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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Political Goals For 2009

Smoove is not a political man. However, during the most recent election, something changed for Smoove. He has found a purpose. A new desire.

I will make Michelle Obama my woman, body and soul.

This will be a great challenge for Smoove. I will need to purchase even finer clothes and softer towels. I will have to master the hand-feeding techniques of ancient seduction monks. I must learn compliments that would cause average women to catch fire from the inner flames of desire that the compliments would stoke.

This will have to be handled very carefully. An intriguing note sent with tasteful but exotic flowers, playful chats via text message, and many a sexually charged phone call. And all this will be done in secret, as we work together on my new charity, Smoove B's Homeless Shelter for Attractive but Poor Children.

First Baby, Smoove is coming.

My man Darnell says it will be difficult to compete with the most powerful man in the free world. This is not a concern. You see, her man will treat her like a wife, the mother of his children, and a partner in leading the country. I will make her feel like a woman.

Let me break it down.

I will greet her at the airport in the finest white limo available. During the ride into the city, I will discuss business with her, while giving her smoldering glances to show her the passion that burns inside of me. I will compliment her, but these will be tasteful compliments and many of them will be focused on her dress, which will be businesslike but cling to her every curve.

At no point will I mention her fine booty.

We will arrive at the finest restaurant in the city where the glances between us will become even smokier. I will make comments regarding my charity work, but she soon will realize that I am not referring to my plans for a homeless shelter but instead to my deep desire to rock her body all night long.

After dinner is finished, I will ask to escort her to her hotel, and even though there are Secret Service agents with us on the drive over, she will feel safer with me than she has ever felt in her life. We will also laugh and discuss things that we have never told anyone else before. The conversation will be deep.

When we arrive at the hotel, we will be overcome by mutual sexual attraction, but I will dispel this by saying what a fine evening it was and kiss her lightly on the cheek.

While many may ask why I ended the night instead of taking her to untold realms of sensual pleasure, it is simple. A woman of this caliber is like a rare, black diamond, which must be chipped away and buffed by a master craftsman for months before it can finally be mounted. Patience will be Smoove's ally.

In 2009 she will be mine.

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