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Once Again, Oscar Is King Of The Rings!

I've got a lot on my plate this week, loyal Harveyheads. There's been an avalanche of events in the world of entertainment, so grab those boots! We're going snowboarding—in Hollywood!

(As you may have noticed, I've added an intro to my column. It just seemed so impersonal to start it cold—pun definitely intended—so I livened it up with a little pizzazz to grease the skids. That's something you can look forward to from now on!)

Item! The 75th Annual Academy Awards wrapped up, so here's Jackie Harvey's Annual Oscar Recap! First, the ceremony was on the 29th of February, which only happens once every four years. Lord Of The Kings: The Return Of The Rings was the lord of the Oscars, winning at least eight awards! (Sorry, folks—this Oscar fan fell asleep during hour three and lost count!) It was good to see former Eurythmic and Lennox air-conditioner heir Lennox Lewis get some recognition for singing and playing the part of the elf-princess Arwyn.

And who can forget the acting winners? Shawn "Spicoli" Penn won for Mystic Pizza. And the always-glamorous Charlize Sharon won for Monster, a movie that I haven't seen, but I'm sure it's another great showcase for Charlize's stunning beauty!

Clint Eastwood brought his mother to the ceremonies, which was a classy move—I bet it "made her day!" Speaking of classy, the gowns were gorgeous, but the magic was almost ruined by that woman in the brown dress. Apparently, she wrote and directed a movie about Japan, but I've never heard of it. Personally, if I were invited to the Oscars, I'd wear something more fetching, like that number Uma Thurman was wearing, only in peach.

Was it just me, or was this was the most tasteful Oscars I can remember? No horrible costumes, no unpatriotic outbursts, and no long-winded speeches. There wasn't a dry eye in the house for the tribute to Bob Hope, whose nose and zingers entertained Oscar watchers 17 times! And Billy Crystal should change his name to Billy Diamond after his sparkling return to the podium. Let's "Hope" he can come back again and make it to lucky number 17, as well. But honestly? I feel like I may never watch the Oscars again. After this slam-bang production, the next is sure to be a huge letdown.

Spring is on the way. I'm already bringing up my boxes so I can retire my winter clothes. I still have to lose 10 pounds in time for shorts season!

Item! I'm not a huge sports fan, so I just heard what happened at the Super Bowl. During the halftime show, Jason Timberland ripped off part of Janet Jackson's outfit and revealed her—pardon my French—bosom. Did we really need to see Jacko's Racko? I like pretty women as much as the next guy, but I like to leave a little to the imagination. Shame on you, Janet. You've brought sports and entertainment to a new low. And that ring thing you had on your nickel was just trashy.

As for that other Jackson, let's not go there, all right? I'm sick of people dragging his name through the dirt.

Who to watch: 2004 will be the year for David Paymer. Mark my words, we're going to see some big things from him.

Item! Not since someone took a picture of a crucifix in a jar of pee has Jesus been this hot! The Passion Of Jesus Christ Superstar is the reigning king of the box office for 2004. Some people are a little put off by the way the movie treats Jews. Some people are a little put off by the way the movie treats Jesus. Me, I was put off to find out that Mel didn't play Jesus himself. But he is in the movie, playing troubled Roman leader Pontius Pilot. I won't tell you how the story ends, so you can judge the movie for yourself.

Did you catch the last episode of Sex In The City? No one I know has HBO, but I heard that Carrie Jessica Parker reunited with Mr. Big. Now that the show is over, everyone's already hankering for more. Thank goodness they're planning a spinoff with everyone's favorite lovable oaf, Joey!

Item! My sources tell me the dour domestic doyenne, queen of quilting and (qu)rafts, Martha Stewart is going to the big house, and I don't mean the one on the beach. I don't think it's fair. She may be an ambitious, frosty, uncompromising tyrant, but she was unequaled when it came to putting things in order. In the United States, we are guaranteed a trial by a jury of our peers. I find it unlikely that there were 12 people on Mrs. Stewart's jury who could whip up a seven-course meal and a decorative centerpiece unique to the event in an afternoon.

What? Can this be it for another Outside Scoop? What more do you want? I think this installment has had it all: important awards shows, crime, nudity, and a healthy dose of movie magic. You want more, you say? Well, how's this? In the next installment, I'll have a little something about some Hollywood hookups and a review of the hottest TV DVDs, including Mr. Ed and Starsky's Hutch. Until then, light two candles: one for our men and women overseas and one for me as I take my seat... on the outside!

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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