Once Again, Oscar Is King Of The Rings!

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Vol 40 Issue 11

Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign

WASHINGTON, DC—At a campaign dinner Monday, President Bush identified incumbency as the key issue in the upcoming presidential election. "Look at my opponent's record on incumbency," Bush said. "John Kerry is not the president at this time. That's an indisputable matter of public record." Bush added that the American public should seriously consider whether it wants to risk electing a president who has no experience heading a nation, has never resided in the White House, and does not have even one State Of The Union address under his belt.

Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion

ST. LOUIS—Local architect Steve Burillo felt a momentary flush of seasonally incongruous holiday spirit Tuesday when he saw a Christmas-themed billboard on South Broadway. "The sign was advertising the St. Louis Ballet's performance of The Nutcracker, and for a second, I felt a stirring desire to volunteer for a charity and spread goodwill amongst my fellow men," Burillo said warmly. "But then I was like, 'Screw it. It's March. I should get to the gym and get in shape for summer.'" Burillo added that they really ought to take the billboard down before someone goes out and spends quality time with loved ones.

Confusing Insult Awkwardly Clarified

BOZEMAN, MT—Prudential Insurance administrative assistant Becky DuBois, 24, was forced to explain herself Tuesday morning after an off-hand insult was not understood by coworker Kimberly Spellman. "Oh, I just meant, 'This is what a bill looks like,' as in... Well, you said that your parents still pay your credit-card bill for you," DuBois told Spellman. "So, I just sorta meant... you know, that you don't know what bills look like." DuBois then said she didn't mean it as an insult, because she knows that Spellman said she hates it that her parents do that, and that she's totally sorry if Spellman took it that way.

Sheets Changed After Every Breakup

ITHACA, NY—Michael Pelske changes his bed sheets after every breakup, the 24-year-old bicycle messenger announced Monday. "I'd never bring some woman I just met home to a set of filthy sheets," said Pelske, who changed his sheets Saturday before hitting the bars following his break-up with Linda Keely, his girlfriend of four months. "But then, a few weeks into the relationship, you start to let things like that slide." Pelske's cotton-twill, 180-thread-count, light-blue sheets have been washed 13 times since his mother bought them for him in May 2001.

Return Of Dawn Of The Dead

A remake of the 70's horror film Dawn Of The Dead hits theaters this weekend. What changes were made in the new version?

Your Dog Is In Heaven Now, With No One To Feed Him

Come over here and sit on Mommy's lap. I've got some bad news, Tommy. Are you ready? Tommy, while you were at school today, Sparky got out of the backyard and ran in front of a truck. I rushed him to the vet, but there was nothing she could do.
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Once Again, Oscar Is King Of The Rings!

I've got a lot on my plate this week, loyal Harveyheads. There's been an avalanche of events in the world of entertainment, so grab those boots! We're going snowboarding—in Hollywood!

(As you may have noticed, I've added an intro to my column. It just seemed so impersonal to start it cold—pun definitely intended—so I livened it up with a little pizzazz to grease the skids. That's something you can look forward to from now on!)

Item! The 75th Annual Academy Awards wrapped up, so here's Jackie Harvey's Annual Oscar Recap! First, the ceremony was on the 29th of February, which only happens once every four years. Lord Of The Kings: The Return Of The Rings was the lord of the Oscars, winning at least eight awards! (Sorry, folks—this Oscar fan fell asleep during hour three and lost count!) It was good to see former Eurythmic and Lennox air-conditioner heir Lennox Lewis get some recognition for singing and playing the part of the elf-princess Arwyn.

And who can forget the acting winners? Shawn "Spicoli" Penn won for Mystic Pizza. And the always-glamorous Charlize Sharon won for Monster, a movie that I haven't seen, but I'm sure it's another great showcase for Charlize's stunning beauty!

Clint Eastwood brought his mother to the ceremonies, which was a classy move—I bet it "made her day!" Speaking of classy, the gowns were gorgeous, but the magic was almost ruined by that woman in the brown dress. Apparently, she wrote and directed a movie about Japan, but I've never heard of it. Personally, if I were invited to the Oscars, I'd wear something more fetching, like that number Uma Thurman was wearing, only in peach.

Was it just me, or was this was the most tasteful Oscars I can remember? No horrible costumes, no unpatriotic outbursts, and no long-winded speeches. There wasn't a dry eye in the house for the tribute to Bob Hope, whose nose and zingers entertained Oscar watchers 17 times! And Billy Crystal should change his name to Billy Diamond after his sparkling return to the podium. Let's "Hope" he can come back again and make it to lucky number 17, as well. But honestly? I feel like I may never watch the Oscars again. After this slam-bang production, the next is sure to be a huge letdown.

Spring is on the way. I'm already bringing up my boxes so I can retire my winter clothes. I still have to lose 10 pounds in time for shorts season!

Item! I'm not a huge sports fan, so I just heard what happened at the Super Bowl. During the halftime show, Jason Timberland ripped off part of Janet Jackson's outfit and revealed her—pardon my French—bosom. Did we really need to see Jacko's Racko? I like pretty women as much as the next guy, but I like to leave a little to the imagination. Shame on you, Janet. You've brought sports and entertainment to a new low. And that ring thing you had on your nickel was just trashy.

As for that other Jackson, let's not go there, all right? I'm sick of people dragging his name through the dirt.

Who to watch: 2004 will be the year for David Paymer. Mark my words, we're going to see some big things from him.

Item! Not since someone took a picture of a crucifix in a jar of pee has Jesus been this hot! The Passion Of Jesus Christ Superstar is the reigning king of the box office for 2004. Some people are a little put off by the way the movie treats Jews. Some people are a little put off by the way the movie treats Jesus. Me, I was put off to find out that Mel didn't play Jesus himself. But he is in the movie, playing troubled Roman leader Pontius Pilot. I won't tell you how the story ends, so you can judge the movie for yourself.

Did you catch the last episode of Sex In The City? No one I know has HBO, but I heard that Carrie Jessica Parker reunited with Mr. Big. Now that the show is over, everyone's already hankering for more. Thank goodness they're planning a spinoff with everyone's favorite lovable oaf, Joey!

Item! My sources tell me the dour domestic doyenne, queen of quilting and (qu)rafts, Martha Stewart is going to the big house, and I don't mean the one on the beach. I don't think it's fair. She may be an ambitious, frosty, uncompromising tyrant, but she was unequaled when it came to putting things in order. In the United States, we are guaranteed a trial by a jury of our peers. I find it unlikely that there were 12 people on Mrs. Stewart's jury who could whip up a seven-course meal and a decorative centerpiece unique to the event in an afternoon.

What? Can this be it for another Outside Scoop? What more do you want? I think this installment has had it all: important awards shows, crime, nudity, and a healthy dose of movie magic. You want more, you say? Well, how's this? In the next installment, I'll have a little something about some Hollywood hookups and a review of the hottest TV DVDs, including Mr. Ed and Starsky's Hutch. Until then, light two candles: one for our men and women overseas and one for me as I take my seat... on the outside!

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