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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Pamela Sue Is Going Au Natural!

Item! Pamela Sue Anderson Lee is all over the news again! Devoted Harveyheads may recall that about six months ago, I reported that the former Baywatch Babe had help of a surgical variety in a certain chest area. Well, I have it on good authority that she recently underwent surgery again, this time to get rid of those "helpers." I, for one, have to say that she is a gorgeous gal with or without any chestal assistance, and I applaud her decision to go au natural. Kudos, Pam!

That wry smile, that mischievous grin... It could only be Bob Hoskins.

Item! Call it The Curse Of The Blue Lagoon, call it Double D-I-V-O-R-C-E Trouble, call it anything you want, just know that it means one thing for two gorgeous gals: Splitsville! Brooke Shields and Mila Jovavivich, stars of the two Blue Lagoon movies, have announced that they are separating from their respective squeezes, tennis player Andre Aggasi and frou frou French director Luc Goddard. While I am always sorry to see the institution of marriage cast aside so easily, I must admit that I'm glad to see these two beauties back in the dating pond. Hey, ladies, if you need a shoulder to cry on, look me up!

On a sadder note, the nation mourns the loss of beloved Cuban ventriloquist Señor Wences. Known as the husband of Lucille Ball and the co-star of The Ed Sullivan Show, Señor Wences won the heart of America using nothing but his hand and an old shoe box. He brought laughs to the lips of millions, and he will be sorely missed. "S'all right?" No, Señor Wences, s'not all right.

Looking for a good way to pass the time? How about a brisk walk?

In the not-just-a-pretty-face department, Keaneau Reeves is sweeping up at the box office in the virtual-reality thriller Lawnmower Man III: Return To The Matrix. Along with co-star Lawrence "Of Arabia" Fishburne, Reeves cleans up the cyber-world by riding cyber-cycles and dodging the grid bugs. I haven't seen it yet, but everyone who has tells me it's pure Hollywood magic!

Mystery, Alaska Countdown: Just 27 days til the big opening!

Speaking of waiting, I can't wait for The Antiques Road Show to make its way to my town. I've been a fan of the PBS program for about a year now, and I've got an old Joseph Cotten press photo that I'm just dying to get appraised. Even if it's only worth a dollar, it will still be priceless to me.

It used to be that a candy bar cost only a dime. Then it was a quarter. Now, it's 50 cents. Guess you can't go home again.

Item! According to one of my most trusted Tinseltown informers, Marilu Henner is going house hunting! Apparently, her current house (a rental) doesn't allow dogs, so she's looking for a place where she can keep whatever pets she likes. But that's not all. Apparently, the Evening Shade star is eyeballing a place to put her nitrogen tanks so that when she dies, they can freeze her head for revival in the future. Actors... They're crazy, but you have to love the dream-factory magic they weave!

After months of waiting, At First Sight is finally available on DVD! Run, don't walk, to your local video store and buy it right now!

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Just a few short years ago, Mel Gibson was People's "Sexiest Man Alive." But now, he's not even good-looking enough to make the magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People In The World 1999" list. No longer hunky enough to crack the top 50? What competition! Looks like Hollywood just keeps getting sexier and sexier!

Item! Hollywood bad boy Sean Penn is infamous for his carousing and wild ways. But did you know that he also has a tender side? Word is that Penn, 28, has a soft spot for abandoned children, often going to orphanages and doing impromptu magic and puppet shows. I have it on good authority that this is because, at the age of two, Penn himself was rescued after being raised by a pack of feral dogs in the wilds of South Dakota. He was taken in by a kind-hearted human family, and he just wants to give back the kindness that he himself received. God bless you, Mr. Penn!

Is there a more talented man alive than Martin Mull?

Well, that's it for this week. Oh, and I'd like everyone to know that the Win A Date With Jackie Harvey contest is still open. I don't think I was clear about the rules last time, so here they are again: Just send in an essay of 100 words or less (but I won't be too picky), in care of this paper. The winner will be judged on originality and R.Q. (Romance Quotient). Neatness doesn't necessarily count, but remember: If I can't read it, I can't judge it. So, until next time, keep your feet on the ground and save an aisle seat for me!

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