Old Folks At Home

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Vol 36 Issue 26

In My Day, Ballplayers Were For Shit

It seems everywhere I go these days, some young fella's jibber-jabbering about how great some ballplayer of today is. It's always Mark McGwire this or Sammy Sosa that. Well, of course they're the best. These modern big leaguers, with their blinding speed, cannon arms, and towering home runs–they've got it all. Back in my day, ballplayers were for shit!

Texas Sheriff Cracks Down On Chicken-On-Chicken Violence

AMARILLO, TX–Determined to break the deadly cycle of chicken-on-chicken violence, Amarillo Sheriff James Braddock is targeting cockfighting activity in the area. "It's always tragic when any chicken is injured or killed," said Braddock after a massive, 45-chicken bust. "But it's doubly tragic when these put-upon creatures turn against their own kind." Braddock said that while law-enforcement officials are making strides, they can only do so much. "Educating these chickens while they're still young is key," he said.

Area Father Takes One More Look At Liner Notes Of Daughter's Britney Spears Album

JEFFERSON CITY, MO–Marv Reynolds, 42, father of 11-year-old Ashley, slipped into his daughter's bedroom for one more look at the liner notes to her Britney Spears album Monday. "Just like to see what my daughter's into these days," said Reynolds, perusing the photo-packed booklet accompanying Spears' Oops!...I Did It Again for the fourth time in as many days. "I bet she'll put this on the moment she gets home from soccer practice in 20 minutes." Upon hearing a car pull into the driveway, Reynolds, who has previously browsed the liner notes to his daughter's Mandy Moore and Christina Aguilera CDs, put the Spears disc back exactly where he found it and left the room.

Clinton To Get Teeth Cleaning, Glasses Before Coverage Runs Out

WASHINGTON, DC–With less than six months remaining in his second term, President Clinton made appointments Monday for dental and optometry check-ups that are covered by his Physicians Plus presidential health plan. "My teeth are fine, but I figured I should take advantage and get a cleaning before I get dropped next January," Clinton said. "And if I get new glasses before then, Physicians Plus will cover the lenses and 60 percent of the cost of frames, so I'd be crazy not to." Clinton said he was worried he was already too late to get in for an eye exam before leaving office, but Dr. Heitman, his designated optometrist, had an opening on Dec. 17 at 8:15 a.m.

15 Years Of Kathie Lee

Last Friday, after 15 years, Kathie Lee Gifford did her final Live! With Regis & Kathie Lee. What have been some of the show's highlights over the years?

The Concorde Crash

On July 25, an Air France Concorde crashed during takeoff near Paris, killing 113 people, including 96 Germans. What do you think of this first-ever crash of the supersonic jet?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Old Folks At Home

Long life is the ardent desire of many. Indeed, some of you may achieve it, as I have. But once you find your-self out-living your pet Galapagos tortoise, you may do well to question your luck.

Yes, Cap'n Clyde is deceased. Standish found him belly-up in the billiards room a couple of mornings ago. I can't conceive of life with-out the bumpy old codger. Since I first acquired him as a tortoise-ling nigh unto 100 years ago, he was my beloved friend and companion. I would take him to the park for extremely long walks, some-times lasting days. All my children, from U. Fairfax to M. Prescott, rode atop his sturdy shell. Unlike my faith-less hound dogs, who were inclined to die off within a decade, Cap'n Clyde proved his fealty to his master year after year after year. Whether eating lettuce, retreating into his shell for days on end, or training his dull gaze on his water-dish, he provided a stead-fast constant in a turbulent world. Fare-well, you dear old shelled bastard!

Once my life became bereft of the only other living creature who approached my age, I felt alone, indeed. I parlayed this sentiment to Doc McGillicuddy, who decided to surprise me by shanghaiing four centenarians from a nearby resting-home for the infirm, and delivering them to my estate. Sadly, two of them, a 103- and 108-year-old, were DOA. Apparently, the journey was too much for them.

The other two, a 105-year-old lady and a 112-year-old Negro, were wheeled into my bed-chamber. I warmly greeted them and asked if they preferred cream or sugar in their coffee. The 105-year-old lady responded by passing away.

That left me with the 112-year-old Negro, who was a nice enough fellow, but I quickly realized we had little in common. He told me that he was the son of Alabama slaves and had spent much of his life as an impoverished share-cropper who none-the-less managed to put his three sons through college, and that he thanked God every day for his great fortune. I told him that I was a 132-year-old news-paper publisher who had inherited the business from my father, and that I had known obscene luxury all my life. There was an awkward silence. I asked him if he remembered the Excelsior 14-model butter-churn, and he said no. Then he died.

Well, that proved a total wash-out. I should just face the fact that other centenarians would prefer to die than spend time with me. We didn't even get to eat dinner. We were going to have tortoise soup.

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