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Oh, The Humiliation!

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Oh, The Humiliation!

Not long ago, I reported that Mr. Tin, that mechanical ro-bot man employed to be my nurse, ran away from my estate with my iron-lung, with whom it was smitten. Lousy metal Judas!

As a result, I had to go through the long and agonizing process of finding a new nurse. I knew something was amiss, however, when, a scant three days after Mr. Tin's exit, I awoke to find myself being lifted out of bed.

At first I didn't respond, because I was still disoriented and half-asleep. A moment later, I vaguely sensed myself gently moving back and forth. Suddenly, I felt the sensation of something warm, damp and sack-like being stuffed into my mouth and nose! It quite cut off my air, and I quickly jerked my eyes open. I looked up to find myself on a rocking-chair in the lap of an enormous woman, garbed in an apron and maid's cap! Great Caesar's Ghost! The woman was nursing me!

Despite my muffled protests, the wet-nurse continued to ply her trade. If I had my dentures in, I would have bit her in the teat, but, as luck would have it, I could only gum it weakly.

The nightmare went on, every morning, for about a week. Her grasp overpowering, she'd practically smother me with her pendulous bosoms, which seemed to me as big as hogs-heads. And the milk she gave was a thin, pus-like fluid that tasted acrid and lukewarm. What's more, it inflamed my tracheotomy scars! Thank God my man-servant Standish entered my bed-chamber when he did to witness this outrage!

When the smoke had cleared, Standish explained to me that there had been a mix-up at the agency, and a wet-nurse had been mistakenly sent to the estate. "But how in the Devil could she have mistaken me for a baby?" I asked.

Apparently, Standish replied, the wet-nurse was an immigrant from the Emerald Isle and believed me to be a changeling, which in Irish lore is a hideous, wizened phantom that is the replacement for a real baby stolen by the fairies. Despite great personal reluctance, she suckled me only because she wished not to anger the fairies.

The things an old man has to put up with!

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