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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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People Of Earth: We Come In Search Of Quality Name-Brand Footwear At Reasonable Prices

Citizens of Earth! I greet you on behalf of our leader, the grand exalted Emperor Xervandian. We have been dispatched from Zarvox, the 18th planet in the Klaator-Na quadrant. Do not be alarmed. We do not wish to harm you. Ours is a peaceful mission. We come in search of quality name-brand footwear at reasonable prices.

Our journey was long, more than 2,000 light years, and our feet are tired. We command you to assemble a great selection of comfortable, great-looking shoes in a wide range of sizes and styles—top brands like Nike, Timberland, Steve Madden, 9 West, Candies, and Rockport. And we refuse to overpay.

In exactly one hour, we will arrive on your planet's surface. Have a convoy of friendly, helpful salespersons ready and waiting. At 1600 hours, we will commence scanning your planet's surface for the season's hottest mid-calf length boots in classic colors like black and brown, as well as fun, attention-grabbing red and pink.

We are a powerful race, but we are not a violent one. The wars you wage on your planet are an outdated notion to us, as we prefer more intellectual pursuits. We also enjoy jogging, hiking, basketball, and golf, so we will accept nothing but the best in athletic footwear from Adidas, Reebok, and Converse. The citizens of our planet are in need of all manner of sport shoes, from cross trainers to hiking boots.

Bring them now, humans!

We have known about your watery planet for eons, but avoided contact as we patiently waited for you to develop sturdy, cushioned insole technology that allows the foot to properly breathe. The fires on our planet have left our own stockpiles of shoes and boots depleted. Zarvox has exhausted all reserves of great-looking, comfy classics by such designers as Charles David and Kenneth Cole.

Will you cooperate, People of the Blue-Green World? All we ask for are shoes that offer fashion, comfort, and value. We have noted the accelerated rate at which Earth produces fun new styles and are impressed. Will you deny us your supply of boat shoes, casual boots, sandals, clogs, loafers, and mules? Or will you help us complete our interstellar shoe quest?

I need not point out our superior weapons technology. We feel no need to threaten you with our Nitro-Electrion cyclo-blasters. We will make no trouble for you if you give us what we require: great shoes at a great price. With quick, courteous service. And a full, no-questions-asked 30-day return policy.

We have seen your cities. They light up the sky for many miles. We could not help but be impressed by their beauty and great selection of urban footwear by Fubu, Lugz, Dada, Mecca, and South Side. Such brands will serve us well upon our return home.

While our initial gyromagnetoscopic scan of Earth detected the presence of shoes that would look great in the office, like Dexter, Bass, and Bostonian loafers, our journey across the stars will not be successful until we also have something that looks great after hours. We must see Hush Puppies! We must see Minnetonka! We will see LB Evans! People of Earth, believe what we say. We will know the right pair when we see it, and we will not bow to high-pressure sales tactics.

Now is the time, humans, for you to await additional instructions. As soon as the hull of our ship is de-ionized and ready for krilliation, we will make our descent for shoes. We can only pray, for the sake of our two worlds, now united in purpose across the great expanse of stars, that you have a great selection for the kids, as well.

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