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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Owning A Cat Is A Great Way To Meet Women Who Magically Appear In Your Living Room

Meeting women used to be a real challenge for me. I’m not the most outgoing guy, and chatting up a perfect stranger has never exactly been my strong suit. But that’s all changed now. You see, I’ve always loved cats for their easy companionship, but I wish I had gotten one sooner, because they come with a fantastic added benefit: They’re the best way to get to know women who magically appear in your living room.

It used to be that when an attractive woman materialized in my apartment, I’d clam up completely. I couldn’t just start talking to her out of the blue, and what would I even say if I did? Well, my cat, Oreo, changed all that. These days, when a woman steps out of nothingness into my living room, I don’t have to lift a finger. She’ll come to me—and my four-legged wingman.

It’s almost too easy.

I’m telling you, guys, cats are instant conversation starters. Now when a woman who didn’t exist a second earlier is suddenly lying on my couch, I can just wait for her to ask me what my cat’s name is and if it’d be okay if she pet it. Finding that “in” was always my biggest hurdle. Not anymore. Seriously, a cat’s like a magnet for every hottie that spontaneously manifests herself in your home.

There was this one absolutely gorgeous woman whom I’d see under my bed from time to time. But I knew that anything I’d say to her out of the blue would sound awkward, creepy, or just plain dumb. Well, two days after I got Oreo, I saw her again, flat against the floor under my box spring. She crawled right out and said, “Awww, who’s this guy?” Then we were talking and smiling, and after a while we just sort of had to introduce ourselves.

Boom! Ice broken.

And your cat can work its magic pretty much anywhere—living room, kitchen, bedroom, even a hallway. I don’t brush my teeth or wash the dishes without making sure Oreo’s nearby. I never know if the love of my life is going to be standing right there in the shower or leaning on the counter by the sink, but I’m ready no matter what. I mean, I might bump into several women just while walking to get a shirt out of the closet, and if my cat’s mojo is really working, I might have three or four phone numbers in my pocket before I even head out my front door in the morning.

You only get so many chances to find your soulmate. One day, that girl you always see standing next to your floor lamp might not be there. The beautiful brunette who always seems to be sitting on your nightstand will have moved on, and you’ll wonder if she’s now with some other guy who did what it took to meet her. Well, don’t miss out. Get to the animal shelter and adopt yourself a furry little friend today.

Then just sit at home and wait.

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