adBlockCheck

Owning A Cat Is A Great Way To Meet Women Who Magically Appear In Your Living Room

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Owning A Cat Is A Great Way To Meet Women Who Magically Appear In Your Living Room

Meeting women used to be a real challenge for me. I’m not the most outgoing guy, and chatting up a perfect stranger has never exactly been my strong suit. But that’s all changed now. You see, I’ve always loved cats for their easy companionship, but I wish I had gotten one sooner, because they come with a fantastic added benefit: They’re the best way to get to know women who magically appear in your living room.

It used to be that when an attractive woman materialized in my apartment, I’d clam up completely. I couldn’t just start talking to her out of the blue, and what would I even say if I did? Well, my cat, Oreo, changed all that. These days, when a woman steps out of nothingness into my living room, I don’t have to lift a finger. She’ll come to me—and my four-legged wingman.

It’s almost too easy.

I’m telling you, guys, cats are instant conversation starters. Now when a woman who didn’t exist a second earlier is suddenly lying on my couch, I can just wait for her to ask me what my cat’s name is and if it’d be okay if she pet it. Finding that “in” was always my biggest hurdle. Not anymore. Seriously, a cat’s like a magnet for every hottie that spontaneously manifests herself in your home.

There was this one absolutely gorgeous woman whom I’d see under my bed from time to time. But I knew that anything I’d say to her out of the blue would sound awkward, creepy, or just plain dumb. Well, two days after I got Oreo, I saw her again, flat against the floor under my box spring. She crawled right out and said, “Awww, who’s this guy?” Then we were talking and smiling, and after a while we just sort of had to introduce ourselves.

Boom! Ice broken.

And your cat can work its magic pretty much anywhere—living room, kitchen, bedroom, even a hallway. I don’t brush my teeth or wash the dishes without making sure Oreo’s nearby. I never know if the love of my life is going to be standing right there in the shower or leaning on the counter by the sink, but I’m ready no matter what. I mean, I might bump into several women just while walking to get a shirt out of the closet, and if my cat’s mojo is really working, I might have three or four phone numbers in my pocket before I even head out my front door in the morning.

You only get so many chances to find your soulmate. One day, that girl you always see standing next to your floor lamp might not be there. The beautiful brunette who always seems to be sitting on your nightstand will have moved on, and you’ll wonder if she’s now with some other guy who did what it took to meet her. Well, don’t miss out. Get to the animal shelter and adopt yourself a furry little friend today.

Then just sit at home and wait.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close