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Political Goals For 2009

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Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Political Goals For 2009

Smoove is not a political man. However, during the most recent election, something changed for Smoove. He has found a purpose. A new desire.

I will make Michelle Obama my woman, body and soul.

This will be a great challenge for Smoove. I will need to purchase even finer clothes and softer towels. I will have to master the hand-feeding techniques of ancient seduction monks. I must learn compliments that would cause average women to catch fire from the inner flames of desire that the compliments would stoke.

This will have to be handled very carefully. An intriguing note sent with tasteful but exotic flowers, playful chats via text message, and many a sexually charged phone call. And all this will be done in secret, as we work together on my new charity, Smoove B's Homeless Shelter for Attractive but Poor Children.

First Baby, Smoove is coming.

My man Darnell says it will be difficult to compete with the most powerful man in the free world. This is not a concern. You see, her man will treat her like a wife, the mother of his children, and a partner in leading the country. I will make her feel like a woman.

Let me break it down.

I will greet her at the airport in the finest white limo available. During the ride into the city, I will discuss business with her, while giving her smoldering glances to show her the passion that burns inside of me. I will compliment her, but these will be tasteful compliments and many of them will be focused on her dress, which will be businesslike but cling to her every curve.

At no point will I mention her fine booty.

We will arrive at the finest restaurant in the city where the glances between us will become even smokier. I will make comments regarding my charity work, but she soon will realize that I am not referring to my plans for a homeless shelter but instead to my deep desire to rock her body all night long.

After dinner is finished, I will ask to escort her to her hotel, and even though there are Secret Service agents with us on the drive over, she will feel safer with me than she has ever felt in her life. We will also laugh and discuss things that we have never told anyone else before. The conversation will be deep.

When we arrive at the hotel, we will be overcome by mutual sexual attraction, but I will dispel this by saying what a fine evening it was and kiss her lightly on the cheek.

While many may ask why I ended the night instead of taking her to untold realms of sensual pleasure, it is simple. A woman of this caliber is like a rare, black diamond, which must be chipped away and buffed by a master craftsman for months before it can finally be mounted. Patience will be Smoove's ally.

In 2009 she will be mine.

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