People Of Earth: We Come In Search Of Quality Name-Brand Footwear At Reasonable Prices

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Vol 39 Issue 05

Statistically Eliminated - Ep. 6

After being statistically eliminated from the playoffs, Brad is ready to give up fantasy football forever until Matt Forte reminds him that it's not too late to ruin the fantasy season for all the other owners.

Waiver Wire - Ep. 5

Brad has to make a tough decision between starting Larry Fitzgerald and Alfred Morris. Jack’s Team drops Andrew Luck to the waiver wire.

Overconfidence - Ep. 4

Going up against the weakest team in the league, Brad tells Matt Forte, Larry Fitzgerald, and Alfred Morris not to work too hard.

High-School Teacher Constantly Using Janitor As Example

GRAND FORKS, ND—Arnold Danielson, a chemistry teacher at Warren G. Harding High School, has for the past eight years used custodian Howard Sievert as a living warning to underachieving or misbehaving students. "When my grades started to slip, Mr. Danielson took me aside and said, 'Well, you can buckle down and study harder... or you can end up like old Howie,'" sophomore Dave Netzel said. "Boy, I got the hint big-time." Netzel said Danielson is also fond of asking tardy students to name their favorite car and then informing them that such a car is unaffordable on a janitor's salary.

Laffy Taffy Writer Disdains Bazooka

ITASCA, IL—Bruce Palmer, a writer and editor for Nestle's "Laffy Taffy" line of joke-bearing fruit-flavored chews, holds Topps Bazooka gum and its line of complimentary comic art in sneering contempt, he revealed Monday. "Don't get me wrong: In the Golden Age of the 1970s and 1980s, Bazooka Joe was amazing—a big influence on me," the 43-year-old Palmer said. "But when Topps went all corporate, and the P.C. suits made them dump [sombrero-clad mischief-maker] Pesty, it all went downhill." Palmer went on to dismiss Bazooka as "a stain on the proud literary genre of candy-wrapper humor."

Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

SAN DIEGO—Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. "It was kind of horrible," said Maria Christopher, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. "People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere." The spree ended when Vermeer turned his gun on himself, knocking himself out for half an hour.

U.S. Council Of Coolness Releases Formal Statement On Prince

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, the U.S. Council of Coolness released its long-awaited ruling on Prince, declaring the recording artist "provisionally cool" by a 13-11 margin. "This was a more difficult decision than it should have been," the 240-page report read. "In the end, however, albums like 1999 and Sign O' The Times are sufficiently brilliant to offset such padded late-period dorkfests as Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic and The Rainbow Children." The Council of Coolness warned that the decision could be reversed if Prince records one more rap in which he declares himself "super-fonky" or "2 jammin' 4 U."

Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying with weapons inspections. "Enough is enough," a determined Bush told reporters. "We are not fooled by Saddam's devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam." Bush added that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be regarded as "an act of war."

You Will Know Love

Erase all doubt from your mind, for tonight, you will know love. Let me tell you how I am going to lay it down.
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People Of Earth: We Come In Search Of Quality Name-Brand Footwear At Reasonable Prices

Citizens of Earth! I greet you on behalf of our leader, the grand exalted Emperor Xervandian. We have been dispatched from Zarvox, the 18th planet in the Klaator-Na quadrant. Do not be alarmed. We do not wish to harm you. Ours is a peaceful mission. We come in search of quality name-brand footwear at reasonable prices.

Our journey was long, more than 2,000 light years, and our feet are tired. We command you to assemble a great selection of comfortable, great-looking shoes in a wide range of sizes and styles—top brands like Nike, Timberland, Steve Madden, 9 West, Candies, and Rockport. And we refuse to overpay.

In exactly one hour, we will arrive on your planet's surface. Have a convoy of friendly, helpful salespersons ready and waiting. At 1600 hours, we will commence scanning your planet's surface for the season's hottest mid-calf length boots in classic colors like black and brown, as well as fun, attention-grabbing red and pink.

We are a powerful race, but we are not a violent one. The wars you wage on your planet are an outdated notion to us, as we prefer more intellectual pursuits. We also enjoy jogging, hiking, basketball, and golf, so we will accept nothing but the best in athletic footwear from Adidas, Reebok, and Converse. The citizens of our planet are in need of all manner of sport shoes, from cross trainers to hiking boots.

Bring them now, humans!

We have known about your watery planet for eons, but avoided contact as we patiently waited for you to develop sturdy, cushioned insole technology that allows the foot to properly breathe. The fires on our planet have left our own stockpiles of shoes and boots depleted. Zarvox has exhausted all reserves of great-looking, comfy classics by such designers as Charles David and Kenneth Cole.

Will you cooperate, People of the Blue-Green World? All we ask for are shoes that offer fashion, comfort, and value. We have noted the accelerated rate at which Earth produces fun new styles and are impressed. Will you deny us your supply of boat shoes, casual boots, sandals, clogs, loafers, and mules? Or will you help us complete our interstellar shoe quest?

I need not point out our superior weapons technology. We feel no need to threaten you with our Nitro-Electrion cyclo-blasters. We will make no trouble for you if you give us what we require: great shoes at a great price. With quick, courteous service. And a full, no-questions-asked 30-day return policy.

We have seen your cities. They light up the sky for many miles. We could not help but be impressed by their beauty and great selection of urban footwear by Fubu, Lugz, Dada, Mecca, and South Side. Such brands will serve us well upon our return home.

While our initial gyromagnetoscopic scan of Earth detected the presence of shoes that would look great in the office, like Dexter, Bass, and Bostonian loafers, our journey across the stars will not be successful until we also have something that looks great after hours. We must see Hush Puppies! We must see Minnetonka! We will see LB Evans! People of Earth, believe what we say. We will know the right pair when we see it, and we will not bow to high-pressure sales tactics.

Now is the time, humans, for you to await additional instructions. As soon as the hull of our ship is de-ionized and ready for krilliation, we will make our descent for shoes. We can only pray, for the sake of our two worlds, now united in purpose across the great expanse of stars, that you have a great selection for the kids, as well.

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