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Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Oh My God, I Am So Totally Not A Fully Developed Person

Oh my God. You know what? I totally have to say something. Seriously, guys, you have to listen—this is way important. Kim? Erica? Amy? Are you listening? Okay, here it is: I am so not a fully developed person.

Shut up, Erica, it so totally is true, and you know it.

It's like Jung says. He's all, like, the primary task of a human is fulfillment through the process of individuation and the establishment of harmony of the conscious and unconscious. That's what totally makes a person, like, whole. Except for me. I'm so not my own person, it's not even funny.

God, I can't believe I even have to say this because it's, like, so obvious. You know how individuation is, like, determination or contraction of a general nature to an individual mode of existence? How it's, like, the emergence of the individual self from the general? Well, that is so ridiculously not me, you know?

Okay, so Jung, he also was way into classifying personality types, right? He said there's, like, extroverts and introverts, and me, I am so obviously an extrovert. Anyway, so, like, the weakness of extroverts lies in their tendency toward superficiality and an overdependence on making a good impression. Because they are well adapted to society, they usually accept popular social mores and convictions, and tend to be somewhat conventional in their judgments. They dislike being alone, regard reflection as morbid, and lack the tools for self-criticism. Hel-lo? Does that sound like anyone you know? I thought so.

Even though this is so clearly the case—like, how I really lack individual thoughts and opinions—my friends are still like, "Brittany, you are so totally the bomb." I give my opinions on things, and people listen to me like I know what I'm talking about, but I, like, so completely do not. I mean, I'm not smart at all. Like, I am so totally one-dimensional, I can't even believe it.

If I am to develop a well-rounded personality, it's, like, essential that at some point my ego and intellect become aware of the existence of this other center of the personality—the center that contains this far greater intellect and will than the ego's center. Like, without developing the ability to become self-sufficient, there is no way I will become conscious of all the unknown potentials lying dormant in the unknown parts of my psyche.

One small prob, though: I am sooo reliant on my parents, even though I'm always going off on how I can't stand them. Even more so, I'm dependent on the approval of my peer group—a group I chose specifically for its tendency to give my thoughts and actions unconditional approval. And because I hang out pretty much exclusively with these friends and discount the opinions of those not in my peer group, I sort of get the idea I am not totally dumb. But the reality is, I, like, so totally am. Like, when I read things, I comprehend them only at the shallowest level. My opinions are just parroted reductions of things I overheard in passing or saw on TV. How sad is that?

Okay, I'm not completely dumb. I'm just really immature. I have a decent IQ, so I do have a chance of developing into a well-rounded, self-actualized person someday.

As for right now, though—oh my God. I mean, like, no friggin' way.

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