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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down For Your Awesome Subculture

What's hanging, teenage homies? I'm Ralph Lucci—Radical Ralph—coming to rap at you on your terms and on your turf about the things you care about most. Stuff like baggy pants, snacks, and hard-rocking carbonated beverages. As you keep livin' your vidas loca, I want you to know that the multinational PepsiCo conglomeration, which includes dozens of dope fast-food chains, beverage brands, and packaged non-perishable snacks—and for which I'm a proud representative—is totally down with your way-out-there niche community.

You might think just because you freestyle rap with your MP3s, the PepsiCo family of products has no relevance in your life. That could not be farther from the truth. In fact, the crazy, unique, cutting-edge stuff you're into now? The entire management team here in the North American headquarters was totally into that sh*t a couple months ago! No lie, dawgs. What's really hot is that we even have some wreckin'-sick snack foods that are totally chill with your take-no-prisoners, no-holds-barred, 13-to-17-year-old lifestyle.

Take our Doritos-brand Nacho Cheesier chips, for example. They are ghetto fabulous.

Word: If you have never tasted a Nacho Cheesier chip, do not ever taste a Nacho Cheesier chip, as you will not be able to understand a Nacho Cheesier chip. That's just how it is with food products that are so authentic, hardcore, and fricking intenso that they redefine your entire life.

Also, our off-the-Richter-scale Mountain Dew AMP line of energy-drink beverages is truly off the hook. There's nothing conservative about a skandalouz beverage named AMP, obviously. And we do not heavily promote it, so it's totally underground, just like you and your hood-rat posse.

Sometimes it feels like nobody understands your rebellious, genre-defying crew of goth-rocker pals—am I right? You see, as a senior-level executive at one of the world's largest conglomerates of food-service brands, I know exactly where you're coming from.

One phunky-fresh freakster to another: After a long day of hanging ten while surf-blogging and buggin' on wack 'rents problems, what's better than a game-tight fluid refresher like Gatorade Frost?

Of course, for alternative, anti-mainstream dudes like yourselves, you might need something a little bit more punkin'. And trust me, we have got just the thing: Oberto meat snacks. Players, let me assure you, these processed-and-cured jerky competitors are stiz-upendous. Take it from me, a guy who understands the elaborate clothing styles, secret handshakes, and hep vernacular that define your wiggedy-wiggedy wack-daddy scene.

Although I do highly recommend the ill snacks and beverages I've already mentioned—Doritos tortilla chips, Mountain Dew AMP, and Oberto meat snacks—this is about more than just existing product lizzles. It's about jiving around together with your buddies, playing amplified homemade instruments on the street corner, getting crazy haircuts—or better yet, dyeing your hair green!—all while helping us brainstorm some balls-out, edgy new snack foods and beverages that will appeal directly to people like you, with whom we are, of course, down.

So bust out of your grooved-out hip-hop cypher for a couple hours and come on down to the Frito-Lay building on West Essex Road this Saturday—if you are radical enough of a hipster cat, that is—and try out some of the new pimped-out food items and drink products we are developing.

Teens in the Squares demographic need not apply!

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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