)

I've been on so many diets, you can just call me Oprah Winfrey! Oprah's lost a lot of weight, though, and she's managed to keep it off, and I have to give her a lot of credit. But I suppose I'd lose weight too if I had my own personal chef and fitness trainer. (Have you seen him on TV? What a hunk! He's got the tightest buns!)

Another person I really admire is Richard Simmons, because he really gives so much of himself. I was on his Deal-A-Meal plan about eight years ago, and I actually lost about 10 pounds. But leave it to Rick to louse things up. He taped over my motivational cassette with one of his Vince Gill albums! You'd think he could tell the difference between my prerecorded Deal-A-Meal tapes and blank cassettes! But noo! And, on top of that, instead of apologizing, he just muttered something about Richard Simmons being a fag, anyway.

But you know what really boils me? Here I am feeling all guilty about my weight, while hubby Rick never seems to worry about his at all. And he's no stringbean, let me tell you! The other night, Rick comes home with two extra-large deep-dish meat-lover's pizzas with extra cheese. It was like, "Thanks, Rick, you know I'm dieting!"

I limited myself to four slices, but apparently, dieting has had some effect on my metabolism, because when I finished, I was so stuffed I was ready to be rolled out of the room! Here was Rick, practically inhaling his pizza, watching Ultimate Fighting highlights on ESPN2 and unzipping his fly to let his big belly hang out! It's getting to the point that we can't even go out anymore, because he has the manners of a pig. (And I'm not talking Babe!)

One of my diet books says that inside every overweight person is a thin person dying to get out. But sometimes, I actually kind of like being overweight. There's nothing better than getting home from work, eating a hearty dinner and a yummy chocolate soufflé you've been thinking about all day, then curling up on the sofa with your People magazine in your hand, your NFL expansion team afghan on your lap, and your favorite soaps on the VCR. Then you get all sleepy and pleasant thoughts flood through your head, like dirty dancing with Patrick Swayze or driving in a Ferrari with George Clooney. Now, to me, that's the perfect evening, and it's all possible because of a few extra pounds!

Eat your heart out, Victoria's Secret models!

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