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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Okay, I Admit It, I've Got Oscar on the Brain

The Outside Scoop

Item! Did everyone catch the Oscars the other night? I got 15 minutes into it be-fore my mother called. As soon as I answered the phone I realized it was her birthday! Boy, was my face red. Of course, I had to talk to her then because by the time the show was over, she’d be in bed. When we were done talking, they had moved on to the stupid categories like “Best Short Film” (Hello! Does anyone actually see these things?) and “Best Editing.” (Like that’s important!) So, I talked to some people, and for those of you who missed the proceedings, here’s what we both missed:

Actor Mel Gibson got a lot of awards, including Best Actor and Best Film for The Brave Heart, an action movie set in Ireland. I saw the trailers on TV with him wearing a skirt. He didn’t look so macho, ladies, I assure you. I have two choice words for you Mr. Gibson—Thigh Master. Actor Nicholas Cage won Best Actor as well, something I’ve been predicting since his days on 21 Jump Street. That guy can take even the smallest role and breathe life into it! Whoopi Goldberg said some very political things in her monologue (at least that part I saw). Good for you, Whoopi!

Item! My friend Loni Anderson, who I met at a book signing last fall, has been turning down offers left and right these days! Why is this? I asked her at the signing, and she played it cool. “What offers?” she said. I was going to ask her more, but she was done signing my book and asked me to be considerate of the other people in line. What can I say? When Loni asks, what can I do but comply? Now it turns out that she has a big television part. I knew it! (As for the secret you’ve been dying to know, she signed my book, “To Jacky, All the best, Loni.”)

Basketball fever! Everybody’s catching it!

Item! Did anyone see me on the Six O’Clock News last Wednesday? They were doing those “man on the street” interviews, and I happened to be passing by. No, I wasn’t asked my opinion (and it’s a good thing, because I was in a hurry to return videos), but I passed right behind someone who was being interviewed. So yes, that was my head that was seen on televisions across the city. I’m glad they got my good side.

The place that was once set for my ex-fiancee Linda is now wide open with my long-standing invitation for actor extraordinaire Joseph Cotten. This doesn’t mean that I’m adverse to having other company though.

Finally, I’ll be speaking at the grand opening of the new Ben Franklin this weekend. Come on down if you can, and I’ll be happy to give you some of the juicy gossip so hot that even The Outside Scoop can’t print it! If you can’t make it, then I guess I’ll see you next week...on the outside!

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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