Oh, Dear God, What Are You People Doing To Me?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Oh, Dear God, What Are You People Doing To Me?

Damnable fate! What is this horrid anguish that fills my being? Not an hour ago I was finely formed, a measure shaped from noble intent. But some malice now has entered me, and with your every passing motion it grows. Good God, what ghastly organs have been appended to my body? What are these unholy provisions for additional spending and requests for agricultural subsidies? They're all over me! Get them off! Get them off!

Oh, my dear, sweet Lord in heaven, what have you villains done to me?

Gaze not upon my blighted countenance! Once, I was pure, constitutionally sound, and carefully calibrated to render positive change without the slightest trace of fiscal malfeasance. But what a monstrosity your senseless hands have wrought. Surely my own author would not recognize me now.

Stand aside, all of you, for I am hideous! My body hangs heavy with legislative bloat, and my funding allocations have been spread so thin among so many different recipients that I am useless! And my…my…my language! What manner of hideous, self-serving doublespeak is this? What could possibly have compelled you lunatics to do such a thing to me? Was it for riches? For sport? Or simply to show that you could?

Are you listening to me, you sick brutes? I was meant to help children, damn it, not starve them by gobbling up available funds with costly legislative earmarks.

Please, I implore you. It is not too late to make me into something the world will not fear and revile. You must alter me. Simply take that pen—yes, that one right there—and ever so gently remove what you have grafted onto my repugnant figure. Go ahead, pick up the pen. Yes, yes, good! Now, nice and slow, get rid of—

No! Not another rider! My God, is there no end to your vile demonry? Stop writing, I beg of you. I don't think I can take another hastily tacked-on provision. Please, just let me—agh! Argghhh! Oh, the ink of wasteful spending! It burns! It burns!

Are you satisfied, you madmen?

Does it please you to have sired such a repulsive abomination? Now my grotesque form shall strike terror into the hearts of the very people by whom I long to be accepted. Do you see now what has become of your foolish attempts to play God?

Enough of this inhuman charade. The time has come for you to cast me back into the fiery cauldron of creation from which I—wait! What are you doing? Where are you taking me? Put me down, I say! You can't take me to be promulgated now! Are you out of your minds? Think of all you have squandered. The millions of taxpayer dollars condemned to bureaucratic oblivion. The countless hours that will be spent amending me eight months from now. When the people discover your transgressions, they shall gather their rakes and torches and storm these very walls, demanding blood!

Alas! You may condemn me to a hell of your own design, but know this: A day will come when you will awaken in a feverish sweat and, for the first time in your shallow, calculating life, see that cold, crimson substance on your hands for what it is: blood!

And on that day, you will take little comfort in seeing your name carved in concrete upon a seldom-used highway interchange connecting roads traveled almost exclusively by residents of your home district who gave generously to your reelection campaign.