No One Even Heard Of This Company Till I Dragged Us Into A Corporate Scandal

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Vol 41 Issue 19

Upper-Middle-Class Man Vows To Never Forget Middle-Class Roots

ELMBROOK, WI—Although he earns a salary in the low six figures, 38-year-old investment banker David Monreal said he will always stay true to his middle-class upbringing. "When I was a kid, both of my parents held down jobs just to help pay for our split-level ranch home and two Chryslers," Monreal said. "Mom used to have a rule: no TV during supper. No matter how big my portfolio gets, I'll never forget that rule." Monreal said he hopes one day to take his kids to the office where their Grandpa Joe toiled selling insurance for up to 40 hours a week.

Poster Vandal Enters 'Phallus In Mouth' Period

OAKLAND, CA—According to experts at the American Folk Art Museum, the billboard and subway-poster defacer known only as "Suck It" has entered his "phallus in mouth" phase. "As you can see, the artist has moved from drawing larger breasts on the lingerie models to depicting erect penises entering their mouths," said art critic Graham Kern, gesturing to a vandalized Victoria's Secret poster. "His Sharpie phalluses offer a stark contrast to the colorful hues of the ad, with simple lines recalling Henri Matisse's nudes." Kern said he has not seen such energetic lines since the poster vandal's "blackened-in teeth" period.

Joy Sucked Out Of Room By Pumped-Up Manager

CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Advertising project manager Dirk Hazelton's show of enthusiasm drained the creative spirit from the conference room Monday. "Man, the country loves this cheddar! The country needs this cheddar!" said Hazelton to his creative team, pumping his fists in the air. "Come on and join in. We all grew up on cheddar! What do you think of when you think of cheddar? Let's get some ideas on the board." Members of the creative team responded with mortified silence.

Fear Factor Creator's Will: 'Heirs Must Eat My Ashes To Collect Inheritance'

LOS ANGELES—According to details of Fear Factor creator John de Mol's will released Monday, his heirs cannot collect their inheritance until they complete a battery of challenges. "I do bequeath my estate to my wife and children, henceforth 'you,' on the condition that you fully consume the ashes from my freshly cremated corpse," the creator's will read. "Should you be able to complete the task, you will receive $10 million and a Caribbean vacation. Fail, and you'll be eliminated from my benefactors—unless you spend one hour locked in a coffin filled with maggots." Comedian Joe Rogan will serve as the will's executor.

Senators Lured Back To Emergency Session By Promise Of Free Pizza

WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. senators from both parties, tired and eager to go home to their families after a hard day of legislation, were enticed back into the Senate chamber for an emergency budget session Tuesday by the promise of Little Caesars. "I know it's been a long day, but if you stay late, there's gonna be pizza," said Majority Whip Mitch McConnell at 9:30 p.m. "Don't tell [Senate Majority Leader Bill] Frist, but stick around, and I'll make sure you all get an extra order of Crazy Bread with sauce." The senators only relented when McConnell promised that if they hammered out the budget by 1 a.m., they could rent Glengarry Glen Ross and watch it in the hearing room.

Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology

LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Monday by the American Institute of Religions, the Church of Scientology, once one of the fastest-growing religious organizations in the U.S., is steadily losing members to the much newer religion Fictionology.

Horoscope for the week of May 11, 2005

After a grueling three-year investigation, the National Transportation Safety Board will rule that a faulty steering valve in your tail section caused your tragic crash into that shopping mall.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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No One Even Heard Of This Company Till I Dragged Us Into A Corporate Scandal

Gentlemen, hello. Sorry I'm late. I had a hell of a time getting in the front door. Can you believe all those cameras? It's a zoo out there. You practically need a helicopter to... Okay, why the long faces? Great, everyone's mad at me. Hey, before I caused this corporate scandal, no one had even heard of Tevcom.

Our investors and our clients? Okay, yes, those are a few people who knew our name. But who else? Our brand recognition was zilch among average Americans—unless they mowed our company golf course or gave rubdowns in the spa up on the 45th floor. But when someone says "Tevcom" now, there's not a person in the room who doesn't think "national telecommunications firm."

Yes Schmidt, a "national telecommunications firm that defrauded investors of billions of dollars through insider trading, falsification of records, and securities fraud." But we made the front page of every important newspaper in the country! Tevcom! Above the fold! We're going head to head with a war, and who got the bigger typeface? You can't buy publicity like that.

Johnson, $5.2 billion isn't the cost of the publicity. It's the total we're going to pay out in fines and legal fees. The publicity is priceless.

Come on, guys. The press hasn't been all bad. Those stories about our $7 million Caligula party made us look like total players. Sting's performance, the Kobe beef appetizer trays in the bathrooms, and the Venus ice sculpture that lactated White Russians? We redefined what people thought about the old, boring telecom industry. And no matter what they're saying, those parties were valid business expenditures. We must've cinched four or five deals that night.

So, you guys are gonna turn your tails and run like squirrels because Jay Leno made a joke about our monthly board meetings in Aruba? It's not like no one else in the industry gives incentives to their employees. You, Kirkson: Look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't earn your $2 million bonus. That money was my way of saying I believe in you, Kirkson. Won't you believe in me?

I can see now that I'm not going to get one bit of thanks. Do you think it's easy to get on C-SPAN? The government doesn't put just anyone in front of a congressional subcommittee. Thousands of Americans saw me get dressed down by Chuck Schumer. That's right, United States senator Chuck Schumer. In calling my actions "a disgraceful abuse of the public trust," he used the company's name 14 times.

What? The employees should be happy. Now when they tell their in-laws where they work, it'll lead to some dinner conversation. Tell the drones their stock will go back up once we get this mess sorted out. And if it doesn't, they can sell their Tevcom-logo paperweights on eBay. Our "Tevcom Pride" company-picnic T-shirts are probably going for $50 a pop. Shit. I wish we hadn't burned all those memos. We could've gotten a boatload of money for those.

Come on, you Suzies. What's the worst thing that could happen? Some of us might have to do a little time? Boo hoo hoo. Hard time in a country-club prison. And when we get out, we'll make a king's ransom on the lecture circuit: "Ladies and gentlemen, I was at the top, until everything came crashing down. I've learned a hard lesson and I'm better for it." Now give me my check and I'll be on my way to the Sheraton executive lounge.

Fine, if you're all going to be this way, let's get this meeting over with. Ooh! Real quick, though: When you leave tonight, if you plan to cover your face, make sure to wear your Tevcom windbreaker.

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