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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Of Presidents And Precocity

All this recent cock-roach-being and cherry-orchard-selling has diverted my attentions from both the up-coming presidential election and the progress of my beautiful son, N. Aeschylus. I must admit, how-ever, that I am far more concerned about the latter. As I have said here before, I am disgusted by the sad state of politics.

Of course, I was raised at a time when politicians were fear-less men of character and vision. During our periodic visits to Washington, my father would take me to the public beheadings of the president's political opponents on the lawn of the Executive-Mansion. One could barely negotiate the steps of the Capitol, so slick with blood were they! Voting was virtually an erotic pleasure: As you slipped your dozen or so ballots into the ballot-box, you felt confident knowing that you had chosen the greater of two evils.

Not so today. Recently, I had a look-see at the two candidates on the electrical motion image box, and I wanted to smother myself with my own pillow! The Republican looks like he still requires the services of a wet-nurse, and the Democrat resembles a large pudding.

Given these dismal prospects, I find I have no choice but to throw my support behind the Copper-heads this year. I realize they have fallen greatly out of favor since the end of the Civil-War, and haven't a ghost of a chance for victory this autumn, but I want to send a message.

At least I have my precious N. Aeschylus to cheer me in this bleak time. The servants never told him that his papa turned into a cock-roach, for fear that it would shatter his innocent world-view. But upon becoming roughly human again, I asked Standish to wheel me down to the nursery.

I was delighted to find that the precocious dear was doing well in his studies. Gas burners were boiling chemical concoctions, electric current flowed from filaments, and N. Aeschylus was hard at work welding sheets of metal with white-hot beams that shot from his eyes. The walls of the nursery were gaily decorated with hand-painted adages such as "The Circuits Will Be Broken" and "Destroy All Biology." Not even a year old and already the tot has the work-ethic of an Edison!

"Sweet boy!" I cried out. But this startled N. Aeschylus, as he nearly blasted Standish's head clean off. Though I yearned to be in N. Aeschylus' youthful company, I decided to leave him to his work. The future seemed far brighter to me now, knowing that N. Aeschylus will surely be in its vanguard!

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