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Oh Yes... I Am Still Very Much Alive!

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Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

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Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Oh Yes... I Am Still Very Much Alive!

Ha! I see by the look of terror in your pathetic Earthling eyes that you did not expect to see me standing here when the sliding doors to the Rocket-Sled-Escape-Pod hangar bay whooshed open. You thought you had defeated me forever when my Imperial Fortress on the ice planet Freezion was destroyed. Fool! Did you really think the great Gorzo The Mighty, Emperor Of The Universe, Overlord Of The Seven Suns Of Solaria, the greatest tyrant the galaxy has ever known, could have met with such an easy demise?

All this time, you thought you had defeated me... but you were only playing into my hands, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000! It is I! I am still very much alive!

Don't look so surprised, Crash... It is only your arch-nemesis himself. And do not be fooled into thinking that this is some sort of projected illusion, or even a hallucination caused by the nectar of the fresh-plucked Hypno-Flower.

What's this? Reaching for your Electro-Ray Pistol? Well, let's find out how well you can shoot... when you are in the grip of my Immobilizer Scepter! Ha! Look at you, Crash Comet. Caught... caught like an Earth rat in an Earth rat trap! What's the matter? Does being frozen in my scepter's Tracto-Beam cause you... PAIN? Ha ha ha ha! Behold the feeble worm before me! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, how I have anticipated this moment! My ultimate victory, at last!

How simple it was to deceive you! When you jammed the controls of my dreaded Atomic Radio Ray, causing it to emit oscillating waves of an increasingly higher frequency before finally self-destructing, you assumed that I had perished in the massive explosion! But how wrong you were! You were clever to wedge the butt of that Blasto-Rifle against the control lever so it would be stuck on maximum power, I give you that. And just as the Atomic Radio Ray immolated, how cunning it was of you to escape at the last second by jumping through the Electro-Portal as the fireball raced down the corridor behind you. But, alas, you were not cunning enough! It takes more than the crude strategies of a puny Earth brain to outwit the invincible Gorzo!

For it was my plan all along to trick you into thinking me dead. That way, I could carefully observe you and your allies from the Spaceship Gallant as you planned the next move in your relentless fight to free my interplanetary slaves from my iron grip. I knew you were coming here to the Space Laboratory to capture the rare Galactic Power Crystal and attempt to turn its awesome powers against my forces. I observed everything in my own Hidden Space Observatory, from which I direct my Remote-Control Robo-Legions in utter secrecy. How did I do this, you ask? Why, I had arranged to have the Spaceship Gallant fitted with a hidden Electro-Magneto Photo-Camera Transmitter! Your plans have been laid bare all along, as plain as daylight on the plains of planet Meex!

But come now... no more of this idle talk. I have toyed with you long enough, my puny prey. Now the time has come... for your annihilation! Prepare to be blasted into atoms, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000!

Wait! What is going on? No... no... NO! A rescue squad of Star Troopers from the rebel planet Xenon, bursting in through the sliding doors and cutting a swath of destruction through my Robo-Legionnaires?! If I do not retreat into my Escape Hatch immediately, they will surely capture me, as well! Your accursed friends have saved you once more! You've won this round, Crash Comet... but I tell you this: I, Gorzo The Mighty, Emperor Of The Universe, will smite you in the end! Do you hear me, Crash Comet?

The next time, you will not be so lucky! Curse you, Crash Comet! WE SHALL MEET AGAIN!

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