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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Old Folks At Home

Long life is the ardent desire of many. Indeed, some of you may achieve it, as I have. But once you find your-self out-living your pet Galapagos tortoise, you may do well to question your luck.

Yes, Cap'n Clyde is deceased. Standish found him belly-up in the billiards room a couple of mornings ago. I can't conceive of life with-out the bumpy old codger. Since I first acquired him as a tortoise-ling nigh unto 100 years ago, he was my beloved friend and companion. I would take him to the park for extremely long walks, some-times lasting days. All my children, from U. Fairfax to M. Prescott, rode atop his sturdy shell. Unlike my faith-less hound dogs, who were inclined to die off within a decade, Cap'n Clyde proved his fealty to his master year after year after year. Whether eating lettuce, retreating into his shell for days on end, or training his dull gaze on his water-dish, he provided a stead-fast constant in a turbulent world. Fare-well, you dear old shelled bastard!

Once my life became bereft of the only other living creature who approached my age, I felt alone, indeed. I parlayed this sentiment to Doc McGillicuddy, who decided to surprise me by shanghaiing four centenarians from a nearby resting-home for the infirm, and delivering them to my estate. Sadly, two of them, a 103- and 108-year-old, were DOA. Apparently, the journey was too much for them.

The other two, a 105-year-old lady and a 112-year-old Negro, were wheeled into my bed-chamber. I warmly greeted them and asked if they preferred cream or sugar in their coffee. The 105-year-old lady responded by passing away.

That left me with the 112-year-old Negro, who was a nice enough fellow, but I quickly realized we had little in common. He told me that he was the son of Alabama slaves and had spent much of his life as an impoverished share-cropper who none-the-less managed to put his three sons through college, and that he thanked God every day for his great fortune. I told him that I was a 132-year-old news-paper publisher who had inherited the business from my father, and that I had known obscene luxury all my life. There was an awkward silence. I asked him if he remembered the Excelsior 14-model butter-churn, and he said no. Then he died.

Well, that proved a total wash-out. I should just face the fact that other centenarians would prefer to die than spend time with me. We didn't even get to eat dinner. We were going to have tortoise soup.

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