Observing The Electrical Motion-Image Box

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Vol 35 Issue 05

Christopher Cross Finally Reaches Mexican Border

NOGALES, MEXICO—After nearly 20 years on the run, Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Christopher Cross finally reached the Mexican border Monday. "I had such a long way to go,"said Cross, who fled south after gunning down 10 in 1980, "but I've finally made it to the border of Mexico." Doctors, who described Cross' body as "weak," said much sleep would be necessary to restore the health of the fugitive adult-contemporary vocalist.

Area Man Has No Idea What He Went Downstairs For

METUCHEN, NJ—Thirty seconds after descending the stairs, Ken Bley, 41, announced he had no clue what he went downstairs for. "I don't think it was to get something," Bley said. "I think it might have been to check on something." Bley said that if he cannot recall his purpose in the next minute, he will return to the bedroom and try to reconstruct the train of thought that led to the mysterious task. "I'm thinking it had something to do with the kitchen," Bley said. "I have this picture of the pantry junk-drawer in my mind."

2-D Doritos Sales Lagging

DALLAS—In the wake of the launch of "Doritos 3-Ds," Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos. "The public has gone wild for our revolutionary three-dimensional chips, which, in addition to the usual length and width, also possess depth," Frito-Lay spokesman Isaac Toomer said. "So wild, in fact, they have lost interest in traditional monoplanar snack chips." Toomer said Frito-Lay is now developing a highly theoretical "Funyuns 4-D." "One day, people everywhere will enjoy crispy, extratemporal Funyuns that intersect with an infinite number of parallel universes," Toomer said. "It will be a whole new world of non-Euclidean snacking."

Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief

FRESNO, CA—Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G Marketing's breakroom rice-cake thief Monday. "Whoever's doing this really needs to learn about something called a supermarket," said Fahey, who has lost one strawberry and three caramel-apple rice cakes to the thief this month. "Rice cakes aren't free, you know." Fahey said she plans to take harsher security measures, including a Post-It note on the bag reading, "These are my rice cakes... Please get your own!!!"
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Observing The Electrical Motion-Image Box

Late Monday evening, my vision greatly improved thanks to Doc McGillicuddy's lancing of my cataracts, I decided I wanted some visual amusement. I fleetingly considered taking in a puppet-show in the estate's amusement annex, but I quickly recalled my contempt for the churlish impertinence of the little cloth bastards and dismissed the notion.

This led me to think of the electrical motion-image box, which was hidden behind a panel in one of my bed-chamber's walls. I had only seen it once and did not know how to work it, so I summoned my man-servant Standish.

"Standish, that motion-image box in the wall--does it display amusement demonstrations other than the despised puppet shows?" I queried.

Standish replied in the affirmative, explaining that varied frequencies intercepted by the motion-image device can offer various entertainment selections, similar to the wireless-radio. He began to tell me about whirling electrons and orthicon-tubes and other nonsense, but I cut him short with an abrupt wave.

Standish ignited the motion-image box with the wondrous electrical-current, and in no time, the bed-chamber was illuminated with an eerie, bluish glow that reminded me of the aurora borealis. At first, I had difficulty interpreting the pictures that flashed in rapid succession upon the box's seeing-lens. Then, I determined that several of the pictures comprised a moving and talking advertisement for medicated powder. When the brand was announced, I recalled how this particular product had once precipitated a terrible break-out of hives on my bottom. Out-raged, I ordered Standish to focus the box upon another frequency.

The next image was of two gentle-men trading jests and japes upon a stage. One was dressed properly in a man's walking-suit, and the other was bald-headed and garbed only in his under-drawers. Their esoteric tom-foolery was earning the enthusiastic laughter and applause of an invisible audience, but I remained stone-faced and befuddled at their approach toward humor. For example, at no point was there a black-face routine.

Though I failed to be entertained by the electrical motion-image box, I found that, once accustomed to the rapid succession of pictures, I was lulled into a pleasant state of catatonia. It was then I realized it is not necessary to fully comprehend the content of the image-device to enjoy its stuporous effect. Huzzah for the electrical motion-image box!

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