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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Predictions For 1913

Another infant New-Year, bless its heart, is fast a-suckling upon the teat of its wet nurse. And I predict great things for this Year Of Our Lord 1913! For it is a great time to be an American and a plutocrat: The Zweibel coffers are full to bursting; I am the most respected and beloved gentleman in the Republic; and the Onion news-paper is selling like hotcakes, largely thanks to our new comical-strip-story feature, L'il Foodhole & His Billy Goat Juniper. That Juniper is always up to mischief, eating Mrs. O'Riley's laundry and such-like!

The publishing world yearly awaits my predictions for the New-Year. As so they should! I need not remind you that in years past I predicted the increased use of the combustible-engine motor-car, the shortening of women's skirt hems by one-half inch, and the beastly attack of the Ungabunga Island savages upon the Christian missionaries sent to save their heathen souls. Curse them!

In this New-Year 1913, I predict:

The entire city of Cincinnati will plummet into the Ohio River, with nary a man left to tell the tale.

The sinful fox trot dance, all the rage back East, will corrupt our chaste young maidens, turning them into rouge-wearing, opium-smoking vampires, draining the life from American manhood with their poisonous kisses.

At the college pigskin matches, Harvard will lick Eli but good, and the St. Louis Browns will challenge and defeat the New York Knickerbockers in the World Series base-ball competition.

I will continue to profit handsomely from extensive investment in the burgeoning German munitions industry.

The most popular song of the year will be "Won't You Share a Strawberry Bromide With Me, Sweet Pollybelle Of Mine?" The second most popular song of the year will be "Float, Float, Float On My Merry Little Boat."

Our Lord Jesus Christ will descend from heaven in a flaming chariot, separating saint from sinner.

And, finally, Brickton Atlas-Trumpet Editor In Chief P. Oliver Gummidge will die, because I will have killed him.

A toast to the New-Year 1913! And may there be many more following!

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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