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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Oh, The Humiliation!

Not long ago, I reported that Mr. Tin, that mechanical ro-bot man employed to be my nurse, ran away from my estate with my iron-lung, with whom it was smitten. Lousy metal Judas!

As a result, I had to go through the long and agonizing process of finding a new nurse. I knew something was amiss, however, when, a scant three days after Mr. Tin's exit, I awoke to find myself being lifted out of bed.

At first I didn't respond, because I was still disoriented and half-asleep. A moment later, I vaguely sensed myself gently moving back and forth. Suddenly, I felt the sensation of something warm, damp and sack-like being stuffed into my mouth and nose! It quite cut off my air, and I quickly jerked my eyes open. I looked up to find myself on a rocking-chair in the lap of an enormous woman, garbed in an apron and maid's cap! Great Caesar's Ghost! The woman was nursing me!

Despite my muffled protests, the wet-nurse continued to ply her trade. If I had my dentures in, I would have bit her in the teat, but, as luck would have it, I could only gum it weakly.

The nightmare went on, every morning, for about a week. Her grasp overpowering, she'd practically smother me with her pendulous bosoms, which seemed to me as big as hogs-heads. And the milk she gave was a thin, pus-like fluid that tasted acrid and lukewarm. What's more, it inflamed my tracheotomy scars! Thank God my man-servant Standish entered my bed-chamber when he did to witness this outrage!

When the smoke had cleared, Standish explained to me that there had been a mix-up at the agency, and a wet-nurse had been mistakenly sent to the estate. "But how in the Devil could she have mistaken me for a baby?" I asked.

Apparently, Standish replied, the wet-nurse was an immigrant from the Emerald Isle and believed me to be a changeling, which in Irish lore is a hideous, wizened phantom that is the replacement for a real baby stolen by the fairies. Despite great personal reluctance, she suckled me only because she wished not to anger the fairies.

The things an old man has to put up with!

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