Please Don't Be Mad

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Vol 39 Issue 39

Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link

GREAT FALLS, MT—Amanda Manis was dumped Monday after forwarding boyfriend Anthony Madrid a link for the humor web site LunaticLobsters.com. "I was convinced that I had found my soulmate, my kindred spirit, the woman I could grow old with," Madrid said. "Then, out of nowhere, Mandy e-mails me this stupid link. When I saw those Flash-animation cartoons, I knew it was over." Madrid has previously dumped girlfriends for owning roller blades, buying Vegemite, and watching Craig Kilborn.

8 Simple Rules Laugh Track Replaced With Somber String Arrangement

LOS ANGELES—ABC announced plans Monday to replace the laugh track of 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter with a somber string arrangement. "Following the untimely death of John Ritter, it's only appropriate that we repackage this madcap parenting comedy as a very special tribute to a man whose life touched us all," said producer Tim Sharbarth. "I mean, the episodes are in the can. We've gotta air them. Luckily, with the addition of new music by cellist Yo Yo Ma, the episodes offer a chance for the viewing public to say goodbye to John, a beloved legend of physical comedy." Promos for the show, which used to feature choice sexual wisecracks, now contain a message from Ritter's "TV family" and clips of the sitcom's characters hugging.

Frustrated FCC Unable To Stop Use Of Word 'Friggin''

WASHINGTON, DC—The government agency responsible for enforcing broadcast-decency laws can do nothing to stop rampant use of the word "friggin'," Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael K. Powell said Monday. "Everyone knows what it really means when someone uses that word," Powell said. "Still, we hear it all over the morning radio shows, all the time. Oooh, it burns me up. Those DJs aren't fooling anyone, certainly not us here at the FCC. But sadly, our hands are tied." Powell suggested that users of the non-profanity just grow up.

Bartender Refuses To Acknowledge Patron's Regular Status

DAYTON, OH—Hurley's Pub bartender Don O'Hagan once again refused to acknowledge Henry Wells' status as a regular patron, the disappointed customer reported Tuesday. "I've been coming here for nearly two years, and I don't get so much as a nod of recognition when I sit down," said Wells, who estimated he's ordered a Bushmills with a splash of water from O'Hagan nearly 500 times. "I don't expect this place to be like Cheers, I just think that I deserve be treated like a human being, is all." Wells said he seriously considered not leaving a tip on his next round.

Parrot Care Is Actually Quite Time-Consuming

Ahoy thar, mateys! I see ye be gazin' upon me parrot Isabelle. Quite a keen fair lass, she be! Aye, but mark well me words: Thar be quite a lot o' work in carin' for a likely creature as she. Why, some scurvy swabs think a bowl o' seed an' a friendly shoulder be enough to please a bird from Gibraltar to Macao, but that be a d—n sight from truthful, I assure ye. What ho—I espy a calm driftin' in from the nor'-nor'-east—strike the mizzensail, me tars, an' lay-to as I tell ye what ye need to keep yer parrot a healthy an' happy crewmate.

CIA Leak Probed

The FBI has launched an investigation into whether White House officials leaked the identity of an undercover CIA officer. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Spring

Please Don't Be Mad

Please don't be upset, baby.

Although I don't know what made you mad, rest assured that I didn't mean it. Smoove would never hurt you.

Was it my words? My words should only be used to describe your beauty and to express the deep feelings that I have for you. If some of my words somehow went astray and hurt you, please accept my apologies.

Was it one of my actions? Was it when I lit a fire in the fireplace after you said you were chilly? Maybe instead, you wanted Smoove to wrap you in a blanket and hold you close.

Perhaps you were upset by the sliced fruit that I brought to you. I brought you those slices of fruit because I thought that you might be hungry. If those fruit slices were not fresh enough, I will go to the 24-hour supermarket all the way on the other side of town and hand-select the store's ripest kiwi, in hopes that you will find it acceptable. If you don't like kiwi, I will seek out a farmers market and purchase fresh fruits of the finest local varieties.

Perhaps you became angry when I caressed your neck and shoulders. Was I too rough? Maybe you didn't want the muscles in your neck eased at that moment. If that was the case, then I am sorry.

Was it one of those things that made you upset? Please talk to me. Smoove can't read minds.

If you would tell me what angered you, I could make it better, either by correcting my error or by treating you in so sensual a manner that you would forget all about it.

If you remove that scowl from your beautiful face, Smoove will make everything right. Let me put on a D'Angelo CD, and I will pull you close, and we'll slow-dance on my white bearskin rug. The fire is still going, so it will be romantic. While we are grooving together slowly, I will whisper into your ear and say things like, "Mmm, I love the way you move," or "Your embrace feels like heaven to me," or "You have beautiful calf muscles." Or I may sing song lyrics in your ear. Whatever I choose, you will be overcome with emotion and desire for me.

You look so fine when you're upset. I want to get freaky with you right now on the kitchen counter. Please give it to me.

Tell Smoove what is bothering you. I know I can make it all better, if you give me a chance. Let me rub your back and neck. This time, I will use my exotic oils and massage your muscles until they are the loosest that they have ever been. You will feel much too good to be mad at me.

If you prefer powder, please tell me before I get my oils.

To help you forget your troubles, I could kiss you softly on your forehead and on your cheeks. Once your passion has been brought to a desirable level, I could pick you up and let you wrap your beautiful legs around my waist. My back is strong, and I will not falter one bit as I support your weight. We will kiss like that, until your desire overwhelms you. Then I will gently lower you onto the bearskin rug, put your legs onto my shoulders, and ride you like you've never been ridden before. I will take you to a new dimension of pleasure. This dimension, full of scented candles and rose petals, is where all of your wild sexual fantasies will be realized. This is a dimension that Smoove has visited often, but now I want to take you there.

Aw, don't play me like that.

You know I would do anything if you would only smile for me. If there is something you want, please just ask for it. If you'd like an exotic drink, allow me to travel around the globe and sample the various drinks of indigenous cultures. I will write down the recipes carefully. I will bring back all the ingredients, and then I will make the drinks for you. I will bring the glasses to your lips one by one, and you can tell me which exotic drink is your favorite. Your pleasure is all that matters to me. If you don't like the exotic drinks I make, I will go back to even more exoticer locations and find drinks that you do enjoy.

I will also garnish the glasses appropriately.

If you could only put aside your anger, I would caress your hand and look deep into your eyes. You would be able to feel the bond we share all over your beautiful self.

Damn, girl, why you gotta be that way?

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