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People Always Hate Politicians Until They Need One

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.
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People Always Hate Politicians Until They Need One

I got into the legislation business only in order to tirelessly serve the good people of Kansas's 3rd District. But what do I get in return? Nothing but grief, cynicism, and snarky suspicion. People trash politicians every chance they get, all year long, until that one day they actually need one of us.

Then they sing a different tune.

Let me tell you: It's not all being wined and dined by lobbyists and joking around with my pals on the floor, you know. It's long hours and hard work. But whenever I go home and do a little fund-raising, all I hear is: "Shouldn't you be back in Washington earning your six-figure salary?" And you know whose in-box is filled with fawning e-mails the next morning when someone needs to get a last-minute clause attached to an appropriations bill before it gets out of the House Committee On Ways And Means? Mine. The "sleazy" politician's. That's right, me.

So go ahead. Beat up on the greasy-palmed politician. Crack your little one-liners with the town barber about how "Congress is the opposite of progress." But the next time you need a sign-off on some ordinance banning certain types of commercial uses of government-leased land, who are you going to come to asking for a feasibility study to get drafted within the next 18 months?

Bet I won't be such a stuffed-shirt pig-in-a-trough then, will I?

I thought I had it bad when I was a lawyer. I heard all kinds of jokes about hanging lawyers and drowning lawyers. But when people tell lawyer jokes, they're only jokes. When people talk about politicians, there's no punch line. It's just plain mean.

You think it's so easy, why don't you try building bipartisan support for minor legislation when you have to run for office every two years? Go find your own photo op shaking hands with the auto mechanic down the road?

But it's always the same old thing: "Look at the big Washington Fat Cat! Let's make fun of him! He's crooked and greedy and dumb! But wait—oh no, boo hoo, our precious swimming hole is getting rezoned as a federally funded toxic-waste dump site." Well, would you look at that! Full reverse pivot, out of nowhere. No more Mr. Donkey-in-a-suit anymore, no sir. Wait, what's this? Soft-money contributions? Aw, gee, thanks. How considerate of you, now that you have something to gain from me.

"Politicians talk and talk and talk because they just looooooooove the sound of their own voices." Oops—some asshole wants to build a chemical plant in a non-industrial area located in an old rail corridor? Ho, ho! Now I'm your new best friend, a man of honor, and a kindhearted do-gooder all wrapped into one neat little convenient package posing in a picture with you so you can put it on the mantelpiece at the Rotary Club and show everybody you're important enough to rub elbows with a real, live U.S. congressman.

Well guess what, Mr. and Mrs. Voter? I'm tired of it.

Next time you need to know when your stretch of interstate is going to be renamed, or whether your grandfather's house will ever be listed on the National Register Of Historic Places, take a second to stop and think about me. About how I feel when I pick up the phone any time, day or night, to hear about how you're concerned that the video games your kids are playing are making them act out in school and you want a new law requiring children under age 14 to bring signed permission from their parents when purchasing certain titles. Why don't you try asking me how my kids are? They're fine, thank you, and they can tell the difference between fake violence and stabbing a classmate with a math compass. Call me during business hours.

If you still think that I'm only in this to line my pockets, don't bother asking me for those fixed direct payments from the Freedom To Farm Act of 1996. And you can forget about getting me to speak at your PTA meeting about staying in school. I've got a lot of important resolutions to work on.

I swear, sometimes the electorate at large just makes me sick.

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