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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Oh Yes... I Am Still Very Much Alive!

Ha! I see by the look of terror in your pathetic Earthling eyes that you did not expect to see me standing here when the sliding doors to the Rocket-Sled-Escape-Pod hangar bay whooshed open. You thought you had defeated me forever when my Imperial Fortress on the ice planet Freezion was destroyed. Fool! Did you really think the great Gorzo The Mighty, Emperor Of The Universe, Overlord Of The Seven Suns Of Solaria, the greatest tyrant the galaxy has ever known, could have met with such an easy demise?

All this time, you thought you had defeated me... but you were only playing into my hands, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000! It is I! I am still very much alive!

Don't look so surprised, Crash... It is only your arch-nemesis himself. And do not be fooled into thinking that this is some sort of projected illusion, or even a hallucination caused by the nectar of the fresh-plucked Hypno-Flower.

What's this? Reaching for your Electro-Ray Pistol? Well, let's find out how well you can shoot... when you are in the grip of my Immobilizer Scepter! Ha! Look at you, Crash Comet. Caught... caught like an Earth rat in an Earth rat trap! What's the matter? Does being frozen in my scepter's Tracto-Beam cause you... PAIN? Ha ha ha ha! Behold the feeble worm before me! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, how I have anticipated this moment! My ultimate victory, at last!

How simple it was to deceive you! When you jammed the controls of my dreaded Atomic Radio Ray, causing it to emit oscillating waves of an increasingly higher frequency before finally self-destructing, you assumed that I had perished in the massive explosion! But how wrong you were! You were clever to wedge the butt of that Blasto-Rifle against the control lever so it would be stuck on maximum power, I give you that. And just as the Atomic Radio Ray immolated, how cunning it was of you to escape at the last second by jumping through the Electro-Portal as the fireball raced down the corridor behind you. But, alas, you were not cunning enough! It takes more than the crude strategies of a puny Earth brain to outwit the invincible Gorzo!

For it was my plan all along to trick you into thinking me dead. That way, I could carefully observe you and your allies from the Spaceship Gallant as you planned the next move in your relentless fight to free my interplanetary slaves from my iron grip. I knew you were coming here to the Space Laboratory to capture the rare Galactic Power Crystal and attempt to turn its awesome powers against my forces. I observed everything in my own Hidden Space Observatory, from which I direct my Remote-Control Robo-Legions in utter secrecy. How did I do this, you ask? Why, I had arranged to have the Spaceship Gallant fitted with a hidden Electro-Magneto Photo-Camera Transmitter! Your plans have been laid bare all along, as plain as daylight on the plains of planet Meex!

But come now... no more of this idle talk. I have toyed with you long enough, my puny prey. Now the time has come... for your annihilation! Prepare to be blasted into atoms, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000!

Wait! What is going on? No... no... NO! A rescue squad of Star Troopers from the rebel planet Xenon, bursting in through the sliding doors and cutting a swath of destruction through my Robo-Legionnaires?! If I do not retreat into my Escape Hatch immediately, they will surely capture me, as well! Your accursed friends have saved you once more! You've won this round, Crash Comet... but I tell you this: I, Gorzo The Mighty, Emperor Of The Universe, will smite you in the end! Do you hear me, Crash Comet?

The next time, you will not be so lucky! Curse you, Crash Comet! WE SHALL MEET AGAIN!

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