Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down For Your Awesome Subculture

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down For Your Awesome Subculture

What's hanging, teenage homies? I'm Ralph Lucci—Radical Ralph—coming to rap at you on your terms and on your turf about the things you care about most. Stuff like baggy pants, snacks, and hard-rocking carbonated beverages. As you keep livin' your vidas loca, I want you to know that the multinational PepsiCo conglomeration, which includes dozens of dope fast-food chains, beverage brands, and packaged non-perishable snacks—and for which I'm a proud representative—is totally down with your way-out-there niche community.

You might think just because you freestyle rap with your MP3s, the PepsiCo family of products has no relevance in your life. That could not be farther from the truth. In fact, the crazy, unique, cutting-edge stuff you're into now? The entire management team here in the North American headquarters was totally into that sh*t a couple months ago! No lie, dawgs. What's really hot is that we even have some wreckin'-sick snack foods that are totally chill with your take-no-prisoners, no-holds-barred, 13-to-17-year-old lifestyle.

Take our Doritos-brand Nacho Cheesier chips, for example. They are ghetto fabulous.

Word: If you have never tasted a Nacho Cheesier chip, do not ever taste a Nacho Cheesier chip, as you will not be able to understand a Nacho Cheesier chip. That's just how it is with food products that are so authentic, hardcore, and fricking intenso that they redefine your entire life.

Also, our off-the-Richter-scale Mountain Dew AMP line of energy-drink beverages is truly off the hook. There's nothing conservative about a skandalouz beverage named AMP, obviously. And we do not heavily promote it, so it's totally underground, just like you and your hood-rat posse.

Sometimes it feels like nobody understands your rebellious, genre-defying crew of goth-rocker pals—am I right? You see, as a senior-level executive at one of the world's largest conglomerates of food-service brands, I know exactly where you're coming from.

One phunky-fresh freakster to another: After a long day of hanging ten while surf-blogging and buggin' on wack 'rents problems, what's better than a game-tight fluid refresher like Gatorade Frost?

Of course, for alternative, anti-mainstream dudes like yourselves, you might need something a little bit more punkin'. And trust me, we have got just the thing: Oberto meat snacks. Players, let me assure you, these processed-and-cured jerky competitors are stiz-upendous. Take it from me, a guy who understands the elaborate clothing styles, secret handshakes, and hep vernacular that define your wiggedy-wiggedy wack-daddy scene.

Although I do highly recommend the ill snacks and beverages I've already mentioned—Doritos tortilla chips, Mountain Dew AMP, and Oberto meat snacks—this is about more than just existing product lizzles. It's about jiving around together with your buddies, playing amplified homemade instruments on the street corner, getting crazy haircuts—or better yet, dyeing your hair green!—all while helping us brainstorm some balls-out, edgy new snack foods and beverages that will appeal directly to people like you, with whom we are, of course, down.

So bust out of your grooved-out hip-hop cypher for a couple hours and come on down to the Frito-Lay building on West Essex Road this Saturday—if you are radical enough of a hipster cat, that is—and try out some of the new pimped-out food items and drink products we are developing.

Teens in the Squares demographic need not apply!

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