Oh, I So Nervous!

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Vol 31 Issue 14

Love For Jesus Inspires Honk

SALT LAKE CITY—Spurred on by an automotive decal, or "bumper sticker," an area woman's love for Jesus Christ was manifested in honk form Monday. "I do love Jesus," explained Millicent Walters. "Therefore, at the behest of the sticker, I honked." Witnesses described the sticker as one which urged Jesus-loving motorists to sound their automobile horns. The specific purpose of the honking was not clear.

Shirtless Lifeguard Investigates Paranormal Phenomena

MALIBU, CA—In a remarkable display of dedication to human safety, area lifeguard Mitch Buchannon has sacrificed all possible leisure time to jointly pursue beach safety by day and paranormal investigation by night. "The world faces countless dangers, from strong tides to para-dimensional soul catchers," Buchannon said. "It is up to all of us to make a difference in whatever way we can. My way is to work as both a lifeguard and a paranormal investigator." Buchannon says that he draws inspiration from his mother, a longtime legal secretary who recently began investigating UFO-conspiracy government cover-ups in the evenings.

'Everything's $10,000' Chain Goes Out Of Business

WHEELING, WV—Citing "phenomenally poor sales," the retail chain Everything's $10,000 filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday. "When we started, we were all really excited about the concept," the chain's CEO, Carl Rasmussen, said. "You could walk in the store, plunk down 10 grand and walk out with anything you saw on the shelves. We carried everything from pillowcases to staplers to toy rifles for the kids. Unfortunately, the public just never seemed to respond." When pressed for the reasons for the chain's failure, Rasmussen was unsure: "It's hard to say. Perhaps we didn't do a good enough job marketing ourselves." Rasmussen said he would eventually like to open a "more upscale shop, perhaps in the five to seven million dollar range," to fill the space housing Everything's $10,000, located in the Wheeling Plaza strip mall between Pat's Laundromat and Arby's.

CIA To Shift Focus To Greeting Cards

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades devoted to toppling Third World regimes and pumping crack into America's inner cities, CIA Director Robert Gates announced Monday that the agency will phase out covert paramilitary operations to focus exclusively on the production a new line of greeting cards. "Around the time we neutralized Vince Foster, we began to have doubts about whether this is what we really want to do," Gates said. "After last month's top-secret burial of toxic waste in Honduras, I just thought, 'You know what? There's a lot more to life than this.' That 'more,' for us, is the spreading of happy wishes to people on days that are special to them." The CIA's first card is expected to feature a cute bunny with birthday wishes for a special boy who is three today.

Computer Countdown To '00

There is widespread fear among computer experts that the turn of the millennium will create vast problems, as computers across the world—programmed with only the last two digits of a year—will mistake 2000 for 1900. What do you think?

Ask A Morally Weak Preacher

Father Paul Byrne is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Morally Weak Preacher, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

Nurse! Turn this room inside out! No one in this estate will eat their bread and gruel until my prosthetic ears are found! I just saw the things not one, maybe two hours ago! Where in the name of the Apostles could they be?

Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Oh, I So Nervous!

Editor's note: The media have frequently been criticized for their lack of coverage of issues and problems faced by geese. The Onion has asked Goosey The Goose to foster an awareness of goose issues among non-geese.

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! I so nervous, I never ever wrote a goose column in a newspaper before! I am nervous! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

I have problem keeping this pen in my wing! Have hard time writing! My feathers are slippery and pen keeps falling out! Ooh hoo! Oh no, there my pen go flying! What to do? What to do?

Here, I write with this rock! But rock don't write! It don't make nothing on the page! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! No one be able to read Goose Problems column by Goosey the Goose if I nothing to write with!

Old Dobbin The Draft Horse tell me why don't I go fetch pen, it over there near hen house. I thank Old Dobbin The Draft Horse for suggestion. I be right back.

Ooh hoo, ooh hoo, now I am all dithery. What I write about? I forget! I so nervous, I can't remember what I supposed to write about! Ooh hoo!

Clement The Duck tell me I write about goose problem. Oh yes, now I remember! I thank Clement The Duck, although I secretly hate Clement The Duck because he a duck. Gooses hate all ducks! Why I don't know. Oh, now I know why--it because they make gooses nervous. Everything make gooses nervous!

Oh no, I halfway through column and I not yet spoken of the goose problem! I better think something soon or Farmer McGillicuddy be very, very cross with me.

Now I even less space left on paper because I keep not talking about goose problems! And the more time I not write about goose problems the less time I got for to collect straws for spring! Must have straws for spring, or Goosey no lay eggs!

Oh! And what if it rain while I write Goose Problems? Rain wash away what I write down! Last summer it rain once, and drown the baby turkeys in the yard! I don't want to drown! Help! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Oh, I so nervous!

What's a goose problem, what's a goose problem? I do not know, I all in a tither! Will someone tell me what's a goose problem? Please, someone tell me! I don't have much space left to tell of the goose problems!

Oh no, there go my pen again! Oh dear, it go flying away! It go flying away toward, toward... the slaughterhouse!

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

Editor's Note: This is the last time Goose Problems will appear in The Onion.

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