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People Like Food

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Food

Jack In The Box

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

Having a child who refuses to eat most foods can be both frustrating and alarming for parents, but there are ways to work through this phase as a family. Here are The Onion’s tips for handling a picky eater

GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

Consumers have consistently distrusted the use of genetically modified organisms in their food, believing that they make food unsafe for consumption, although a majority of scientific evidence contradicts these views. Here are the common myths associated with GMOs and the facts that refute them

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.
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Food

Jack In The Box

People Like Food

These days it's hard to get people to agree on things. Some people like wearing shorts all the time, but other people think you always have to dress up nice. Some people like movies with cartoons in them, but other people only like watching real people. How do you find a middle ground? You don't. It's impossible. But, there's one thing I've found where I think we can all agree: food. People like food.

Now before you argue against my statement, think about it for a second. Everyone I've ever talked to likes food. My mother likes food. My brother likes food. My stepdad likes food even more than my mom. The president likes food, too, probably. I've never eaten with him, but I can picture him sitting at a table eating a big bowl of macaroni and cheese right now. Homeless people ask me for money all the time just so they can buy food. It seems to me that food's pretty popular.

And, when you really think about it, there's a lot to like about food. It tastes good and it's good to eat. That's all I can think of for now, but those two things alone make me like food. Furthermore, I just thought of something else: Food is probably the healthiest and best thing to put in your mouth. You can ask a doctor about that.

And, so, thus, people like food.

There's one big argument against people liking food that I'm going to rebut right now. "What about picky eaters? They don't like food." I must admit that part of that statement is true. Some picky eaters don't like every food that's available, but just because you don't like one food doesn't mean you don't like any food at all.

Still don't believe me? Here's an example that will quiet any naysayers. During dinner one evening, my friend Dale refused to eat asparagus, so I thought to myself, "Does he not like food?" But a few minutes later I looked over and he was eating some baked chicken. So, if he likes chicken, and chicken is food, then he must like food. See? Picky eaters like food, too.

That was just one of many examples of how people like food.

There's food out there for everyone. Hamburgers is one good example. But even if you don't like hamburgers, there are a number of other foods to consider: spaghetti, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers, cereal, bacon, pancakes, pot pie, and dairy. Some people like food you don't even have to cook, like Starbursts or cheese and crackers. And there is also cold food, liquid food, soft food, hard food, and jelly-filled food. I'm positive that if you look hard enough you will find one food that you like.

I bet you like pizza.

People like food so much that they find time to eat it in between eating it. That's why we have snacks—little foods that taste good that you can eat whenever you want. The snack aisles in supermarkets are very big and have lots of choices. That's because supermarkets learned a long time ago that people like food enough to buy it. They know it, I know it, and you can know it too if you just listen.

Now, granted, I don't know the statistics, but I bet something like 98 percent of people eat food every day. It's got to be really high, because all students and people with jobs have lunch breaks, and what else would they be doing? Even babies cry when they don't get food, which some might say is evidence that we are practically born to eat food. Maybe that's why people like food so much.

Here's a fact: Food has been around forever. Food was there when Marco Polo brought back food from Asia. Food was there during the first Thanksgiving. If you think about it, eating food is the one thing humans have always done. It's what makes us who we are. Without food, could we really even call ourselves human? We'd probably be pretty tired and hungry, or dead.

So in conclusion, if you don't want to be dead, it's time you wised up and accepted the reality that people like food. They just do, trust me. Thank you.

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