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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them

Life is a sacred gift from God. He decided that we should be born and, when the time comes, He decides that we should pass on from this world. We should be grateful for whatever precious moments He gives us—and no one, not even the terminally ill, has the right to die until God is done toying with them.

It doesn’t matter how sick you are. You don’t get to die until God messes with you for a while first.

Who are we to tamper with God’s plan? Who are we to say that our suffering has become too unbearable to go on living when God—who’s just looking for a little amusement—has weeks, months, or even years of agony lined up for us? Seriously, what kind of person ends his life before God’s batted him around a bit? He made us. He deserves a little fun.

Thing is, it’s not up to us when we’ve had enough sickness. We don’t get to choose when we’d rather not exist with Huntington’s disease or a brain tumor. Oh, sure, we might feel ready to die, but for all we know, God has literally decades of chronic pain, dramatic weight fluctuations, and debilitating fatigue in store for us, mixed in with some occasional good days and maybe even some false hope for recovery—it’s up to Him how long He’d like to be entertained by our helpless struggles. You see, God wants to take us on a ride—a wild, scary ride that He probably really enjoys watching from above—before finishing us off, and we have no right to slam the brakes.

Let’s say you’re 50 and have cancer. You’re not entitled to just stop battling and die at a place and time of your choosing. Cancer is God’s playground! If you ended your life at 50, do you have any idea how many promising stages of remission and soul-crushing relapses God would miss out on? Sorry, but this is going to take as long as the Almighty wants it to take. But the good news is, He always gets bored sooner or later.

And once He’s done jerking you around, then you’ll get that death you want so much.

You may think you’ve had enough of this world, that there’s no reason to go on anymore. But for all you know, God’s going to let you get better for a while so you can experience some more professional ups and downs and a disappointing second marriage before bringing you back around to your crippling illness years later. He may want to take you to the edge of bankruptcy a couple of times, or—who knows?—He might want you to struggle with someone else’s death. Maybe more than one person. I mean, this is why God made us to begin with.

Life can be hard. It can be painful. But that doesn’t change the fact that God created us and the world we walk on, and He gets to play with us for as long as He wants and until He’s tired of it. That may hurt to hear, but at least there’s one thing you can take comfort in.

It’ll all be over eventually.

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