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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Nobody Understands The Don Mynack Generation

For the last few years, the media have been obsessed with the Don Mynack Generation, writing about us and analyzing us to death and trying to pigeonhole us with their dumb labels. Well, Time magazine and all the rest of you, I have one thing to say: We are not what you think we are. We are not time-wasting slackers. We are not flannel-clad coffee addicts. Nor are we cutthroat Harvard MBAs with a taste only for the almighty dollar.

It would be impossible for me to convey to you in the simple, media-friendly sound bites that you crave the qualities that define members of the Don Mynack Generation. That's because we are so many things.

The Don Mynack Generation is hardworking. We don't like our part-time jobs as stocker at the Target GreatLand and busboy at Lane's Supper Club, but most of us need to save money so we can move out of our parents' house and get our own apartment. We hope to get promoted soon and become regular waiters, but worry that it might not happen.

A recent survey of the Don Mynack Generation's spending habits revealed that almost 100 percent of us plan to buy a new CD player in the next week. This will help us to enjoy the new Phil Collins disc we just bought. However, almost none of us have the money to buy the really good CD player we want, so we have to settle for the one without the remote. This is likely due to our overall low level of income. The 1996 average take-home pay for members of the Don Mynack Generation, after taxes but before paying rent to our parents, was a paltry $10,647.

As far as what we think about other generations, most of us do not see eye-to-eye with members of the Harold and Judith Mynack Generation, as we view them as old and out-of-touch, wanting us only to get a good job, meet the right girl and settle down. They do not recognize our need to make our own way in the world.

Not that we would mind meeting some girls. Despite what you may have heard, we are not virgins and we are not gay. Though the typical member of the Don Mynack generation has only had sex twice, 98 percent of us wish to have sex much more often. Almost 95 percent of us would describe themselves as sexually experimental if given the opportunity, and a significant majority of us (86 percent) say there would have to be some sort of emotional commitment before anything could happen. All of this points to a very healthy perspective on our part.

So, despite what you may have read in the papers or heard on television, the Don Mynack Generation is intelligent, hardworking and dedicated. We're caring, sensitive people who love the San Diego Padres, stamp collecting, and our two pet goldfish, Goldie and Fishie. Our favorite T-shirt slogan? "I'm Going Nucking Futs." And, despite our disappointment and disillusionment with the last one, we are looking forward to seeing the new Batman movie.

I hope you now have a better idea of what the Don Mynack Generation is all about, and I thank you for your time.

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