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No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them

Life is a sacred gift from God. He decided that we should be born and, when the time comes, He decides that we should pass on from this world. We should be grateful for whatever precious moments He gives us—and no one, not even the terminally ill, has the right to die until God is done toying with them.

It doesn’t matter how sick you are. You don’t get to die until God messes with you for a while first.

Who are we to tamper with God’s plan? Who are we to say that our suffering has become too unbearable to go on living when God—who’s just looking for a little amusement—has weeks, months, or even years of agony lined up for us? Seriously, what kind of person ends his life before God’s batted him around a bit? He made us. He deserves a little fun.

Thing is, it’s not up to us when we’ve had enough sickness. We don’t get to choose when we’d rather not exist with Huntington’s disease or a brain tumor. Oh, sure, we might feel ready to die, but for all we know, God has literally decades of chronic pain, dramatic weight fluctuations, and debilitating fatigue in store for us, mixed in with some occasional good days and maybe even some false hope for recovery—it’s up to Him how long He’d like to be entertained by our helpless struggles. You see, God wants to take us on a ride—a wild, scary ride that He probably really enjoys watching from above—before finishing us off, and we have no right to slam the brakes.

Let’s say you’re 50 and have cancer. You’re not entitled to just stop battling and die at a place and time of your choosing. Cancer is God’s playground! If you ended your life at 50, do you have any idea how many promising stages of remission and soul-crushing relapses God would miss out on? Sorry, but this is going to take as long as the Almighty wants it to take. But the good news is, He always gets bored sooner or later.

And once He’s done jerking you around, then you’ll get that death you want so much.

You may think you’ve had enough of this world, that there’s no reason to go on anymore. But for all you know, God’s going to let you get better for a while so you can experience some more professional ups and downs and a disappointing second marriage before bringing you back around to your crippling illness years later. He may want to take you to the edge of bankruptcy a couple of times, or—who knows?—He might want you to struggle with someone else’s death. Maybe more than one person. I mean, this is why God made us to begin with.

Life can be hard. It can be painful. But that doesn’t change the fact that God created us and the world we walk on, and He gets to play with us for as long as He wants and until He’s tired of it. That may hurt to hear, but at least there’s one thing you can take comfort in.

It’ll all be over eventually.

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