adBlockCheck

Pater Is Haunting Me Again

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pater Is Haunting Me Again

Aaaagggghhhh! Nurse, nurse, help! Help! The ghost of my late father, Herman Ulysses Zweibel, is haunting me again! Help! Murder! Police!

I can't understand what's been happening lately. In the past week, the phantom of Pater has been routinely materializing in my bed-chamber. What does he want? Why is he here?

Aaaggghhh! There he is again, hovering over my bed in a frightful apparition! Help, nurse, help!

Pater, please, go away and leave me alone! I am a very old man, far older than you were when you passed into the next world, and my frail constitution cannot handle your spectral visits!

Pater never approved of me, so perhaps he has returned from the grave to brow-beat me some more. He always said I was unworthy of the great Zweibel name, and that his mongoloid office boy was more qualified to run The Onion than I was. He said I was simpering and unmanly, and put too much oil in my hair, and wore chartreuse spats, and idled away my time playing with my stereoscope and riding on the Shoot-The-Chutes at the amusement- park.

Well, to hell with you, you miserable old fiend! You were never around when I was a boy! You were always off slaughtering Passenger Pigeons, raiding Wells Fargo stages, or getting into gun-fights with the Schaumburg Kid. I spent most of my youth as Mater's sewing table. That Singer machine was agony on my back, and I had so many straight pins imbedded in my flesh, I resembled Saint Sebastian! It was no life for a young boy with a great thirst for adventure and glory. I should have been by your side on the wild frontier, scalping Methodists and raping wolverines. But I just wasn't good enough for you, was I? Maybe if I had been like your friend Paul Bunyan, you would have liked me more, but, no, I was merely your sickly, pasty-complected son T. Herman!

Well, I'm not afraid of you any-more, Pater, because now that I am old I now recognize you for all your faults. And do you know what I did with The Onion right after you passed away? I put in a bridge column, against your strict orders. Yes, you always thought bridge was too effete and decadent, but I did it just to spite you! I also fired your favorite columnist, One-Eyed Ezra, who wrote the moon-shine reviews. What do you think of that?

Aaaggghhh! Don't swoop down on me like that, Pater! Help, nurse, Standish, Augustus The Stable Boy, any-one, help! He's after me again! Help!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close