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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Owning A Cat Is A Great Way To Meet Women Who Magically Appear In Your Living Room

Meeting women used to be a real challenge for me. I’m not the most outgoing guy, and chatting up a perfect stranger has never exactly been my strong suit. But that’s all changed now. You see, I’ve always loved cats for their easy companionship, but I wish I had gotten one sooner, because they come with a fantastic added benefit: They’re the best way to get to know women who magically appear in your living room.

It used to be that when an attractive woman materialized in my apartment, I’d clam up completely. I couldn’t just start talking to her out of the blue, and what would I even say if I did? Well, my cat, Oreo, changed all that. These days, when a woman steps out of nothingness into my living room, I don’t have to lift a finger. She’ll come to me—and my four-legged wingman.

It’s almost too easy.

I’m telling you, guys, cats are instant conversation starters. Now when a woman who didn’t exist a second earlier is suddenly lying on my couch, I can just wait for her to ask me what my cat’s name is and if it’d be okay if she pet it. Finding that “in” was always my biggest hurdle. Not anymore. Seriously, a cat’s like a magnet for every hottie that spontaneously manifests herself in your home.

There was this one absolutely gorgeous woman whom I’d see under my bed from time to time. But I knew that anything I’d say to her out of the blue would sound awkward, creepy, or just plain dumb. Well, two days after I got Oreo, I saw her again, flat against the floor under my box spring. She crawled right out and said, “Awww, who’s this guy?” Then we were talking and smiling, and after a while we just sort of had to introduce ourselves.

Boom! Ice broken.

And your cat can work its magic pretty much anywhere—living room, kitchen, bedroom, even a hallway. I don’t brush my teeth or wash the dishes without making sure Oreo’s nearby. I never know if the love of my life is going to be standing right there in the shower or leaning on the counter by the sink, but I’m ready no matter what. I mean, I might bump into several women just while walking to get a shirt out of the closet, and if my cat’s mojo is really working, I might have three or four phone numbers in my pocket before I even head out my front door in the morning.

You only get so many chances to find your soulmate. One day, that girl you always see standing next to your floor lamp might not be there. The beautiful brunette who always seems to be sitting on your nightstand will have moved on, and you’ll wonder if she’s now with some other guy who did what it took to meet her. Well, don’t miss out. Get to the animal shelter and adopt yourself a furry little friend today.

Then just sit at home and wait.

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