adBlockCheck

No One Even Heard Of This Company Till I Dragged Us Into A Corporate Scandal

Top Headlines

Criminal Justice

Angie Tribeca

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot

MASON CITY, IA—Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the state’s three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more pr...

FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound

HYANNIS PORT, MA—In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings...

Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the f...

Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Insisting that the dangerous individual could be literally anywhere right now, a paranoid, wild-eyed Oscar Pistorius was reportedly overheard muttering to his defense lawyers numerous times during his murder trial Thursday tha...

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings

MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern Califor...

Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murd...

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Trac...

Athlete Arrested

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening. A police report confirmed that the high-profile player faces multiple charges, includi...

Popeye's Home Boiglerized

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m.

Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Holidays

Criminal Justice

Angie Tribeca

No One Even Heard Of This Company Till I Dragged Us Into A Corporate Scandal

Gentlemen, hello. Sorry I'm late. I had a hell of a time getting in the front door. Can you believe all those cameras? It's a zoo out there. You practically need a helicopter to... Okay, why the long faces? Great, everyone's mad at me. Hey, before I caused this corporate scandal, no one had even heard of Tevcom.

Our investors and our clients? Okay, yes, those are a few people who knew our name. But who else? Our brand recognition was zilch among average Americans—unless they mowed our company golf course or gave rubdowns in the spa up on the 45th floor. But when someone says "Tevcom" now, there's not a person in the room who doesn't think "national telecommunications firm."

Yes Schmidt, a "national telecommunications firm that defrauded investors of billions of dollars through insider trading, falsification of records, and securities fraud." But we made the front page of every important newspaper in the country! Tevcom! Above the fold! We're going head to head with a war, and who got the bigger typeface? You can't buy publicity like that.

Johnson, $5.2 billion isn't the cost of the publicity. It's the total we're going to pay out in fines and legal fees. The publicity is priceless.

Come on, guys. The press hasn't been all bad. Those stories about our $7 million Caligula party made us look like total players. Sting's performance, the Kobe beef appetizer trays in the bathrooms, and the Venus ice sculpture that lactated White Russians? We redefined what people thought about the old, boring telecom industry. And no matter what they're saying, those parties were valid business expenditures. We must've cinched four or five deals that night.

So, you guys are gonna turn your tails and run like squirrels because Jay Leno made a joke about our monthly board meetings in Aruba? It's not like no one else in the industry gives incentives to their employees. You, Kirkson: Look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't earn your $2 million bonus. That money was my way of saying I believe in you, Kirkson. Won't you believe in me?

I can see now that I'm not going to get one bit of thanks. Do you think it's easy to get on C-SPAN? The government doesn't put just anyone in front of a congressional subcommittee. Thousands of Americans saw me get dressed down by Chuck Schumer. That's right, United States senator Chuck Schumer. In calling my actions "a disgraceful abuse of the public trust," he used the company's name 14 times.

What? The employees should be happy. Now when they tell their in-laws where they work, it'll lead to some dinner conversation. Tell the drones their stock will go back up once we get this mess sorted out. And if it doesn't, they can sell their Tevcom-logo paperweights on eBay. Our "Tevcom Pride" company-picnic T-shirts are probably going for $50 a pop. Shit. I wish we hadn't burned all those memos. We could've gotten a boatload of money for those.

Come on, you Suzies. What's the worst thing that could happen? Some of us might have to do a little time? Boo hoo hoo. Hard time in a country-club prison. And when we get out, we'll make a king's ransom on the lecture circuit: "Ladies and gentlemen, I was at the top, until everything came crashing down. I've learned a hard lesson and I'm better for it." Now give me my check and I'll be on my way to the Sheraton executive lounge.

Fine, if you're all going to be this way, let's get this meeting over with. Ooh! Real quick, though: When you leave tonight, if you plan to cover your face, make sure to wear your Tevcom windbreaker.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close