adBlockCheck

Nobody Understands The Don Mynack Generation

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nobody Understands The Don Mynack Generation

For the last few years, the media have been obsessed with the Don Mynack Generation, writing about us and analyzing us to death and trying to pigeonhole us with their dumb labels. Well, Time magazine and all the rest of you, I have one thing to say: We are not what you think we are. We are not time-wasting slackers. We are not flannel-clad coffee addicts. Nor are we cutthroat Harvard MBAs with a taste only for the almighty dollar.

It would be impossible for me to convey to you in the simple, media-friendly sound bites that you crave the qualities that define members of the Don Mynack Generation. That's because we are so many things.

The Don Mynack Generation is hardworking. We don't like our part-time jobs as stocker at the Target GreatLand and busboy at Lane's Supper Club, but most of us need to save money so we can move out of our parents' house and get our own apartment. We hope to get promoted soon and become regular waiters, but worry that it might not happen.

A recent survey of the Don Mynack Generation's spending habits revealed that almost 100 percent of us plan to buy a new CD player in the next week. This will help us to enjoy the new Phil Collins disc we just bought. However, almost none of us have the money to buy the really good CD player we want, so we have to settle for the one without the remote. This is likely due to our overall low level of income. The 1996 average take-home pay for members of the Don Mynack Generation, after taxes but before paying rent to our parents, was a paltry $10,647.

As far as what we think about other generations, most of us do not see eye-to-eye with members of the Harold and Judith Mynack Generation, as we view them as old and out-of-touch, wanting us only to get a good job, meet the right girl and settle down. They do not recognize our need to make our own way in the world.

Not that we would mind meeting some girls. Despite what you may have heard, we are not virgins and we are not gay. Though the typical member of the Don Mynack generation has only had sex twice, 98 percent of us wish to have sex much more often. Almost 95 percent of us would describe themselves as sexually experimental if given the opportunity, and a significant majority of us (86 percent) say there would have to be some sort of emotional commitment before anything could happen. All of this points to a very healthy perspective on our part.

So, despite what you may have read in the papers or heard on television, the Don Mynack Generation is intelligent, hardworking and dedicated. We're caring, sensitive people who love the San Diego Padres, stamp collecting, and our two pet goldfish, Goldie and Fishie. Our favorite T-shirt slogan? "I'm Going Nucking Futs." And, despite our disappointment and disillusionment with the last one, we are looking forward to seeing the new Batman movie.

I hope you now have a better idea of what the Don Mynack Generation is all about, and I thank you for your time.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close