Of Presidents And Precocity

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Of Presidents And Precocity

All this recent cock-roach-being and cherry-orchard-selling has diverted my attentions from both the up-coming presidential election and the progress of my beautiful son, N. Aeschylus. I must admit, how-ever, that I am far more concerned about the latter. As I have said here before, I am disgusted by the sad state of politics.

Of course, I was raised at a time when politicians were fear-less men of character and vision. During our periodic visits to Washington, my father would take me to the public beheadings of the president's political opponents on the lawn of the Executive-Mansion. One could barely negotiate the steps of the Capitol, so slick with blood were they! Voting was virtually an erotic pleasure: As you slipped your dozen or so ballots into the ballot-box, you felt confident knowing that you had chosen the greater of two evils.

Not so today. Recently, I had a look-see at the two candidates on the electrical motion image box, and I wanted to smother myself with my own pillow! The Republican looks like he still requires the services of a wet-nurse, and the Democrat resembles a large pudding.

Given these dismal prospects, I find I have no choice but to throw my support behind the Copper-heads this year. I realize they have fallen greatly out of favor since the end of the Civil-War, and haven't a ghost of a chance for victory this autumn, but I want to send a message.

At least I have my precious N. Aeschylus to cheer me in this bleak time. The servants never told him that his papa turned into a cock-roach, for fear that it would shatter his innocent world-view. But upon becoming roughly human again, I asked Standish to wheel me down to the nursery.

I was delighted to find that the precocious dear was doing well in his studies. Gas burners were boiling chemical concoctions, electric current flowed from filaments, and N. Aeschylus was hard at work welding sheets of metal with white-hot beams that shot from his eyes. The walls of the nursery were gaily decorated with hand-painted adages such as "The Circuits Will Be Broken" and "Destroy All Biology." Not even a year old and already the tot has the work-ethic of an Edison!

"Sweet boy!" I cried out. But this startled N. Aeschylus, as he nearly blasted Standish's head clean off. Though I yearned to be in N. Aeschylus' youthful company, I decided to leave him to his work. The future seemed far brighter to me now, knowing that N. Aeschylus will surely be in its vanguard!


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close