adBlockCheck

Now That My Campaign Is Over, I'd Like To Talk To You All About The Church Of Latter-Day Saints

Top Headlines

Recent News

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Now That My Campaign Is Over, I'd Like To Talk To You All About The Church Of Latter-Day Saints

My fellow Americans, can I have a moment of your time?

It would appear that, following yesterday’s leaking of a video that shows me effectively writing off half the nation’s voters, we can pretty safely say my presidential campaign has come to an end. Oh, technically it may still exist, sure, but let’s be honest with each other: It’s all over. And I have fully accepted that reality.

So, with that in mind, I would like to use my few remaining weeks in the public spotlight to tell the nation all about a truly great religious organization called the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

You see, folks, I speak to you now not as the Republican Party’s failed nominee for the presidency, but as an ordinary American whose life has been changed by the vision of a very special man named Joseph Smith. And I would like to take this opportunity to share with you some information about an exciting and life-changing faith that has long held a special place in my heart and in the hearts of everyone in the Romney family.

Now, I know during this campaign I’ve said many times that the key to our future happiness is reducing the size of government, cutting taxes, and balancing the budget. But I am here to say to you now that the only real way to ensure future happiness in this life is to become baptized in a Mormon church and accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Health care, unemployment, government spending—they all pale in comparison to the word of God as written by the ancient and modern prophets.

Christ lives, my countrymen. He lives, and we are his children. Please allow me to tell you more.

Campaigning across this great nation of ours, I learned that Americans everywhere are hurt, lost, and searching for answers. In their weakness, they turn to leaders like myself in hopes of being guided through the spiritual wilderness. Well, now that my presidential campaign is essentially dead in the water, I would like to offer the following advice to all those people I met who sought my guidance: Forget about everything I said, become a Latter-day Saint, and take the time to learn more about the America’s fastest-growing religion by visiting us at our official website, Mormon.org.

Or, better yet, stop by one of our thousands of church meetinghouses worldwide, or come see one of our many fun and informative church-sponsored pageants.

My fellow Americans, Republicans and Democrats alike, have you given any serious thought to the existence of eternal life? To joining our Heavenly Father once again in a world beyond our own? If you haven’t, why not? More than anything, more even than my own protracted and evidently unsuccessful attempt to take the White House, your salvation is paramount. For it is what He wants. And it is what our great prophet Joseph Smith wants as well.

As my opponent, Barack Obama, and the ongoing 24-hour news networks continue to hammer away at my now utterly destroyed bid for higher office, I think it’s important for us as a nation to put all of that aside and focus on the Mormon church’s strong commitment to humanitarian aid and community service. Why, did you know that since 2001 the Church of Latter-day Saints has made donations of more than 300,000 wheelchairs in 101 countries? It’s a fact. This is not a burden for us, you see, but a blessing, for “when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God” (Mosiah 2:17).

People are desperate, people need help, and now that I know definitively I will never be in a position to lead the American people as their president, I ask you to help by filling out an online submission form and having a Mormon missionary come to meet you and your family at your home to spread His word. It’s so easy, and it’s the first step toward changing your life and returning to live with God.

Will you give it a chance? I promise you will not regret it if you do. Christ loves you.

Thank you and may God bless you all.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close