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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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#poopjeanteasdalesays

Your usually mild-mannered Jean Teasdale is fully switched on and currently set to channel FEISTY! Why, you ask? Because some smarties out there, and I’m definitely not talking about the candy, think they know the real moi, and assume that moi lives hopelessly in the past. Well, yolk’s on those eggheads! Okay, maybe they’re on to something when it comes to my fashion choices; after 12 years, my “Goddess of Sass” sweatshirt has lost most of its sparkle (courtesy of the washing machine), but ain’t no way it’s retiring! But who truly lives in the past and has her own genuine Twitter account at the same time, hmm? Because I do! Try to name another humor wisecracker who has one, I dare you!

Heck, most folks still don’t even know what Twitter is. For the uninitiated, let CompuJean fill you in: It’s a free internet site where you can share a personal moment, crack wise, show a photo of a kitty, and beat people to caring about things that literally happened seconds ago, all in 140 characters or less. You can even use your phone to type and send stuff to it! In the—count ’em—FOUR YEARS I’ve been on Twitter, many a fellow celebrity has come and gone, sometimes practically bawling while heading toward the exit. Yet I keep on a-tweetin’. Yes sir, your Mrs. Teasdale isn’t afraid to meet our exciting Digitalbyte Age head-on!

Here’s another white-hot internet trend, which happens to also be the latest viral-videotape laff fad: people mentioning the “s**t” they apparently say in their everyday life. Brah-voe to these trendsetting funsters (save for their unpleasant and unnecessary vulgarity, natch)!

Here’s the best thing “**i* People Say” (sorry, I could still recognize the naughty word even with the two middle letters covered up, so I starred out more) has going for it: its simplicity. Do you know how much easier it makes it for someone who just wants to say a bunch of goofy stuff publicly without having to arrive at an overall point? You know, if we could cut down on points in general, it would make life a lot sweeter. Then when the smarties bark their usual “What’s your point?” line, we could respond, “Sorry, can’t answer that because Wednesdays are officially designated point-free days.” And they’ll have to like it or lump it! I mean, why hamstring yourself with fussy restrictions when you have a face and it could be shooting off?

Anyway, it got me all inspired to do my own *h**-saying thing (the stars are working, by the way—the nasty, bad word is almost completely wiped from my brain now!). But there was only one hitch: I can’t afford a video camera. Oh, and editing soft-where? You see my situation. So, just pretend I’m videotaping all the ****, and that I’m saying it from your computer screen or phone instead of in print. (And as a personal favor for moi, think the more polite “poop,” too.)

Poop Jean Teasdale Says:
“Oooh! Still a little bit of chocolate under my fingernail!”

“Yowch! The temple piece on my eyeglasses keeps digging in behind my right ear!” (No kidding, I really, truly do say this!)

“Have a super-special-shiny rest of your day!” (What I say to customers at the indoor flea market!)

“Why do my socks always fall down while I walk?”

“No more clean underwear! Hmm, wonder if I can get away with connecting my bunch of long-limbed stuffed monkeys with Velcro hands and feet together into a big plush panty today?” (If this was a real video, there would be a shot of me in a monkey panty!)

“Why does my kitty smell like conditioner? Oh, that’s right: I used her for a pillow last night!”

“Garfy warfy barfy pawsy poos! Prissy melissy with her kissy whissies!” (“Poop Jean Teasdale Says To Her Kitties” could be a whole other video in and of itself. And it would feature kitties!)

(While at the Pamida:) “I’m really tempted to get one of those battery-powered nose trimmers. But I don’t believe in a lot of personal grooming. Would that be like giving in?” (Not really sure about this one because I don’t normally talk to myself at stores.)

“Well, maybe there would be fewer stuffed animals on your side of the waterbed if you were ever home, Rick.”

“Rick, when do I ever pick you up from Tacky’s at bar time? Just sleep it off at Craig’s again. And stop making those gross wet noises into the phone!” (Phew! Actually writing this stuff down makes me realize what a madcap marriage the hubby and I have!)

“Keep smiling!” (True, I really don’t say my classic catchphrase out loud often, but when I do, it’s usually into a mirror. Still not sure whether my face should be tear-stained in the imaginary viral video, though!)

My pal Fulgencio says that I should make a viral video anyway and raise the money for it by getting it crowdfunded. That’s another computing term that Jeanketeers might not know. I didn’t either, and had to do a Google to find out. You could’ve knocked me over with a feather! Did you know it means getting strangers online to give money to you to do a wacky project? I’m still not sure if I want to do it; I’m pretty camera shy. Still, it’s nice to know that I have the option. Incidentally, is there a crowdfunding site for people whose rent is due? Asking for a friend. (Her name happens to be Queen Beesdale!)