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It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
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Oh My God, I Am So Drunk On Power Right Now

Peterson? Another wage cutback. Make it a double. And what say we don't water it down with a lot of firing-bonus mumbo-jumbo.

That's the stuff. I am feeling no pain. Now let's get down to business. Since RE/corp took over operations and placed me at the helm as CEO and president, AmTel has emerged as the leader in the computer-telephony field. With profits up, costs down, and 12 low-balls in the bag, I am so drunk on power I can barely see straight!

You there. Vice president in charge of operations? Take a memo. Let's construct another corporate headquarters in Taiwan. Yes, I would like another corporate headquarters. No, I do not think I've had enough. This is our anniversary, for Christ's sake. You know what? It's my own business, and if I want another headquarters, I'm having another headquarters.

You're fired. No, wait. Wait. I hire you back.

"In re" ongoing labor strikes, it is my intention to stand up—whoa—I believe I will stay seated.

Now, pending approval on the Minnesota job-reduction plan I authored several moments ago, we are all-systems-go to break ground on the Czechoslovakia facility in June. Additionally, the recent set of Heartland firings is over, and with that in mind, I suggest we have another round.

Eudyce? Get me an airplane. Outstanding payables reduction under Travis Briswalther is phenomenal: Run a tab. Actually, scratch that. I'm feeling magnanimous. The plane's on me. Fuck it. Let's really do this, right?

You bet your ass I'm serious, I... Oh man. I'm feeling light-headed—I really shouldn't have ordered that last set of convertible bonds. I... whoo. Jesus, I haven't been this drunk on power since I took us public in '93.

You'd think at my age I could handle all this power, but I guess it can still come up behind you and kick you in the ass. Maybe I should slow down... I mean, I'm not out of control or slurring minorities and getting sued by the NAACP, like that IBM guy, but still, when I stood up a second ago, it was like everything was revolving around me.

I do think I need a glass of spring water, though. Thanks, Eudyce. Say, Eudyce? I don't think I've ever told you that I really consider you my closest ally, second to my wife. Yeah, I do. These other guys, they don't like to vertically integrate the same kind of stuff that we do when we get together. You're...really great. Really, really great.

Now get me Takashi Sonobe on 4. I want to personally tell the old fossil he's out. Yes, Eudyce, I'm sure this is the right time. Get him on the phone.

Thank you. Hello? Hey! Hold on a sec, Takashi. ...Eudyce, could you excuse me?

Sorry, Takashi. Yeah so.... Domo arigato, sexy.

It's Briswalther. Ha ha ha. Buying you out! Ha ha. Guy who's going to take your job! Ha ha. No, no way. No way.

Yeah, so, it's like, I've wanted to talk to you ever since our Tuesday face-time. Yeah, I felt this mutual connection. I think it was mutual. It's like, we get each other, you know? We're both really... powerful, you know? Yeah, Karen doesn't get that about me. My wife. Karen.

You're not creeped, are you? Well, I guess I do mean it—I mean, I know I do. I do. I don't just... I don't just let anybody in, Takashi.

Ah-hmm. Mm-hmm. Call you after the deal goes through? Okay. Of course, Takashi. Of course. You too.

Eudyce? Oh God, Eudyce! Oh God, Eudyce, hold me.

No, of course not, I apologize. I'm just looped. I'm looped. I think I'm gonna... nope. No, I'm fine. But I think I should get a ride home. I don't think I'm capable of driving myself home. Yes, I agree. I'm in no state. Driver! Get my car ready! I'm going home.

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