No, You're Thinking Of David Doyle

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Vol 34 Issue 20

Gus Van Sant Prepares Shot-For-Shot Teen Wolf Remake

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Promising a "stunning re-creation of an American film classic," director Gus Van Sant announced Monday he will execute a shot-for-shot remake of the 1985 film Teen Wolf. In the new version, Jonathan Taylor Thomas will reprise the role made famous by Michael J. Fox, playing Scott Howard, a Nebraska high-schooler who leads his basketball team to victory after transforming into a werewolf. Jennifer Love Hewitt co-stars as "Boof." Van Sant said he is "leaving open the possibility" of re-filming the 1987 sequel Teen Wolf Too.

Cretinous Reprobate Home For The Holidays

MONTPELIER, VT—Mark Wilens, a 41-year-old cretinous reprobate who relocated to California six years ago, is back home in Vermont for the holidays, it was reported Monday. "The pudding is on the table, the fire is roaring, and Mark is here with his family," said Lila Wilens, mother of the unctuous, deceitful shit. "Hopefully, we'll get a chance to go caroling while he's home, on one of the days when he's not hanging out by the Catholic school with his binoculars." The filthy pig last spent Christmas with his loved ones in 1995.

Pregnant Woman Killed In Propecia-Handling Incident

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Investigators are citing "broken Propecia tablet-handling" as the cause of Monday's death of San Antonio resident Nancy Ivey. According to reports, Ronald Ivey returned home from work at 5:20 p.m. to find his pregnant wife's charred remains on the kitchen floor near an open bottle of his Propecia hair-regrowth medication. A subsequent autopsy revealed that a broken tablet had been "handled in a reckless and cavalier manner" by the woman. "This senseless tragedy could have easily been averted," a shaken San Antonio police chief Derrick Rudd said. "I beg you, please help spread the word: Women who are or may be pregnant must not use Propecia or handle broken tablets."

Desperate Wheel Of Fortune Receives Approval To Use Swear Words

BURBANK, CA—Desperate for new phrases, Sony Pictures' Wheel Of Fortune received special permission from the FCC Monday to use word puzzles containing objectionable language. "Twenty-three years of daily broadcasts have depleted us of every last familiar, non-offensive phrase," Wheel Of Fortune producer Robert Reynolds said. "I mean, last night we were doing puzzles like 'Pyrrhic Victory' and 'More To Be Pitied Than Censured,' and nobody could guess them." Beginning next week, the program will feature such phrases as "Balls To The Wall," "Dick-Slapped," "Titty Fuck," "On The Rag," "Greasy Wop" and "Fucked Eight Ways From Sunday." The popular show will also introduce such profanity-laced "Before & After" puzzles as "What A Crock Of Shit For Brains."

Checks For Gun Buyers

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day waiting period, is being challenged in court by the NRA as an invasion of privacy. What do you think?
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No, You're Thinking Of David Doyle

Look, I'm only going to say this one more time. I did not play Bosley on Charlie's Angels. The character's name was Bosley, but he was played by David Doyle. Got it? Doyle. D-O-Y-L-E.

As long as we're on the subject, I also didn't play Ted Atwater on The New Dick Van Dyke Show, Francis Macklin on Sweet Surrender or Bridget's father Walter on Bridget Loves Bernie. All of these were played by--yes, you guessed it--David Goddamn Doyle.

You'd think that after almost 40 years in this business, people would have the decency to stop mixing me up with every half-wit with a SAG card. I mean, it's not like I haven't had a successful career. Father Dowling Mysteries. Wait Till Your Father Gets Home. That Was The Week That Was. Oh, and a little show called Happy Days. Perhaps you've heard of it. You know, Fonzie, Ralph Malph and Howard Cunningham? It was only the most popular program of the '70s. How long was Charlie's Angels on the air, three years?

Tell me, how many of the big guns, the true show-business giants, has your precious David Doyle worked with? Wow, Farrah Fawcett-Majors and Meredith Baxter-Birney. Talk about your 5,000-megawatt star power.

Tell me, was it Doyle who downed martinis with Dino on his hit variety show? No. Was it Doyle who co-starred with the spunky Sandy Duncan and the always-glamorous Debbie Reynolds on their popular sitcoms? Methinks not. And I don't recall Doyle ever guesting on Murder, She Wrote, much less playing Sheriff Amos Tupper for four highly rated seasons. No, my friends, that was I, Tom Fucking-A Bosley.

Of course, I mean no disrespect to the late Mr. Doyle. He was a man of great talent. After all, no one could touch his Grandpa Pickles on Rugrats, especially not that charisma-free hack voicing him in the movie version.

But just between you and me, let's face it: Doyle couldn't have pulled off Belle's father in the Broadway smash-hit Beauty And The Beast, or Ben Franklin in John Jakes' acclaimed mini-series The Bastard. And just imagine a world in which Doyle was the Glad trash bags' spokesman for over a decade. That is not the kind of world in which I would ever want to live.

Oh, and speaking of commercials, I wasn't the Maytag repairman either, you dingbats. That was Jesse White, until he died. Now it's Gordon Jump, Mr. Carlson from WKRP In Cincinnati. Which reminds me. I didn't play Mr. Carlson on WKRP, either. Or Tom Bradford on Eight Is Enough, or Doc Bricker on The Love Boat. Not even Chief Carl Kanisky on Gimme A Break. Idiots.

I'm Tom Bosley, dammit, and I don't need this bullshit. To hell with the whole darn lot of you!

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