One Look At My Music Collection Will Show You How Much I Respect Women

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Vol 39 Issue 01

Asshole Even Shoots Pool Like An Asshole

MONTROSE, CA—According to acquaintances, area asshole Kris Stenstrup, 31, even shoots pool like an asshole. "He's not even good, but he still acts all macho and cool, like he's Minnesota Fats or something," roommate Lisa Darmont said Monday. "Like, whenever he sinks a shot, he blows on his pool cue and then puts it back in its invisible holster. Oh, and he loves to play 'mind games' with his 'prey,' hovering over them and whispering 'Don't be nervous' before they shoot." Darmont added that Stenstrup is also fond of singing Warren Zevon's "Werewolves Of London," from the 1986 billiards-themed film The Color Of Money, while cockily circling the table.

Humane Society Worker Secretly Glad To See Nippy Dachshund Put Down

MARYSVILLE, OH—Union County Humane Society volunteer Catherine Moncrief, 23, admitted Monday that a small part of her was glad to see Oscar, a nippy, hyperactive dachshund, put to sleep. "I feel really guilty, but when they euthanized him, I was kind of like, 'Ha, ha—serves you right, you obnoxious little shit,'" Moncrief said. "I went through a whole bottle of hydrogen peroxide in two weeks from feeding and washing him." Moncrief then privately mused that the incessantly whimpering cocker in Cage 12 could go next for all she cares.

The Raelians

The Raelians, an international UFO sect, claims it has cloned a human baby. What is known about the group and its members?

Joinin' Tha Notary Club

Ay, yo, Governor Ten Eyck, big ups to you an' yo' posse representin' to tha fullest down at tha Capitol. This be Herbert Kornfeld, a.k.a. H-Dog, a.k.a. Daddy H, a.k.a. Tha H-Luvva, tha man who professionally be known as tha Supabad Hardcore Enforca o' tha Accountz Reeceevable department of Midstate Office Supply, tha largest an' dopest retaila an' distributa' of office supplies in tha whole muthafuckin' state.

Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan

President Bush's smallpox-vaccination plan has sparked controversy, as the vaccine carries a small risk of severe and even deadly side effects. What do you think?

30th Anniversary Of 1973 Commemorated

WASHINGTON, DC—Across the U.S., ceremonies have already begun to commemorate the 30th anniversary of 1973. "No one who lived through 1973 can ever forget it," said singer Tony Orlando, unveiling a plaque Monday on the National Mall reading "1973: 1973-2003." "From Richard Nixon's second inauguration to Billie Jean King's defeat of Bobby Riggs, 1973 was a special year that will be celebrated all year long." The U.S. Postal Service announced plans Tuesday to observe the milestone with a paisley stamp trumpeting "30 Years Of 1973."
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One Look At My Music Collection Will Show You How Much I Respect Women

There are a lot of men out there who are hostile to women. And, to be perfectly honest, it shows in their CD collections. Not me, though. One look at my collection will show you how much I respect women.

Go ahead and browse my CD shelves. My musical tastes are diverse, covering everything from Dar Williams to Norah Jones, Sarah McLachlan to Alicia Keys, but these artists all have one thing in common: They all clearly communicate my sensitivity to the issues facing women today.

Some men are threatened by powerful women. They prefer them weak and subservient. Me, I'm the exact opposite. I mean, if I were threatened by women, would I own two albums by k.d. lang, a woman and a lesbian, no less? Any woman who browsed my CD collection and saw my copies of lang's Ingenue and All You Can Eat would immediately recognize that I'm a great catch, a guy who's secure enough in his own sexuality to honor and celebrate femininity in all its forms.

Perhaps the strongest case for my respect for women is made by my Tori Amos CDs. I have them all, even her poorly received covers album Strange Little Girls and Y Kant Tori Read, the metal album she made in 1989. How could you not feel respect for Tori Amos—and, by extension, all women—after listening to the emotional rawness of "Me And A Gun"? Every time I put on Little Earthquakes, I get chills. Plus, Tori is so sexy on the cover. (In a feminine, earth-mother sort of way, of course.)

Do you still need more proof of what an evolved male I am? Look no further than my abundance of Ani DiFranco recordings. I see Ms. DiFranco as the ultimate example of female independence and self-reliance. She turned down offers from major labels to preserve her independence and control her image. She launched her Righteous Babe label, first to put out her own music, then to put out records from other women artists like Sara Lee. She even lets people tape her shows and exchange the recordings, which is "righteous," indeed.

You know who's incredibly strong? Eve. To be a proud, independent woman in the sexist, male-dominated world of rap, well, that's pretty impressive in my book.

Lest you think I've forgotten the women who blazed the trails for the Joan Osbornes and Sheryl Crows of today, I have a broad selection of music by older female artists. Let's see, I've got Joni Mitchell, Bonnie Raitt, and, of course, Fleetwood Mac. Okay, so there were also men in Fleetwood Mac, but the band was defined by the incomparable Stevie Nicks, a woman who was a huge influence on many of today's brave female artists. I also love Billie Holiday, whose beauty and genius, sadly, is lost on the typical asshole frat guy you see on college campuses today. Like Brad Reidel. Why a girl like Jen Mosbacher is giving that Neanderthal the time of day, I'll never know.

To be fair, I should clarify something. I don't love all female artists. I used to own an album by Sleater-Kinney, but I got rid of it. It seemed like they were trying to be like men, and that just turned me off. The Donnas also act all tough like guys, but they're just doing it as a put-on, so that's okay. It's really funny. Sexy, too.

Right now, I'm saving up money for an iPod so I can carry all my women's music with me everywhere I go. That way, if I'm ever in a coffee shop and happen to see a blonde-haired psychology major who's listening to, say, Lauryn Hill on her Discman, I can show her that I like Lauryn Hill, too. You see, unlike men, women value making connections with other people, and what better way to do so than through music?

Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I haven't really made as many connections as I'd have liked. If I could just get a woman to see my CD collection, I know she'd realize that I'm not like the other guys. I can really understand the female experience.

In the meantime, I guess all I can do is go for a jog with my India.Arie CD in my Discman and hope to run into someone who wants to know what I'm listening to. Hopefully someone hot.

God, I'm lonely.

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