adBlockCheck

Please, Make Yourself At Home While I Silently Count Down The Seconds Until You Leave

Top Headlines

Recent News

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Please, Make Yourself At Home While I Silently Count Down The Seconds Until You Leave

Wow, it’s great to see you! How have you been? It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Why don’t you come inside and we can catch up on things? Please, come right on in and make yourself at home while I silently count down the seconds until you step back out that door and I close it firmly behind you.

Go on, tell me what you’ve been up to lately, and I’ll listen as patiently as I can while waiting to get back to all the things I’d rather be doing but can’t because you’re here talking to me.

Have a seat anywhere you like. I can’t wait to hear everything that’s going on with you, get through those stories as quickly as possible, and then walk you to your car so I can get on with my day. Really, how often do I get to have you over? I’m just happy you could stop by and fill me in on your life while I sit here thinking only about how long I’ll have to wait before I have the house to myself again.

Would you like anything to drink? Maybe a glass of water or some juice? I’m more than happy to grab you something from the kitchen, where I can look at the clock and privately lament the amount of time you’re probably going to spend here. No, really, I insist! Making sure your guests are happy and completely unaware that practically all your thoughts are focused on their departure is just part of being a good host.

Actually, you know what? Feel free to just help yourself to whatever you want from the fridge, as long as it gets you out of the room long enough for me to check how much time you’ve already been here on my phone, grow irritated when I consider that with each passing moment your visit becomes more and more of a nuisance, and then put on a smile again just as you’re returning.

As my guest, you deserve what appears to be my genuine hospitality.

After all, you’re the one who made the effort to come over to my place. You’re more than welcome to sit in my living room for minute after silently agonizing minute and talk about whatever’s on your mind as I grit my teeth and try to pretend this is exactly the way I want to be spending my free time. Besides, how often have you had me over? Enough that I now feel obligated to make small talk and devote all my mental energy to disguising how anxious I am for you to leave, that’s for sure.

When you’re under my roof, you can always depend on me to feign delight in your company and nod at the correct intervals throughout our exchange. And I’ll be sure to ask about your work and family purely as empty lead-up questions before I inquire, very casually, where you’re heading after you leave here, in the hope that there’s some place you need to be and that I’ll remind you of it, prompting you to make your exit.

You can also count on me to offer any number of pleasantries aimed at steering our interaction to a natural end point. For example, if you mention that you’ve had a tough morning, I’ll reply that I’m sorry to hear that, but I won’t dare ask what happened, how you’re handling it, or any other question that might prolong what already feels like an eternal discussion.

Honestly, anything you’d like to talk about—anything at all—I’m here to listen and respond with the minimum number of words that common courtesy allows, making no effort to keep this conversation from petering out.

What else are friends who would much rather be enjoying some time alone for?

Oh, is it time for you to go already? And here it seems you only just arrived a full hour and 17 minutes ago. Come back anytime, and I’ll be glad to feel the full, crushing weight of each passing second until I hear your engine start and watch your car pulling out of my driveway while I release a relieved sigh.

It really is the least I can do.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close