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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Normally I Enjoy Your Pornographic Web Site, But This Time You've Gone Too Far

To the people at Sexxxotika.com, let me begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoy your pornographic web site. I have been a paying member since September, and since then have reveled in the graphic images of female nudity and hardcore sex. But I'm afraid this week your site went too far.

I know that Sexxxotika.com likes to push the envelope of sexual imagery, and I fully understand that you must cater to the peccadilloes of a wide range of subscribers. For example, though I harbor no foot fetish myself, I endure without complaint the occasional photo slide show of a man licking a woman's stillettoed heel. This is because I know your next posting likely will feature enough streaming video of tangy young nubiles experimenting with double-ended dildos to make my automatic credit-card deduction worthwhile.

You have no idea how much I look forward to your Thursday-afternoon site update. It is the high point of my week. So, it is as a longtime Sexxxotika fan that I feel obligated to share my outrage over this week's offering.

When I logged on and saw the headline "Bathroom!" I felt great excitement. The last time you used a powder-room theme was February's "Showering with Juli and Mindy," perhaps the most glorious pictorial in Sexxxotika.com history. But upon clicking on the "Bathroom!" link, I was not presented with more photographs of randy lesbian girlfriends soaping each other up or masturbating with the showerhead.

Instead, I was barraged with images of hot young barely legal teens squatting in the bathtub—not to reach for the bath gel, but to urinate, sometimes even on each other. Shame on you, Sexxxotika.

I come to your web site to be erotically entertained, not disgusted. Sure, there may be some perverts out there who enjoy the sort of thing featured in your "Bathroom!" gallery of last Thursday, but I'm sure I speak for the majority of Sexxxotika regulars when I say this montage goes way, way over the line. How could you?

To be honest, I've noticed a slip in Sexxxotika's quality control over the past few months. Take, for instance, your recent Quicktime movie "Luvving Sisters," which showed two luscious, nearly identical 18-year-old blondes in the act of mutual cunnilingus. Now, I am a huge supporter of graphic depictions of sapphic sex play, but your suggestion that these two women were related by blood made me more than a little uneasy. Perhaps it is my strong devotion to family values, but the offending caption nearly caused me to lose my erection. Granted, not every Quicktime movie can be Citizen Came.

Yet about "Bathroom!" I cannot remain silent. After browsing through picture after picture of women peeing on the ground, on men, or on each other, I can honestly say that I did not enjoy it. Not in the slightest. You need to get back to the sort of straightforward sex we have come to expect from Sexxxotika.com: hot girl-on-girl action, blow jobs, anal sex, and facials.

I believe you owe your subscribers an apology. If you fail to use some editorial judgment in the future, I am afraid I will be forced to cancel my Sexxxotika membership and take my adult-entertainment dollar elsewhere. After all, there is no shortage of web sites featuring hot young cum-drunk gutter sluts who love 14" horse cocks rammed into their tight little assholes.

I anxiously await your reply.

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