Oh My God, I Am So Drunk On Power Right Now

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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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Oh My God, I Am So Drunk On Power Right Now

Peterson? Another wage cutback. Make it a double. And what say we don't water it down with a lot of firing-bonus mumbo-jumbo.

That's the stuff. I am feeling no pain. Now let's get down to business. Since RE/corp took over operations and placed me at the helm as CEO and president, AmTel has emerged as the leader in the computer-telephony field. With profits up, costs down, and 12 low-balls in the bag, I am so drunk on power I can barely see straight!

You there. Vice president in charge of operations? Take a memo. Let's construct another corporate headquarters in Taiwan. Yes, I would like another corporate headquarters. No, I do not think I've had enough. This is our anniversary, for Christ's sake. You know what? It's my own business, and if I want another headquarters, I'm having another headquarters.

You're fired. No, wait. Wait. I hire you back.

"In re" ongoing labor strikes, it is my intention to stand up—whoa—I believe I will stay seated.

Now, pending approval on the Minnesota job-reduction plan I authored several moments ago, we are all-systems-go to break ground on the Czechoslovakia facility in June. Additionally, the recent set of Heartland firings is over, and with that in mind, I suggest we have another round.

Eudyce? Get me an airplane. Outstanding payables reduction under Travis Briswalther is phenomenal: Run a tab. Actually, scratch that. I'm feeling magnanimous. The plane's on me. Fuck it. Let's really do this, right?

You bet your ass I'm serious, I... Oh man. I'm feeling light-headed—I really shouldn't have ordered that last set of convertible bonds. I... whoo. Jesus, I haven't been this drunk on power since I took us public in '93.

You'd think at my age I could handle all this power, but I guess it can still come up behind you and kick you in the ass. Maybe I should slow down... I mean, I'm not out of control or slurring minorities and getting sued by the NAACP, like that IBM guy, but still, when I stood up a second ago, it was like everything was revolving around me.

I do think I need a glass of spring water, though. Thanks, Eudyce. Say, Eudyce? I don't think I've ever told you that I really consider you my closest ally, second to my wife. Yeah, I do. These other guys, they don't like to vertically integrate the same kind of stuff that we do when we get together. You're...really great. Really, really great.

Now get me Takashi Sonobe on 4. I want to personally tell the old fossil he's out. Yes, Eudyce, I'm sure this is the right time. Get him on the phone.

Thank you. Hello? Hey! Hold on a sec, Takashi. ...Eudyce, could you excuse me?

Sorry, Takashi. Yeah so.... Domo arigato, sexy.

It's Briswalther. Ha ha ha. Buying you out! Ha ha. Guy who's going to take your job! Ha ha. No, no way. No way.

Yeah, so, it's like, I've wanted to talk to you ever since our Tuesday face-time. Yeah, I felt this mutual connection. I think it was mutual. It's like, we get each other, you know? We're both really... powerful, you know? Yeah, Karen doesn't get that about me. My wife. Karen.

You're not creeped, are you? Well, I guess I do mean it—I mean, I know I do. I do. I don't just... I don't just let anybody in, Takashi.

Ah-hmm. Mm-hmm. Call you after the deal goes through? Okay. Of course, Takashi. Of course. You too.

Eudyce? Oh God, Eudyce! Oh God, Eudyce, hold me.

No, of course not, I apologize. I'm just looped. I'm looped. I think I'm gonna... nope. No, I'm fine. But I think I should get a ride home. I don't think I'm capable of driving myself home. Yes, I agree. I'm in no state. Driver! Get my car ready! I'm going home.

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