adBlockCheck

Political Goals For 2009

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Political Goals For 2009

Smoove is not a political man. However, during the most recent election, something changed for Smoove. He has found a purpose. A new desire.

I will make Michelle Obama my woman, body and soul.

This will be a great challenge for Smoove. I will need to purchase even finer clothes and softer towels. I will have to master the hand-feeding techniques of ancient seduction monks. I must learn compliments that would cause average women to catch fire from the inner flames of desire that the compliments would stoke.

This will have to be handled very carefully. An intriguing note sent with tasteful but exotic flowers, playful chats via text message, and many a sexually charged phone call. And all this will be done in secret, as we work together on my new charity, Smoove B's Homeless Shelter for Attractive but Poor Children.

First Baby, Smoove is coming.

My man Darnell says it will be difficult to compete with the most powerful man in the free world. This is not a concern. You see, her man will treat her like a wife, the mother of his children, and a partner in leading the country. I will make her feel like a woman.

Let me break it down.

I will greet her at the airport in the finest white limo available. During the ride into the city, I will discuss business with her, while giving her smoldering glances to show her the passion that burns inside of me. I will compliment her, but these will be tasteful compliments and many of them will be focused on her dress, which will be businesslike but cling to her every curve.

At no point will I mention her fine booty.

We will arrive at the finest restaurant in the city where the glances between us will become even smokier. I will make comments regarding my charity work, but she soon will realize that I am not referring to my plans for a homeless shelter but instead to my deep desire to rock her body all night long.

After dinner is finished, I will ask to escort her to her hotel, and even though there are Secret Service agents with us on the drive over, she will feel safer with me than she has ever felt in her life. We will also laugh and discuss things that we have never told anyone else before. The conversation will be deep.

When we arrive at the hotel, we will be overcome by mutual sexual attraction, but I will dispel this by saying what a fine evening it was and kiss her lightly on the cheek.

While many may ask why I ended the night instead of taking her to untold realms of sensual pleasure, it is simple. A woman of this caliber is like a rare, black diamond, which must be chipped away and buffed by a master craftsman for months before it can finally be mounted. Patience will be Smoove's ally.

In 2009 she will be mine.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close