Nobody Understands The Don Mynack Generation

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Vol 31 Issue 21

Model Railroading A Harsh Mistress

UTICA, NY—Tom Collins, a 49-year-old data technician and father of seven, announced Monday that model railroading is a harsh mistress. "Model railroading, like the Sea, can be a kind lady, but make no mistake, she can also be a cold and angry harpy," Collins said. "In times of yore, men tested their mettle against the Sea, but in these modern times, a man proves his virility one way only: building, maintaining and running a model-railroad set-up in his garage or den." Collins advised using Testor's-brand epoxy glue for miniature trees and letting them dry for at least 24 hours.

Area Teens Find Once-In-A-Lifetime Love

VALDOSTA, GA—Despite living in a harsh, unaccepting world in which their dads won't let them have the car past 11 p.m. on Fridays, area teens Brianna Fahey and Kurt Mulroney have found true, once-in-a-lifetime love in each other. "We have something that many never find, no matter how long they look: our soulmates," the teens, who have been officially 'going out' since May, said Thursday. "No other love could ever be as special as ours." When asked what was so special about their relationship, Fahey said, "I totally love Karl. He wants to have sex all the time, and I even want to let him. That kind of connection only happens when it's true love." The couple expects their first baby in approximately eight months.

Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On

NEW YORK—Despite massive market-saturation and advance promotion, the first three issues of Rat Fancy, a new monthly magazine devoted to rats and the people who love them, has failed to generate the level of consumer interest necessary to continue publishing, editor Frankie DelGabrio said Monday. "Despite being packed with rat photos, true-life stories about rats, and helpful rat-care tips, it somehow hasn't found its audience," DelGabrio said. "The June issue, which features a precious, full-color centerfold of a hungry rat family approaching a sleeping baby in its crib, will sadly be the magazine's last." Added DelGabrio, "I love sweet, cuddly rats with all my heart."

Rupert Murdoch Acquires Cable

LOS ANGELES—Media-industry giant Rupert Murdoch made perhaps his most significant move ever Monday, acquiring cable for his L.A.-area mansion for an estimated $35 a month. "This puts me in strong TV-watching position well into the next century," said Murdoch, who, according to a Wall Street Journal report, also paid a $50 hook-up fee as part of the deal. "With some 50 channels now in my possession, my vast media empire cannot be rivaled." Murdoch acquired the stations by using his vast holdings and market influence as leverage against his local cable provider, who, sources say, approved the deal within four to five seconds. Murdoch promised that the cable acquisition will pave the way for "a historic ass-couch merger."

U.S. Anachronism At 'All Time High,' Says Truman

INDEPENDENCE, MO—At a press conference Monday, former president Harry S Truman declared that U.S. anachronism levels are at "an all-time high." Responding to the recent rash of jitterbugging, British taxation without representation, and talk of the Teapot Dome scandal, the deceased leader called on all citizens to "join me and Bess in saving up scrap iron for the war so our boys over there can drive the Spanish back." Truman also urged citizens to use caution when using whale-blubber-burning oil lamps.

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Nobody Understands The Don Mynack Generation

For the last few years, the media have been obsessed with the Don Mynack Generation, writing about us and analyzing us to death and trying to pigeonhole us with their dumb labels. Well, Time magazine and all the rest of you, I have one thing to say: We are not what you think we are. We are not time-wasting slackers. We are not flannel-clad coffee addicts. Nor are we cutthroat Harvard MBAs with a taste only for the almighty dollar.

It would be impossible for me to convey to you in the simple, media-friendly sound bites that you crave the qualities that define members of the Don Mynack Generation. That's because we are so many things.

The Don Mynack Generation is hardworking. We don't like our part-time jobs as stocker at the Target GreatLand and busboy at Lane's Supper Club, but most of us need to save money so we can move out of our parents' house and get our own apartment. We hope to get promoted soon and become regular waiters, but worry that it might not happen.

A recent survey of the Don Mynack Generation's spending habits revealed that almost 100 percent of us plan to buy a new CD player in the next week. This will help us to enjoy the new Phil Collins disc we just bought. However, almost none of us have the money to buy the really good CD player we want, so we have to settle for the one without the remote. This is likely due to our overall low level of income. The 1996 average take-home pay for members of the Don Mynack Generation, after taxes but before paying rent to our parents, was a paltry $10,647.

As far as what we think about other generations, most of us do not see eye-to-eye with members of the Harold and Judith Mynack Generation, as we view them as old and out-of-touch, wanting us only to get a good job, meet the right girl and settle down. They do not recognize our need to make our own way in the world.

Not that we would mind meeting some girls. Despite what you may have heard, we are not virgins and we are not gay. Though the typical member of the Don Mynack generation has only had sex twice, 98 percent of us wish to have sex much more often. Almost 95 percent of us would describe themselves as sexually experimental if given the opportunity, and a significant majority of us (86 percent) say there would have to be some sort of emotional commitment before anything could happen. All of this points to a very healthy perspective on our part.

So, despite what you may have read in the papers or heard on television, the Don Mynack Generation is intelligent, hardworking and dedicated. We're caring, sensitive people who love the San Diego Padres, stamp collecting, and our two pet goldfish, Goldie and Fishie. Our favorite T-shirt slogan? "I'm Going Nucking Futs." And, despite our disappointment and disillusionment with the last one, we are looking forward to seeing the new Batman movie.

I hope you now have a better idea of what the Don Mynack Generation is all about, and I thank you for your time.

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