adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Now That My Campaign Is Over, I'd Like To Talk To You All About The Church Of Latter-Day Saints

My fellow Americans, can I have a moment of your time?

It would appear that, following yesterday’s leaking of a video that shows me effectively writing off half the nation’s voters, we can pretty safely say my presidential campaign has come to an end. Oh, technically it may still exist, sure, but let’s be honest with each other: It’s all over. And I have fully accepted that reality.

So, with that in mind, I would like to use my few remaining weeks in the public spotlight to tell the nation all about a truly great religious organization called the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

You see, folks, I speak to you now not as the Republican Party’s failed nominee for the presidency, but as an ordinary American whose life has been changed by the vision of a very special man named Joseph Smith. And I would like to take this opportunity to share with you some information about an exciting and life-changing faith that has long held a special place in my heart and in the hearts of everyone in the Romney family.

Now, I know during this campaign I’ve said many times that the key to our future happiness is reducing the size of government, cutting taxes, and balancing the budget. But I am here to say to you now that the only real way to ensure future happiness in this life is to become baptized in a Mormon church and accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Health care, unemployment, government spending—they all pale in comparison to the word of God as written by the ancient and modern prophets.

Christ lives, my countrymen. He lives, and we are his children. Please allow me to tell you more.

Campaigning across this great nation of ours, I learned that Americans everywhere are hurt, lost, and searching for answers. In their weakness, they turn to leaders like myself in hopes of being guided through the spiritual wilderness. Well, now that my presidential campaign is essentially dead in the water, I would like to offer the following advice to all those people I met who sought my guidance: Forget about everything I said, become a Latter-day Saint, and take the time to learn more about the America’s fastest-growing religion by visiting us at our official website, Mormon.org.

Or, better yet, stop by one of our thousands of church meetinghouses worldwide, or come see one of our many fun and informative church-sponsored pageants.

My fellow Americans, Republicans and Democrats alike, have you given any serious thought to the existence of eternal life? To joining our Heavenly Father once again in a world beyond our own? If you haven’t, why not? More than anything, more even than my own protracted and evidently unsuccessful attempt to take the White House, your salvation is paramount. For it is what He wants. And it is what our great prophet Joseph Smith wants as well.

As my opponent, Barack Obama, and the ongoing 24-hour news networks continue to hammer away at my now utterly destroyed bid for higher office, I think it’s important for us as a nation to put all of that aside and focus on the Mormon church’s strong commitment to humanitarian aid and community service. Why, did you know that since 2001 the Church of Latter-day Saints has made donations of more than 300,000 wheelchairs in 101 countries? It’s a fact. This is not a burden for us, you see, but a blessing, for “when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God” (Mosiah 2:17).

People are desperate, people need help, and now that I know definitively I will never be in a position to lead the American people as their president, I ask you to help by filling out an online submission form and having a Mormon missionary come to meet you and your family at your home to spread His word. It’s so easy, and it’s the first step toward changing your life and returning to live with God.

Will you give it a chance? I promise you will not regret it if you do. Christ loves you.

Thank you and may God bless you all.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close