Of Presidents And Precocity

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Vol 36 Issue 32

Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

OMAHA, NE–Creighton University sophomore Adam Wilmut is under the mistaken impression that he managed to masturbate Tuesday without waking roommate and top-bunk occupant Scott Engram. "For about 10 minutes, I could feel the loft frame vibrating slightly," the 19-year-old Engram said. "Then, the vibrating escalated just a tiny bit for about 30 seconds before stopping altogether." The incident marked the fifth time in as many days that Wilmut's stealth masturbation was detected.

Arby's Regional Manager's Work Done Here

ROLLING MEADOWS, IL–Carl Biggs, regional manager of 11 Arby's restaurants in Chicago's Northwest suburbs, has done all he can here, the 41-year-old announced Monday before vanishing from the chain's Rand Road outlet in a cloud of Ford Escort exhaust. "Who was that mysterious man?" asked awestruck cashier Doug Sowell, 19, shortly after the visit. "I don't know," crew chief Karen Wilhoyte responded, "but he left this memorandum detailing proper kitchen hygiene procedures."

Senior Citizens Discuss Merits Of County-Clerk Candidates

MARSHFIELD, MO–During their weekly canasta game Monday, area octogenarians Beatrice Evans and Ida Hollings discussed the relative merits of the candidates for Webster County Clerk. "I like the fact that Wayne Speno wants to lower passport fees," Evans said. "On the other hand, he wants to keep the vital-statistics office open only until 4 p.m. weekdays, which isn't late enough." Hollings said she plans to vote for Speno opponent Mary Lodge. "[Lodge] did a fine job as assistant county clerk these past six years," Hollings said, "and I really feel like she's ready."

Nation Abuzz Over C-SPAN Original Movie

WASHINGTON, DC–Across America, excitement is building for this Friday's premiere of C-SPAN's first-ever original movie, Quorum Call: The H.R.1277 Story. Billed as "the incredible, true tale of the passage of the Department of Energy Civilian Research and Development Act of 1997," the film stars Rep. Ken Calvert (R-CA) as an idealistic young congressman determined to secure allocations of $22.5 million for Fiscal Year 1998 and $23.9 for Fiscal Year 1999 for geothermal electric research and development.

Bush Surges Ahead In Polls After Strong Showing On Pommel Horse

WASHINGTON, DC–George W. Bush pulled ahead of Al Gore in presidential polls Monday following a near-perfect score of 9.95 on the pommel horse. "Bush was in total command, showing textbook technique on his scissor elements and nailing his dismount," ABC News/Washington Post poll spokesman Andrew Hollandsworth said. "He looked confident and strong up there, and the American people are responding." The impressive effort helped Bush regain ground lost in Gore's decisive Sept. 10 victory in the ribbon-dance event.

The Debate Debate

For months, Al Gore and George Bush have been unable to agree on a presidential-debate format, with each candidate accusing the other of ducking a face-off. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Of Presidents And Precocity

All this recent cock-roach-being and cherry-orchard-selling has diverted my attentions from both the up-coming presidential election and the progress of my beautiful son, N. Aeschylus. I must admit, how-ever, that I am far more concerned about the latter. As I have said here before, I am disgusted by the sad state of politics.

Of course, I was raised at a time when politicians were fear-less men of character and vision. During our periodic visits to Washington, my father would take me to the public beheadings of the president's political opponents on the lawn of the Executive-Mansion. One could barely negotiate the steps of the Capitol, so slick with blood were they! Voting was virtually an erotic pleasure: As you slipped your dozen or so ballots into the ballot-box, you felt confident knowing that you had chosen the greater of two evils.

Not so today. Recently, I had a look-see at the two candidates on the electrical motion image box, and I wanted to smother myself with my own pillow! The Republican looks like he still requires the services of a wet-nurse, and the Democrat resembles a large pudding.

Given these dismal prospects, I find I have no choice but to throw my support behind the Copper-heads this year. I realize they have fallen greatly out of favor since the end of the Civil-War, and haven't a ghost of a chance for victory this autumn, but I want to send a message.

At least I have my precious N. Aeschylus to cheer me in this bleak time. The servants never told him that his papa turned into a cock-roach, for fear that it would shatter his innocent world-view. But upon becoming roughly human again, I asked Standish to wheel me down to the nursery.

I was delighted to find that the precocious dear was doing well in his studies. Gas burners were boiling chemical concoctions, electric current flowed from filaments, and N. Aeschylus was hard at work welding sheets of metal with white-hot beams that shot from his eyes. The walls of the nursery were gaily decorated with hand-painted adages such as "The Circuits Will Be Broken" and "Destroy All Biology." Not even a year old and already the tot has the work-ethic of an Edison!

"Sweet boy!" I cried out. But this startled N. Aeschylus, as he nearly blasted Standish's head clean off. Though I yearned to be in N. Aeschylus' youthful company, I decided to leave him to his work. The future seemed far brighter to me now, knowing that N. Aeschylus will surely be in its vanguard!

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