adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them

Life is a sacred gift from God. He decided that we should be born and, when the time comes, He decides that we should pass on from this world. We should be grateful for whatever precious moments He gives us—and no one, not even the terminally ill, has the right to die until God is done toying with them.

It doesn’t matter how sick you are. You don’t get to die until God messes with you for a while first.

Who are we to tamper with God’s plan? Who are we to say that our suffering has become too unbearable to go on living when God—who’s just looking for a little amusement—has weeks, months, or even years of agony lined up for us? Seriously, what kind of person ends his life before God’s batted him around a bit? He made us. He deserves a little fun.

Thing is, it’s not up to us when we’ve had enough sickness. We don’t get to choose when we’d rather not exist with Huntington’s disease or a brain tumor. Oh, sure, we might feel ready to die, but for all we know, God has literally decades of chronic pain, dramatic weight fluctuations, and debilitating fatigue in store for us, mixed in with some occasional good days and maybe even some false hope for recovery—it’s up to Him how long He’d like to be entertained by our helpless struggles. You see, God wants to take us on a ride—a wild, scary ride that He probably really enjoys watching from above—before finishing us off, and we have no right to slam the brakes.

Let’s say you’re 50 and have cancer. You’re not entitled to just stop battling and die at a place and time of your choosing. Cancer is God’s playground! If you ended your life at 50, do you have any idea how many promising stages of remission and soul-crushing relapses God would miss out on? Sorry, but this is going to take as long as the Almighty wants it to take. But the good news is, He always gets bored sooner or later.

And once He’s done jerking you around, then you’ll get that death you want so much.

You may think you’ve had enough of this world, that there’s no reason to go on anymore. But for all you know, God’s going to let you get better for a while so you can experience some more professional ups and downs and a disappointing second marriage before bringing you back around to your crippling illness years later. He may want to take you to the edge of bankruptcy a couple of times, or—who knows?—He might want you to struggle with someone else’s death. Maybe more than one person. I mean, this is why God made us to begin with.

Life can be hard. It can be painful. But that doesn’t change the fact that God created us and the world we walk on, and He gets to play with us for as long as He wants and until He’s tired of it. That may hurt to hear, but at least there’s one thing you can take comfort in.

It’ll all be over eventually.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close