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Nobody Understands The Don Mynack Generation

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

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Nobody Understands The Don Mynack Generation

For the last few years, the media have been obsessed with the Don Mynack Generation, writing about us and analyzing us to death and trying to pigeonhole us with their dumb labels. Well, Time magazine and all the rest of you, I have one thing to say: We are not what you think we are. We are not time-wasting slackers. We are not flannel-clad coffee addicts. Nor are we cutthroat Harvard MBAs with a taste only for the almighty dollar.

It would be impossible for me to convey to you in the simple, media-friendly sound bites that you crave the qualities that define members of the Don Mynack Generation. That's because we are so many things.

The Don Mynack Generation is hardworking. We don't like our part-time jobs as stocker at the Target GreatLand and busboy at Lane's Supper Club, but most of us need to save money so we can move out of our parents' house and get our own apartment. We hope to get promoted soon and become regular waiters, but worry that it might not happen.

A recent survey of the Don Mynack Generation's spending habits revealed that almost 100 percent of us plan to buy a new CD player in the next week. This will help us to enjoy the new Phil Collins disc we just bought. However, almost none of us have the money to buy the really good CD player we want, so we have to settle for the one without the remote. This is likely due to our overall low level of income. The 1996 average take-home pay for members of the Don Mynack Generation, after taxes but before paying rent to our parents, was a paltry $10,647.

As far as what we think about other generations, most of us do not see eye-to-eye with members of the Harold and Judith Mynack Generation, as we view them as old and out-of-touch, wanting us only to get a good job, meet the right girl and settle down. They do not recognize our need to make our own way in the world.

Not that we would mind meeting some girls. Despite what you may have heard, we are not virgins and we are not gay. Though the typical member of the Don Mynack generation has only had sex twice, 98 percent of us wish to have sex much more often. Almost 95 percent of us would describe themselves as sexually experimental if given the opportunity, and a significant majority of us (86 percent) say there would have to be some sort of emotional commitment before anything could happen. All of this points to a very healthy perspective on our part.

So, despite what you may have read in the papers or heard on television, the Don Mynack Generation is intelligent, hardworking and dedicated. We're caring, sensitive people who love the San Diego Padres, stamp collecting, and our two pet goldfish, Goldie and Fishie. Our favorite T-shirt slogan? "I'm Going Nucking Futs." And, despite our disappointment and disillusionment with the last one, we are looking forward to seeing the new Batman movie.

I hope you now have a better idea of what the Don Mynack Generation is all about, and I thank you for your time.

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