Oh, I So Nervous!

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Oh, I So Nervous!

Editor's note: The media have frequently been criticized for their lack of coverage of issues and problems faced by geese. The Onion has asked Goosey The Goose to foster an awareness of goose issues among non-geese.

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! I so nervous, I never ever wrote a goose column in a newspaper before! I am nervous! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

I have problem keeping this pen in my wing! Have hard time writing! My feathers are slippery and pen keeps falling out! Ooh hoo! Oh no, there my pen go flying! What to do? What to do?

Here, I write with this rock! But rock don't write! It don't make nothing on the page! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! No one be able to read Goose Problems column by Goosey the Goose if I nothing to write with!

Old Dobbin The Draft Horse tell me why don't I go fetch pen, it over there near hen house. I thank Old Dobbin The Draft Horse for suggestion. I be right back.

Ooh hoo, ooh hoo, now I am all dithery. What I write about? I forget! I so nervous, I can't remember what I supposed to write about! Ooh hoo!

Clement The Duck tell me I write about goose problem. Oh yes, now I remember! I thank Clement The Duck, although I secretly hate Clement The Duck because he a duck. Gooses hate all ducks! Why I don't know. Oh, now I know why--it because they make gooses nervous. Everything make gooses nervous!

Oh no, I halfway through column and I not yet spoken of the goose problem! I better think something soon or Farmer McGillicuddy be very, very cross with me.

Now I even less space left on paper because I keep not talking about goose problems! And the more time I not write about goose problems the less time I got for to collect straws for spring! Must have straws for spring, or Goosey no lay eggs!

Oh! And what if it rain while I write Goose Problems? Rain wash away what I write down! Last summer it rain once, and drown the baby turkeys in the yard! I don't want to drown! Help! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Oh, I so nervous!

What's a goose problem, what's a goose problem? I do not know, I all in a tither! Will someone tell me what's a goose problem? Please, someone tell me! I don't have much space left to tell of the goose problems!

Oh no, there go my pen again! Oh dear, it go flying away! It go flying away toward, toward... the slaughterhouse!

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

Editor's Note: This is the last time Goose Problems will appear in The Onion.