How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Oh Shit, I Totally Forgot That Happens!

As the author of the popular Song Of Ice And Fire series of fantasy novels, it has been a pleasure and a joy to watch Game Of Thrones, HBO’s riveting television adaptation of my work. Every week, the show delights viewers, myself included, with a series of stirring performances, deftly maneuvered feats of visual storytelling, and eye-popping special effects. It truly is a joy to watch my novels—my life’s work—come to life on the screen, rendered with tact, faithfulness, and considerable filmmaking skill.

That being said, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I totally forgot that whole thing about the Red Wedding! Christ almighty, talk about a punch in the goddamned gut. I must have been sitting there for 20 minutes afterwards just completely numb with disbelief, like, “What the hell did I just watch?”

I mean, is it that brutal in my book? I honestly don’t remember.

The whole time it was happening, I was literally just staring at my television in shock thinking, “Son of a bitch, I forgot about that! Three of the story’s main characters are murdered in the most savage and horrific fashion imaginable!” My wife and I were sitting on the couch and we both just turned and looked at each other, like, “Whoa. That was intense.” I mean, I vaguely remember writing something like that, but that was years ago, you know? You forget these things.

And you don’t see it coming, either; that’s the thing. The previous episode capped off with the marriage of Tyrion Lannister and Sansa Stark, which seemed like it might be the real big event in a season that has largely been concerned with puzzle pieces falling into place. So with only two episodes left before the season’s conclusion, I was just looking forward to some more juicy exposition, no more, no less. But no! Catelyn Stark, Robb Stark, his wife Talisa and their unborn child—hell, even Robb’s wolf, Grey Wind—all slaughtered on the same night by the traitorous Walder Frey and his league of Lannister sympathizers! And at the end of a wedding no less! A goddamned wedding!

And here I was sitting on my couch like a child thinking about how sweet it was that Talisa wanted to name the baby after Ned Stark, and how emotional it would be in two minutes when Robb finally met up with Arya, who was right outside the whole time. I was looking forward to that scene for three whole episodes! I was 100 percent sure I had written it, too. I mean, who doesn’t want Arya to reunite with her family?

Then out of nowhere, boom! Catelyn Stark’s neck is sliced open with her firstborn son dead at her feet. And I suddenly remembered, “Oh, yeah! I did that.”

I think it was in Book Four. Or Book Three? One of those.

The worst part, though, was the moment right when I started to realize what I had written. It was after Lothar Frey went to the back of the room and closed those big doors and Catelyn Stark looked over at Roose Bolton and saw that he’s wearing chainmail under his nice clothes. That was the moment I thought, “Fuck, that’s right. I think I might kill off Robb Stark here.” And then I did! And boy, was it a hard to thing to watch, especially when I had also completely blanked on the fact his mom dies right after.

This fucking show, you know? One minute Robb Stark is solidifying his military power on his way to King’s Landing and the next he’s bleeding out on the floor. Just goes to show you can’t get too attached to any of my characters.

Hell, I’m still getting over the death of Ned Stark in Season One.

And even though it’s my responsibility as an author to protect the integrity of my novels at all costs, I have to admit that I personally wouldn’t have noticed if they’d completely changed the story at that point and the episode had ended happily. Hell, those books were written a long time ago; you can’t expect me to remember every last detail. Sure, I’m an executive producer on the show and they send me all the scripts on these things, but I never read them. Those things are full of spoilers.

At any rate, holy shit! I almost don’t want to see what I do next week. All I know is Tyrion better not get killed, because if he dies I’m done with this show, man. Done.

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