Pamela Sue Is Going Au Natural!

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Vol 35 Issue 17

Eleven-Year-Old Used As Human Shield In Dodgeball Game

SPARTANBURG, SC—The U.N. is condemning the actions of Spartanburg fifth-grader Joshua Fife, who on Monday violated the terms of the 1949 Geneva Convention by using classmate Doug Wiersbicki as a human shield during a gym-class dodgeball game. "The terms of civilian protection, as outlined in the Geneva Convention, were clearly violated by Fife's placement of Wiersbicki in the direct line of heavy dodgeball fire," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. "Whether in Kosovo or Mr. Brundage's gym class, the use of innocents as human shields must not be tolerated."

Senior-Center Residents Debate New Anchorwoman's Ethnicity For Fifth Straight Evening

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Ferndale Senior Center residents debated new Channel 27 Action News anchorwoman Sonya Luntz's ethnicity for a fifth straight day Friday, with Edward Bloch, 81, steadfastly holding to his "Mexican" theory and Muriel Simmons, 83, leaning toward Hawaiian or Indian. "If you ask me, she looks Oriental," said Jack McCallum, 79, watching Luntz on the 6 p.m. newscast. "Orientals have that shape to their face—I saw it in the war." Luntz's ethnicity will be put to an official senior-center vote this Thursday.

Nation's Legislators Resume Unfettered Whoring

WASHINGTON, DC—The Clinton-Lewinsky scandal safely behind them, members of Congress are finally clear to resume their unfettered whoring, Beltway sources reported Monday. "Thank goodness this terrible scandal is over at last," said U.S. Rep. Fred Hutchinson (R-PA), accompanied by two women identified as "Bunny" and "Chantal." "With the national spotlight finally off the sexual indiscretions of its elected officials, my fellow legislators and I are once again free to gleefully hump all manner of mistresses, secretaries and hookers with impunity." Hutchinson then had sex with the women.

Universe Ends As God Wakes Up Next To Suzanne Pleshette

CHICAGO—The 15-billion-year-old universe came to a surprise-twist end Tuesday, when God woke up next to actress Suzanne Pleshette. "What a crazy dream I just had," God said to Pleshette at the conclusion of the popular, long-running universe. "I was the Creator of all things, I had this crazy Son who was always getting arrested and wouldn't get a haircut, and My children were always hurting and killing each other in My name." Pleshette reassured God that He had imagined the whole thing and urged the beleaguered, well-intentioned deity to go back to sleep.

Home At Last

For the first time in several months, I woke to find my-self back in my dank, urine-smelling bed-chamber at the Zweibel Estate. How glorious a sight to be-hold! For a second, I almost believed that my horrific experiences were but a terrible night-mare, yet I was almost mad with joy to be reunited with the many possessions I had once so taken for granted. Hello, big stuffed moose head! Hello, chafing-dish! Hello, meerschaum pipe! Hello, blotting paper! Hello, armoire! Hello, cupsidor! Hello, iron-lung! Hello, enema-bulb! Hello, socks!

I Don't Even Remember Writing The Tommyknockers

So, I'm doing this book signing for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon at the Barnes & Noble on Manhattan's Upper West Side last week, and this woman comes up to me, gushing about how The Tommyknockers is her "absolute, all-time favorite book." The name really didn't ring a bell, but I figured I must have written it, seeing as this woman is bothering to tell me how it's her all-time favorite, so I just kind of play along like I know what the heck she's talking about.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Partying

Pamela Sue Is Going Au Natural!

Item! Pamela Sue Anderson Lee is all over the news again! Devoted Harveyheads may recall that about six months ago, I reported that the former Baywatch Babe had help of a surgical variety in a certain chest area. Well, I have it on good authority that she recently underwent surgery again, this time to get rid of those "helpers." I, for one, have to say that she is a gorgeous gal with or without any chestal assistance, and I applaud her decision to go au natural. Kudos, Pam!

That wry smile, that mischievous grin... It could only be Bob Hoskins.

Item! Call it The Curse Of The Blue Lagoon, call it Double D-I-V-O-R-C-E Trouble, call it anything you want, just know that it means one thing for two gorgeous gals: Splitsville! Brooke Shields and Mila Jovavivich, stars of the two Blue Lagoon movies, have announced that they are separating from their respective squeezes, tennis player Andre Aggasi and frou frou French director Luc Goddard. While I am always sorry to see the institution of marriage cast aside so easily, I must admit that I'm glad to see these two beauties back in the dating pond. Hey, ladies, if you need a shoulder to cry on, look me up!

On a sadder note, the nation mourns the loss of beloved Cuban ventriloquist Señor Wences. Known as the husband of Lucille Ball and the co-star of The Ed Sullivan Show, Señor Wences won the heart of America using nothing but his hand and an old shoe box. He brought laughs to the lips of millions, and he will be sorely missed. "S'all right?" No, Señor Wences, s'not all right.

Looking for a good way to pass the time? How about a brisk walk?

In the not-just-a-pretty-face department, Keaneau Reeves is sweeping up at the box office in the virtual-reality thriller Lawnmower Man III: Return To The Matrix. Along with co-star Lawrence "Of Arabia" Fishburne, Reeves cleans up the cyber-world by riding cyber-cycles and dodging the grid bugs. I haven't seen it yet, but everyone who has tells me it's pure Hollywood magic!

Mystery, Alaska Countdown: Just 27 days til the big opening!

Speaking of waiting, I can't wait for The Antiques Road Show to make its way to my town. I've been a fan of the PBS program for about a year now, and I've got an old Joseph Cotten press photo that I'm just dying to get appraised. Even if it's only worth a dollar, it will still be priceless to me.

It used to be that a candy bar cost only a dime. Then it was a quarter. Now, it's 50 cents. Guess you can't go home again.

Item! According to one of my most trusted Tinseltown informers, Marilu Henner is going house hunting! Apparently, her current house (a rental) doesn't allow dogs, so she's looking for a place where she can keep whatever pets she likes. But that's not all. Apparently, the Evening Shade star is eyeballing a place to put her nitrogen tanks so that when she dies, they can freeze her head for revival in the future. Actors... They're crazy, but you have to love the dream-factory magic they weave!

After months of waiting, At First Sight is finally available on DVD! Run, don't walk, to your local video store and buy it right now!

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Just a few short years ago, Mel Gibson was People's "Sexiest Man Alive." But now, he's not even good-looking enough to make the magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People In The World 1999" list. No longer hunky enough to crack the top 50? What competition! Looks like Hollywood just keeps getting sexier and sexier!

Item! Hollywood bad boy Sean Penn is infamous for his carousing and wild ways. But did you know that he also has a tender side? Word is that Penn, 28, has a soft spot for abandoned children, often going to orphanages and doing impromptu magic and puppet shows. I have it on good authority that this is because, at the age of two, Penn himself was rescued after being raised by a pack of feral dogs in the wilds of South Dakota. He was taken in by a kind-hearted human family, and he just wants to give back the kindness that he himself received. God bless you, Mr. Penn!

Is there a more talented man alive than Martin Mull?

Well, that's it for this week. Oh, and I'd like everyone to know that the Win A Date With Jackie Harvey contest is still open. I don't think I was clear about the rules last time, so here they are again: Just send in an essay of 100 words or less (but I won't be too picky), in care of this paper. The winner will be judged on originality and R.Q. (Romance Quotient). Neatness doesn't necessarily count, but remember: If I can't read it, I can't judge it. So, until next time, keep your feet on the ground and save an aisle seat for me!

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