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Okay, I Admit It, I've Got Oscar on the Brain

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Okay, I Admit It, I've Got Oscar on the Brain

The Outside Scoop

Item! Did everyone catch the Oscars the other night? I got 15 minutes into it be-fore my mother called. As soon as I answered the phone I realized it was her birthday! Boy, was my face red. Of course, I had to talk to her then because by the time the show was over, she’d be in bed. When we were done talking, they had moved on to the stupid categories like “Best Short Film” (Hello! Does anyone actually see these things?) and “Best Editing.” (Like that’s important!) So, I talked to some people, and for those of you who missed the proceedings, here’s what we both missed:

Actor Mel Gibson got a lot of awards, including Best Actor and Best Film for The Brave Heart, an action movie set in Ireland. I saw the trailers on TV with him wearing a skirt. He didn’t look so macho, ladies, I assure you. I have two choice words for you Mr. Gibson—Thigh Master. Actor Nicholas Cage won Best Actor as well, something I’ve been predicting since his days on 21 Jump Street. That guy can take even the smallest role and breathe life into it! Whoopi Goldberg said some very political things in her monologue (at least that part I saw). Good for you, Whoopi!

Item! My friend Loni Anderson, who I met at a book signing last fall, has been turning down offers left and right these days! Why is this? I asked her at the signing, and she played it cool. “What offers?” she said. I was going to ask her more, but she was done signing my book and asked me to be considerate of the other people in line. What can I say? When Loni asks, what can I do but comply? Now it turns out that she has a big television part. I knew it! (As for the secret you’ve been dying to know, she signed my book, “To Jacky, All the best, Loni.”)

Basketball fever! Everybody’s catching it!

Item! Did anyone see me on the Six O’Clock News last Wednesday? They were doing those “man on the street” interviews, and I happened to be passing by. No, I wasn’t asked my opinion (and it’s a good thing, because I was in a hurry to return videos), but I passed right behind someone who was being interviewed. So yes, that was my head that was seen on televisions across the city. I’m glad they got my good side.

The place that was once set for my ex-fiancee Linda is now wide open with my long-standing invitation for actor extraordinaire Joseph Cotten. This doesn’t mean that I’m adverse to having other company though.

Finally, I’ll be speaking at the grand opening of the new Ben Franklin this weekend. Come on down if you can, and I’ll be happy to give you some of the juicy gossip so hot that even The Outside Scoop can’t print it! If you can’t make it, then I guess I’ll see you next week...on the outside!

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