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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Pater Is Haunting Me Again

Aaaagggghhhh! Nurse, nurse, help! Help! The ghost of my late father, Herman Ulysses Zweibel, is haunting me again! Help! Murder! Police!

I can't understand what's been happening lately. In the past week, the phantom of Pater has been routinely materializing in my bed-chamber. What does he want? Why is he here?

Aaaggghhh! There he is again, hovering over my bed in a frightful apparition! Help, nurse, help!

Pater, please, go away and leave me alone! I am a very old man, far older than you were when you passed into the next world, and my frail constitution cannot handle your spectral visits!

Pater never approved of me, so perhaps he has returned from the grave to brow-beat me some more. He always said I was unworthy of the great Zweibel name, and that his mongoloid office boy was more qualified to run The Onion than I was. He said I was simpering and unmanly, and put too much oil in my hair, and wore chartreuse spats, and idled away my time playing with my stereoscope and riding on the Shoot-The-Chutes at the amusement- park.

Well, to hell with you, you miserable old fiend! You were never around when I was a boy! You were always off slaughtering Passenger Pigeons, raiding Wells Fargo stages, or getting into gun-fights with the Schaumburg Kid. I spent most of my youth as Mater's sewing table. That Singer machine was agony on my back, and I had so many straight pins imbedded in my flesh, I resembled Saint Sebastian! It was no life for a young boy with a great thirst for adventure and glory. I should have been by your side on the wild frontier, scalping Methodists and raping wolverines. But I just wasn't good enough for you, was I? Maybe if I had been like your friend Paul Bunyan, you would have liked me more, but, no, I was merely your sickly, pasty-complected son T. Herman!

Well, I'm not afraid of you any-more, Pater, because now that I am old I now recognize you for all your faults. And do you know what I did with The Onion right after you passed away? I put in a bridge column, against your strict orders. Yes, you always thought bridge was too effete and decadent, but I did it just to spite you! I also fired your favorite columnist, One-Eyed Ezra, who wrote the moon-shine reviews. What do you think of that?

Aaaggghhh! Don't swoop down on me like that, Pater! Help, nurse, Standish, Augustus The Stable Boy, any-one, help! He's after me again! Help!

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