Oh My God, I Am So Drunk On Power Right Now

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NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...
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Oh My God, I Am So Drunk On Power Right Now

Peterson? Another wage cutback. Make it a double. And what say we don't water it down with a lot of firing-bonus mumbo-jumbo.

That's the stuff. I am feeling no pain. Now let's get down to business. Since RE/corp took over operations and placed me at the helm as CEO and president, AmTel has emerged as the leader in the computer-telephony field. With profits up, costs down, and 12 low-balls in the bag, I am so drunk on power I can barely see straight!

You there. Vice president in charge of operations? Take a memo. Let's construct another corporate headquarters in Taiwan. Yes, I would like another corporate headquarters. No, I do not think I've had enough. This is our anniversary, for Christ's sake. You know what? It's my own business, and if I want another headquarters, I'm having another headquarters.

You're fired. No, wait. Wait. I hire you back.

"In re" ongoing labor strikes, it is my intention to stand up—whoa—I believe I will stay seated.

Now, pending approval on the Minnesota job-reduction plan I authored several moments ago, we are all-systems-go to break ground on the Czechoslovakia facility in June. Additionally, the recent set of Heartland firings is over, and with that in mind, I suggest we have another round.

Eudyce? Get me an airplane. Outstanding payables reduction under Travis Briswalther is phenomenal: Run a tab. Actually, scratch that. I'm feeling magnanimous. The plane's on me. Fuck it. Let's really do this, right?

You bet your ass I'm serious, I... Oh man. I'm feeling light-headed—I really shouldn't have ordered that last set of convertible bonds. I... whoo. Jesus, I haven't been this drunk on power since I took us public in '93.

You'd think at my age I could handle all this power, but I guess it can still come up behind you and kick you in the ass. Maybe I should slow down... I mean, I'm not out of control or slurring minorities and getting sued by the NAACP, like that IBM guy, but still, when I stood up a second ago, it was like everything was revolving around me.

I do think I need a glass of spring water, though. Thanks, Eudyce. Say, Eudyce? I don't think I've ever told you that I really consider you my closest ally, second to my wife. Yeah, I do. These other guys, they don't like to vertically integrate the same kind of stuff that we do when we get together. You're...really great. Really, really great.

Now get me Takashi Sonobe on 4. I want to personally tell the old fossil he's out. Yes, Eudyce, I'm sure this is the right time. Get him on the phone.

Thank you. Hello? Hey! Hold on a sec, Takashi. ...Eudyce, could you excuse me?

Sorry, Takashi. Yeah so.... Domo arigato, sexy.

It's Briswalther. Ha ha ha. Buying you out! Ha ha. Guy who's going to take your job! Ha ha. No, no way. No way.

Yeah, so, it's like, I've wanted to talk to you ever since our Tuesday face-time. Yeah, I felt this mutual connection. I think it was mutual. It's like, we get each other, you know? We're both really... powerful, you know? Yeah, Karen doesn't get that about me. My wife. Karen.

You're not creeped, are you? Well, I guess I do mean it—I mean, I know I do. I do. I don't just... I don't just let anybody in, Takashi.

Ah-hmm. Mm-hmm. Call you after the deal goes through? Okay. Of course, Takashi. Of course. You too.

Eudyce? Oh God, Eudyce! Oh God, Eudyce, hold me.

No, of course not, I apologize. I'm just looped. I'm looped. I think I'm gonna... nope. No, I'm fine. But I think I should get a ride home. I don't think I'm capable of driving myself home. Yes, I agree. I'm in no state. Driver! Get my car ready! I'm going home.

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