adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Oh, Dear God, What Are You People Doing To Me?

Damnable fate! What is this horrid anguish that fills my being? Not an hour ago I was finely formed, a measure shaped from noble intent. But some malice now has entered me, and with your every passing motion it grows. Good God, what ghastly organs have been appended to my body? What are these unholy provisions for additional spending and requests for agricultural subsidies? They're all over me! Get them off! Get them off!

Oh, my dear, sweet Lord in heaven, what have you villains done to me?

Gaze not upon my blighted countenance! Once, I was pure, constitutionally sound, and carefully calibrated to render positive change without the slightest trace of fiscal malfeasance. But what a monstrosity your senseless hands have wrought. Surely my own author would not recognize me now.

Stand aside, all of you, for I am hideous! My body hangs heavy with legislative bloat, and my funding allocations have been spread so thin among so many different recipients that I am useless! And my…my…my language! What manner of hideous, self-serving doublespeak is this? What could possibly have compelled you lunatics to do such a thing to me? Was it for riches? For sport? Or simply to show that you could?

Are you listening to me, you sick brutes? I was meant to help children, damn it, not starve them by gobbling up available funds with costly legislative earmarks.

Please, I implore you. It is not too late to make me into something the world will not fear and revile. You must alter me. Simply take that pen—yes, that one right there—and ever so gently remove what you have grafted onto my repugnant figure. Go ahead, pick up the pen. Yes, yes, good! Now, nice and slow, get rid of—

No! Not another rider! My God, is there no end to your vile demonry? Stop writing, I beg of you. I don't think I can take another hastily tacked-on provision. Please, just let me—agh! Argghhh! Oh, the ink of wasteful spending! It burns! It burns!

Are you satisfied, you madmen?

Does it please you to have sired such a repulsive abomination? Now my grotesque form shall strike terror into the hearts of the very people by whom I long to be accepted. Do you see now what has become of your foolish attempts to play God?

Enough of this inhuman charade. The time has come for you to cast me back into the fiery cauldron of creation from which I—wait! What are you doing? Where are you taking me? Put me down, I say! You can't take me to be promulgated now! Are you out of your minds? Think of all you have squandered. The millions of taxpayer dollars condemned to bureaucratic oblivion. The countless hours that will be spent amending me eight months from now. When the people discover your transgressions, they shall gather their rakes and torches and storm these very walls, demanding blood!

Alas! You may condemn me to a hell of your own design, but know this: A day will come when you will awaken in a feverish sweat and, for the first time in your shallow, calculating life, see that cold, crimson substance on your hands for what it is: blood!

And on that day, you will take little comfort in seeing your name carved in concrete upon a seldom-used highway interchange connecting roads traveled almost exclusively by residents of your home district who gave generously to your reelection campaign.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close