Oh My God, I Am So Totally Not A Fully Developed Person

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Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age

TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

YouTube Turns 10

On April 23, 2005, three former PayPal employees started a video-sharing site called YouTube, which has since grown into an influential media platform with over 1 billion users.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain

SAUSALITO, CA—Following nine months of surgeries and physical therapy to heal the aquatic animal’s debilitating injuries, officials from the Marine Mammal Center released a fully rehabilitated sea otter back into the food chain Tuesday.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...

Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel

Shortly after Apple debuted its new ultra-thin MacBook this week, Google announced its new Chromebook Pixel 2, which similarly boasts the new Type-C USB port and high-tech trackpad.

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan.

2015 Tech Trends

Showcasing everything from wearable devices to self-driving cars and personal drones, this year’s Consumer Electronics Show revealed the latest in new technology.

Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Saying the money would help further researchers’ understanding of the awesome scientific phenomenon, representatives for the American Institute of Physics announced Tuesday that they had received a $10 million grant to melt st...

Pfizer Releases Vintage Cask-Aged Robitussin

GROTON, CT—Touting the new offering’s full-bodied flavor and bold, fruit-forward bouquet, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a vintage cask-aged variety of its popular cold medicine Robitussin on Friday. Labeled as Robitussin Reserve, the hi...

Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement

CUPERTINO, CA—Ending weeks of anticipation and intense speculation, tech giant Apple unveiled a short and fleeting moment of excitement to the general public Tuesday during a media event at its corporate headquarters.

Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits...

Hospital Comforts Patients With New Therapy Oyster Program

CHICAGO—As part of an effort to provide comfort and serenity to patients, officials at Mount Sinai Hospital have launched a new therapy oyster program that brings hundreds of the bivalve mollusks to the bedsides of those most in need of cheering up.
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Oh My God, I Am So Totally Not A Fully Developed Person

Oh my God. You know what? I totally have to say something. Seriously, guys, you have to listen—this is way important. Kim? Erica? Amy? Are you listening? Okay, here it is: I am so not a fully developed person.

Shut up, Erica, it so totally is true, and you know it.

It's like Jung says. He's all, like, the primary task of a human is fulfillment through the process of individuation and the establishment of harmony of the conscious and unconscious. That's what totally makes a person, like, whole. Except for me. I'm so not my own person, it's not even funny.

God, I can't believe I even have to say this because it's, like, so obvious. You know how individuation is, like, determination or contraction of a general nature to an individual mode of existence? How it's, like, the emergence of the individual self from the general? Well, that is so ridiculously not me, you know?

Okay, so Jung, he also was way into classifying personality types, right? He said there's, like, extroverts and introverts, and me, I am so obviously an extrovert. Anyway, so, like, the weakness of extroverts lies in their tendency toward superficiality and an overdependence on making a good impression. Because they are well adapted to society, they usually accept popular social mores and convictions, and tend to be somewhat conventional in their judgments. They dislike being alone, regard reflection as morbid, and lack the tools for self-criticism. Hel-lo? Does that sound like anyone you know? I thought so.

Even though this is so clearly the case—like, how I really lack individual thoughts and opinions—my friends are still like, "Brittany, you are so totally the bomb." I give my opinions on things, and people listen to me like I know what I'm talking about, but I, like, so completely do not. I mean, I'm not smart at all. Like, I am so totally one-dimensional, I can't even believe it.

If I am to develop a well-rounded personality, it's, like, essential that at some point my ego and intellect become aware of the existence of this other center of the personality—the center that contains this far greater intellect and will than the ego's center. Like, without developing the ability to become self-sufficient, there is no way I will become conscious of all the unknown potentials lying dormant in the unknown parts of my psyche.

One small prob, though: I am sooo reliant on my parents, even though I'm always going off on how I can't stand them. Even more so, I'm dependent on the approval of my peer group—a group I chose specifically for its tendency to give my thoughts and actions unconditional approval. And because I hang out pretty much exclusively with these friends and discount the opinions of those not in my peer group, I sort of get the idea I am not totally dumb. But the reality is, I, like, so totally am. Like, when I read things, I comprehend them only at the shallowest level. My opinions are just parroted reductions of things I overheard in passing or saw on TV. How sad is that?

Okay, I'm not completely dumb. I'm just really immature. I have a decent IQ, so I do have a chance of developing into a well-rounded, self-actualized person someday.

As for right now, though—oh my God. I mean, like, no friggin' way.

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