Oh Shit, I Totally Forgot That Happens!

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Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.
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Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Preparedness

Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

Oh Shit, I Totally Forgot That Happens!

As the author of the popular Song Of Ice And Fire series of fantasy novels, it has been a pleasure and a joy to watch Game Of Thrones, HBO’s riveting television adaptation of my work. Every week, the show delights viewers, myself included, with a series of stirring performances, deftly maneuvered feats of visual storytelling, and eye-popping special effects. It truly is a joy to watch my novels—my life’s work—come to life on the screen, rendered with tact, faithfulness, and considerable filmmaking skill.

That being said, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I totally forgot that whole thing about the Red Wedding! Christ almighty, talk about a punch in the goddamned gut. I must have been sitting there for 20 minutes afterwards just completely numb with disbelief, like, “What the hell did I just watch?”

I mean, is it that brutal in my book? I honestly don’t remember.

The whole time it was happening, I was literally just staring at my television in shock thinking, “Son of a bitch, I forgot about that! Three of the story’s main characters are murdered in the most savage and horrific fashion imaginable!” My wife and I were sitting on the couch and we both just turned and looked at each other, like, “Whoa. That was intense.” I mean, I vaguely remember writing something like that, but that was years ago, you know? You forget these things.

And you don’t see it coming, either; that’s the thing. The previous episode capped off with the marriage of Tyrion Lannister and Sansa Stark, which seemed like it might be the real big event in a season that has largely been concerned with puzzle pieces falling into place. So with only two episodes left before the season’s conclusion, I was just looking forward to some more juicy exposition, no more, no less. But no! Catelyn Stark, Robb Stark, his wife Talisa and their unborn child—hell, even Robb’s wolf, Grey Wind—all slaughtered on the same night by the traitorous Walder Frey and his league of Lannister sympathizers! And at the end of a wedding no less! A goddamned wedding!

And here I was sitting on my couch like a child thinking about how sweet it was that Talisa wanted to name the baby after Ned Stark, and how emotional it would be in two minutes when Robb finally met up with Arya, who was right outside the whole time. I was looking forward to that scene for three whole episodes! I was 100 percent sure I had written it, too. I mean, who doesn’t want Arya to reunite with her family?

Then out of nowhere, boom! Catelyn Stark’s neck is sliced open with her firstborn son dead at her feet. And I suddenly remembered, “Oh, yeah! I did that.”

I think it was in Book Four. Or Book Three? One of those.

The worst part, though, was the moment right when I started to realize what I had written. It was after Lothar Frey went to the back of the room and closed those big doors and Catelyn Stark looked over at Roose Bolton and saw that he’s wearing chainmail under his nice clothes. That was the moment I thought, “Fuck, that’s right. I think I might kill off Robb Stark here.” And then I did! And boy, was it a hard to thing to watch, especially when I had also completely blanked on the fact his mom dies right after.

This fucking show, you know? One minute Robb Stark is solidifying his military power on his way to King’s Landing and the next he’s bleeding out on the floor. Just goes to show you can’t get too attached to any of my characters.

Hell, I’m still getting over the death of Ned Stark in Season One.

And even though it’s my responsibility as an author to protect the integrity of my novels at all costs, I have to admit that I personally wouldn’t have noticed if they’d completely changed the story at that point and the episode had ended happily. Hell, those books were written a long time ago; you can’t expect me to remember every last detail. Sure, I’m an executive producer on the show and they send me all the scripts on these things, but I never read them. Those things are full of spoilers.

At any rate, holy shit! I almost don’t want to see what I do next week. All I know is Tyrion better not get killed, because if he dies I’m done with this show, man. Done.