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Okay, I Admit It, I've Got Oscar on the Brain

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Okay, I Admit It, I've Got Oscar on the Brain

The Outside Scoop

Item! Did everyone catch the Oscars the other night? I got 15 minutes into it be-fore my mother called. As soon as I answered the phone I realized it was her birthday! Boy, was my face red. Of course, I had to talk to her then because by the time the show was over, she’d be in bed. When we were done talking, they had moved on to the stupid categories like “Best Short Film” (Hello! Does anyone actually see these things?) and “Best Editing.” (Like that’s important!) So, I talked to some people, and for those of you who missed the proceedings, here’s what we both missed:

Actor Mel Gibson got a lot of awards, including Best Actor and Best Film for The Brave Heart, an action movie set in Ireland. I saw the trailers on TV with him wearing a skirt. He didn’t look so macho, ladies, I assure you. I have two choice words for you Mr. Gibson—Thigh Master. Actor Nicholas Cage won Best Actor as well, something I’ve been predicting since his days on 21 Jump Street. That guy can take even the smallest role and breathe life into it! Whoopi Goldberg said some very political things in her monologue (at least that part I saw). Good for you, Whoopi!

Item! My friend Loni Anderson, who I met at a book signing last fall, has been turning down offers left and right these days! Why is this? I asked her at the signing, and she played it cool. “What offers?” she said. I was going to ask her more, but she was done signing my book and asked me to be considerate of the other people in line. What can I say? When Loni asks, what can I do but comply? Now it turns out that she has a big television part. I knew it! (As for the secret you’ve been dying to know, she signed my book, “To Jacky, All the best, Loni.”)

Basketball fever! Everybody’s catching it!

Item! Did anyone see me on the Six O’Clock News last Wednesday? They were doing those “man on the street” interviews, and I happened to be passing by. No, I wasn’t asked my opinion (and it’s a good thing, because I was in a hurry to return videos), but I passed right behind someone who was being interviewed. So yes, that was my head that was seen on televisions across the city. I’m glad they got my good side.

The place that was once set for my ex-fiancee Linda is now wide open with my long-standing invitation for actor extraordinaire Joseph Cotten. This doesn’t mean that I’m adverse to having other company though.

Finally, I’ll be speaking at the grand opening of the new Ben Franklin this weekend. Come on down if you can, and I’ll be happy to give you some of the juicy gossip so hot that even The Outside Scoop can’t print it! If you can’t make it, then I guess I’ll see you next week...on the outside!

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