No, You're Thinking Of David Doyle

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

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ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

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ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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No, You're Thinking Of David Doyle

Look, I'm only going to say this one more time. I did not play Bosley on Charlie's Angels. The character's name was Bosley, but he was played by David Doyle. Got it? Doyle. D-O-Y-L-E.

As long as we're on the subject, I also didn't play Ted Atwater on The New Dick Van Dyke Show, Francis Macklin on Sweet Surrender or Bridget's father Walter on Bridget Loves Bernie. All of these were played by--yes, you guessed it--David Goddamn Doyle.

You'd think that after almost 40 years in this business, people would have the decency to stop mixing me up with every half-wit with a SAG card. I mean, it's not like I haven't had a successful career. Father Dowling Mysteries. Wait Till Your Father Gets Home. That Was The Week That Was. Oh, and a little show called Happy Days. Perhaps you've heard of it. You know, Fonzie, Ralph Malph and Howard Cunningham? It was only the most popular program of the '70s. How long was Charlie's Angels on the air, three years?

Tell me, how many of the big guns, the true show-business giants, has your precious David Doyle worked with? Wow, Farrah Fawcett-Majors and Meredith Baxter-Birney. Talk about your 5,000-megawatt star power.

Tell me, was it Doyle who downed martinis with Dino on his hit variety show? No. Was it Doyle who co-starred with the spunky Sandy Duncan and the always-glamorous Debbie Reynolds on their popular sitcoms? Methinks not. And I don't recall Doyle ever guesting on Murder, She Wrote, much less playing Sheriff Amos Tupper for four highly rated seasons. No, my friends, that was I, Tom Fucking-A Bosley.

Of course, I mean no disrespect to the late Mr. Doyle. He was a man of great talent. After all, no one could touch his Grandpa Pickles on Rugrats, especially not that charisma-free hack voicing him in the movie version.

But just between you and me, let's face it: Doyle couldn't have pulled off Belle's father in the Broadway smash-hit Beauty And The Beast, or Ben Franklin in John Jakes' acclaimed mini-series The Bastard. And just imagine a world in which Doyle was the Glad trash bags' spokesman for over a decade. That is not the kind of world in which I would ever want to live.

Oh, and speaking of commercials, I wasn't the Maytag repairman either, you dingbats. That was Jesse White, until he died. Now it's Gordon Jump, Mr. Carlson from WKRP In Cincinnati. Which reminds me. I didn't play Mr. Carlson on WKRP, either. Or Tom Bradford on Eight Is Enough, or Doc Bricker on The Love Boat. Not even Chief Carl Kanisky on Gimme A Break. Idiots.

I'm Tom Bosley, dammit, and I don't need this bullshit. To hell with the whole darn lot of you!

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