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People Like Food

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Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

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MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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People Like Food

These days it's hard to get people to agree on things. Some people like wearing shorts all the time, but other people think you always have to dress up nice. Some people like movies with cartoons in them, but other people only like watching real people. How do you find a middle ground? You don't. It's impossible. But, there's one thing I've found where I think we can all agree: food. People like food.

Now before you argue against my statement, think about it for a second. Everyone I've ever talked to likes food. My mother likes food. My brother likes food. My stepdad likes food even more than my mom. The president likes food, too, probably. I've never eaten with him, but I can picture him sitting at a table eating a big bowl of macaroni and cheese right now. Homeless people ask me for money all the time just so they can buy food. It seems to me that food's pretty popular.

And, when you really think about it, there's a lot to like about food. It tastes good and it's good to eat. That's all I can think of for now, but those two things alone make me like food. Furthermore, I just thought of something else: Food is probably the healthiest and best thing to put in your mouth. You can ask a doctor about that.

And, so, thus, people like food.

There's one big argument against people liking food that I'm going to rebut right now. "What about picky eaters? They don't like food." I must admit that part of that statement is true. Some picky eaters don't like every food that's available, but just because you don't like one food doesn't mean you don't like any food at all.

Still don't believe me? Here's an example that will quiet any naysayers. During dinner one evening, my friend Dale refused to eat asparagus, so I thought to myself, "Does he not like food?" But a few minutes later I looked over and he was eating some baked chicken. So, if he likes chicken, and chicken is food, then he must like food. See? Picky eaters like food, too.

That was just one of many examples of how people like food.

There's food out there for everyone. Hamburgers is one good example. But even if you don't like hamburgers, there are a number of other foods to consider: spaghetti, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers, cereal, bacon, pancakes, pot pie, and dairy. Some people like food you don't even have to cook, like Starbursts or cheese and crackers. And there is also cold food, liquid food, soft food, hard food, and jelly-filled food. I'm positive that if you look hard enough you will find one food that you like.

I bet you like pizza.

People like food so much that they find time to eat it in between eating it. That's why we have snacks—little foods that taste good that you can eat whenever you want. The snack aisles in supermarkets are very big and have lots of choices. That's because supermarkets learned a long time ago that people like food enough to buy it. They know it, I know it, and you can know it too if you just listen.

Now, granted, I don't know the statistics, but I bet something like 98 percent of people eat food every day. It's got to be really high, because all students and people with jobs have lunch breaks, and what else would they be doing? Even babies cry when they don't get food, which some might say is evidence that we are practically born to eat food. Maybe that's why people like food so much.

Here's a fact: Food has been around forever. Food was there when Marco Polo brought back food from Asia. Food was there during the first Thanksgiving. If you think about it, eating food is the one thing humans have always done. It's what makes us who we are. Without food, could we really even call ourselves human? We'd probably be pretty tired and hungry, or dead.

So in conclusion, if you don't want to be dead, it's time you wised up and accepted the reality that people like food. They just do, trust me. Thank you.

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