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Oh, I So Nervous!

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

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Oh, I So Nervous!

Editor's note: The media have frequently been criticized for their lack of coverage of issues and problems faced by geese. The Onion has asked Goosey The Goose to foster an awareness of goose issues among non-geese.

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! I so nervous, I never ever wrote a goose column in a newspaper before! I am nervous! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

I have problem keeping this pen in my wing! Have hard time writing! My feathers are slippery and pen keeps falling out! Ooh hoo! Oh no, there my pen go flying! What to do? What to do?

Here, I write with this rock! But rock don't write! It don't make nothing on the page! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! No one be able to read Goose Problems column by Goosey the Goose if I nothing to write with!

Old Dobbin The Draft Horse tell me why don't I go fetch pen, it over there near hen house. I thank Old Dobbin The Draft Horse for suggestion. I be right back.

Ooh hoo, ooh hoo, now I am all dithery. What I write about? I forget! I so nervous, I can't remember what I supposed to write about! Ooh hoo!

Clement The Duck tell me I write about goose problem. Oh yes, now I remember! I thank Clement The Duck, although I secretly hate Clement The Duck because he a duck. Gooses hate all ducks! Why I don't know. Oh, now I know why--it because they make gooses nervous. Everything make gooses nervous!

Oh no, I halfway through column and I not yet spoken of the goose problem! I better think something soon or Farmer McGillicuddy be very, very cross with me.

Now I even less space left on paper because I keep not talking about goose problems! And the more time I not write about goose problems the less time I got for to collect straws for spring! Must have straws for spring, or Goosey no lay eggs!

Oh! And what if it rain while I write Goose Problems? Rain wash away what I write down! Last summer it rain once, and drown the baby turkeys in the yard! I don't want to drown! Help! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Oh, I so nervous!

What's a goose problem, what's a goose problem? I do not know, I all in a tither! Will someone tell me what's a goose problem? Please, someone tell me! I don't have much space left to tell of the goose problems!

Oh no, there go my pen again! Oh dear, it go flying away! It go flying away toward, toward... the slaughterhouse!

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

Editor's Note: This is the last time Goose Problems will appear in The Onion.

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