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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Odds 'N' Ends

Your old pal Jean has never claimed to be an expert on journalism, but there's one thing I do know: When you write a newspaper column, you have to pour your heart out. You loyal Jeanketeers out there know all about my battle with my weight, my troubles with hubby Rick, and my series of lousy, low-paying jobs. I admit that some of that stuff is a little embarrassing. It's not the kind of thing you usually tell total strangers. But being so open and honest in my column helps me get things off my chest, and I always feel a whole lot better for it. (For a little while, at least!)

Well, lately, my face has been even redder than usual. You see, I've been reading my local paper, The Herald-Clarion, a lot because Roz, my manager at Fashion Bug, buys a copy for the breakroom every morning. Besides "Dear Abby," the obituaries, and good ol' Cathy (natch!), I've been checking out the weekly column by Herald-Clarion features editor and star columnist Nancy Feeney. Now, I'm not saying I'm a washout in the writing biz, but after studying Nancy's column, "Nancy's Fancies" (how cute!), I realize I've still got a lot to learn about writing a professional column.

Like me, Nancy writes about her personal life in her column. But, like a true professional, she never gets too personal. (Unlike some columnists I could name, she never would have told her readers that she got arrested for shoplifting circus peanuts at the Pamida. Or that her kitty Arthur choked to death on a Pinchers The Lobster Teenie Beanie Baby.) No, before Nancy gets too deep into any gory details, she always changes the subject to something going on in the community. Or she talks about some local person's triumphant battle with a disease. Or she mentions that a local WWI veteran recently celebrated his 105th birthday. (The names of the people she writes about are always in bold-face, so it's really easy to read! Isn't that clever?) Then she ends her column with an inspirational quote or a funny but tasteful joke she'd overheard. Get it? Very professional.

Remember those old TV commercials where the woman slaps her forehead and says, "Wow! I coulda had a V-8!"? Well, after reading a few of Nancy's columns, I said to myself, "Wow! I coulda written about stuff besides my life!" So, from now on, instead of rambling on about my own daily doings, I think I'll devote my column to little miscellaneous observations about the world around me. I'm calling it "Odds 'N' Ends."

So here it is, Jeanketeers. My first "Odds 'N' Ends" column...

I read recently that Fred Lasswell, the cartoonist behind Snuffy Smith, died. Now, get this–he had drawn Snuffy since 1942. Wow, that's nearly 60 years! I only hope that Cathy Guisewite can last that long! Actually, she probably can–Cathy doesn't look all that hard to draw.

Speaking of death, Dale Earnhardt's fatal accident at the Daytona 500 was a huge shock to racing fans. The shock could be felt in the Teasdale household, too, since Dale was hubby Rick's favorite NASCAR driver. After Dale died, Rick swore he'd never watch another Winston Cup race again. "There will never be another Intimidator," he said. That seemed kind of extreme to me–I mean, there are always a whole bunch of racers on the track, and surely they must have talent, too. So I brought up that one cute hunk who wins a lot, Jeff Gordon. "What about him? Couldn't he be your new favorite driver?" I asked Rick. You'd think I'd asked him to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge! He went on this tirade about how totally clueless I was, saying I had absolutely no understanding of NASCAR or anything else that didn't involve kitties or a bunch of TV-talk-show ladies "on the rag" drinking tea and crying their eyes out about preemies on respirators.

Yikes! What brought that on? (Cue the Twilight Zone theme!) Don't get me wrong: I'm sorry Dale Earnhardt died. But, after all, he did race cars at speeds approaching 200 mph. There are loads of far safer sports he could have chosen. Like soccer, for example.

Nancy Feeney talks about ordinary yet inspiring local citizens, which I think is great. It just goes to show that you don't have to be famous to be a superstar! Unfortunately, I don't know a lot of people in the community. I tend to not leave the house much, except to work and shop, so I'm not really as well-connected as Nancy. But she did say something in her column the other day that practically bowled me over, because it reminded me of a very similar event in my own life. Observing the generation gap between Baby Boomers and their parents, Nancy mentioned that her mother had criticized her for wearing too informal an outfit to a church gathering.

Talk about uncanny! Several years ago, my own mother and I attended my cousin Heidi's wedding, and Mom didn't like the fact that I was wearing an electric-blue rayon pantsuit. Throughout the ceremony and reception, she kept sniping to me about how "immodest" and "informal" it was. Then, during the car ride home, we got into a screaming match that rivaled something you'd see on the WWF show! She called me slovenly, and I accused her of being a loveless, abusive, hypocritical witch. That got her so mad that she kicked me out of her car near the outskirts of town, forcing me to trudge one mile across this marshy field in patent-leather pumps to the nearest bus stop, bawling all the way.

Oops. I suppose I'm getting carried away again, talking about personal stuff. Well, I promise that in my next "Odds 'N' Ends" column, I'll shape up and be more professional. But I'll need your help. If you know of any disease-sufferers in my area who are probably going to live, or any 105-year-old WWI veterans, or anyone else of that ilk, please write me care of this newspaper.

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