Oh, I So Nervous!

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

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Oh, I So Nervous!

Editor's note: The media have frequently been criticized for their lack of coverage of issues and problems faced by geese. The Onion has asked Goosey The Goose to foster an awareness of goose issues among non-geese.

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! I so nervous, I never ever wrote a goose column in a newspaper before! I am nervous! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

I have problem keeping this pen in my wing! Have hard time writing! My feathers are slippery and pen keeps falling out! Ooh hoo! Oh no, there my pen go flying! What to do? What to do?

Here, I write with this rock! But rock don't write! It don't make nothing on the page! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! No one be able to read Goose Problems column by Goosey the Goose if I nothing to write with!

Old Dobbin The Draft Horse tell me why don't I go fetch pen, it over there near hen house. I thank Old Dobbin The Draft Horse for suggestion. I be right back.

Ooh hoo, ooh hoo, now I am all dithery. What I write about? I forget! I so nervous, I can't remember what I supposed to write about! Ooh hoo!

Clement The Duck tell me I write about goose problem. Oh yes, now I remember! I thank Clement The Duck, although I secretly hate Clement The Duck because he a duck. Gooses hate all ducks! Why I don't know. Oh, now I know why--it because they make gooses nervous. Everything make gooses nervous!

Oh no, I halfway through column and I not yet spoken of the goose problem! I better think something soon or Farmer McGillicuddy be very, very cross with me.

Now I even less space left on paper because I keep not talking about goose problems! And the more time I not write about goose problems the less time I got for to collect straws for spring! Must have straws for spring, or Goosey no lay eggs!

Oh! And what if it rain while I write Goose Problems? Rain wash away what I write down! Last summer it rain once, and drown the baby turkeys in the yard! I don't want to drown! Help! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Oh, I so nervous!

What's a goose problem, what's a goose problem? I do not know, I all in a tither! Will someone tell me what's a goose problem? Please, someone tell me! I don't have much space left to tell of the goose problems!

Oh no, there go my pen again! Oh dear, it go flying away! It go flying away toward, toward... the slaughterhouse!

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

Editor's Note: This is the last time Goose Problems will appear in The Onion.