adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

People Like Food

These days it's hard to get people to agree on things. Some people like wearing shorts all the time, but other people think you always have to dress up nice. Some people like movies with cartoons in them, but other people only like watching real people. How do you find a middle ground? You don't. It's impossible. But, there's one thing I've found where I think we can all agree: food. People like food.

Now before you argue against my statement, think about it for a second. Everyone I've ever talked to likes food. My mother likes food. My brother likes food. My stepdad likes food even more than my mom. The president likes food, too, probably. I've never eaten with him, but I can picture him sitting at a table eating a big bowl of macaroni and cheese right now. Homeless people ask me for money all the time just so they can buy food. It seems to me that food's pretty popular.

And, when you really think about it, there's a lot to like about food. It tastes good and it's good to eat. That's all I can think of for now, but those two things alone make me like food. Furthermore, I just thought of something else: Food is probably the healthiest and best thing to put in your mouth. You can ask a doctor about that.

And, so, thus, people like food.

There's one big argument against people liking food that I'm going to rebut right now. "What about picky eaters? They don't like food." I must admit that part of that statement is true. Some picky eaters don't like every food that's available, but just because you don't like one food doesn't mean you don't like any food at all.

Still don't believe me? Here's an example that will quiet any naysayers. During dinner one evening, my friend Dale refused to eat asparagus, so I thought to myself, "Does he not like food?" But a few minutes later I looked over and he was eating some baked chicken. So, if he likes chicken, and chicken is food, then he must like food. See? Picky eaters like food, too.

That was just one of many examples of how people like food.

There's food out there for everyone. Hamburgers is one good example. But even if you don't like hamburgers, there are a number of other foods to consider: spaghetti, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers, cereal, bacon, pancakes, pot pie, and dairy. Some people like food you don't even have to cook, like Starbursts or cheese and crackers. And there is also cold food, liquid food, soft food, hard food, and jelly-filled food. I'm positive that if you look hard enough you will find one food that you like.

I bet you like pizza.

People like food so much that they find time to eat it in between eating it. That's why we have snacks—little foods that taste good that you can eat whenever you want. The snack aisles in supermarkets are very big and have lots of choices. That's because supermarkets learned a long time ago that people like food enough to buy it. They know it, I know it, and you can know it too if you just listen.

Now, granted, I don't know the statistics, but I bet something like 98 percent of people eat food every day. It's got to be really high, because all students and people with jobs have lunch breaks, and what else would they be doing? Even babies cry when they don't get food, which some might say is evidence that we are practically born to eat food. Maybe that's why people like food so much.

Here's a fact: Food has been around forever. Food was there when Marco Polo brought back food from Asia. Food was there during the first Thanksgiving. If you think about it, eating food is the one thing humans have always done. It's what makes us who we are. Without food, could we really even call ourselves human? We'd probably be pretty tired and hungry, or dead.

So in conclusion, if you don't want to be dead, it's time you wised up and accepted the reality that people like food. They just do, trust me. Thank you.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close