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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Oh, So I’m Distant And Emotionally Abusive For Several Years, And All Of A Sudden I’m Not Good Enough For You Anymore?

So this is it? You’re just leaving? After everything we’ve been through, after everything we’ve shared, you’re just going to walk out of here as if it all meant nothing. I can’t believe you can stand there and tell me it’s over. How can you suddenly say I’m not good enough for you, just because I’ve been distant and emotionally abusive for the past several years?

I don’t even understand where this is coming from. I’ve been nothing but cold and unsupportive, and now, out of nowhere, you say you’re done with me.

Tell me, what’s changed? I’m still the same aloof and manipulative man you met years ago. Everything—absolutely everything—I do is as self-serving now as it has been since the day we met. My God, what am I supposed to do here? I really thought you were the woman whose emotions I was going to exploit for the rest of my life.

If you had just said something to me earlier instead of blindsiding me like this, we could have dealt with the situation like adults. We could have had an open, honest conversation where I don’t listen to anything you say and then talk over you instead of addressing your valid concerns. That’s how we’ve always managed to get through the rough patches in our relationship before, and if you had allowed us to do the same this time, we wouldn’t be in this mess. So really, this is your fault. I’ve always done my best to avoid confronting any of our problems. Have you? Even once?

Oh, but never mind—apparently you’re the one who’s too good for me.

Seriously, I’ve made thousands of sarcastic remarks aimed at putting you down anytime you attempt to assert yourself even in the smallest way, and my reward for that is you just walking out the door? Now I feel like a fool for making so many sacrifices for our relationship. I never complained once about hanging out with your friends those few times we did that. I certainly didn’t want to spend all that time belittling you in front of them, but I did it anyway. For you.

Haven’t I always been there for you, ready to close down and withdraw from intimacy the moment you disagree with me? Can you look me in the eyes and tell me all those cold, hard silences we shared meant absolutely nothing to you?

Now when I think back on all the times I told you how much worse off you’d be without me, how I was settling by dating you to begin with, I realize you didn’t even care. Well, fine. If you don’t appreciate the way I twist your words around and continually make you out to be the bad guy, so be it. Best of luck finding someone else who’s half as good as I am at undermining your self-esteem so gradually it takes you years to realize what’s even happening.

If I had the emotional capacity to feel sorry for you, I would.

You’re going to miss the way I shower you with passive-aggressive comments and spontaneously fly into a rage when you least expect it. And you’re going to miss having me there to isolate you from your closest friends and family members. It takes a special kind of person to do those things day in and day out, but maybe that’s something you just won’t appreciate until it’s too late.

If I were you, I’d reconsider this huge mistake before I’m gone forever. Take a couple days to think about it. If you change your mind because you’ve realized you’re much happier with me than alone, just know I’ll be ready and willing to take advantage of that vulnerability.

I’ll be right here.

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