adBlockCheck

Predictions For 1913

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Predictions For 1913

Another infant New-Year, bless its heart, is fast a-suckling upon the teat of its wet nurse. And I predict great things for this Year Of Our Lord 1913! For it is a great time to be an American and a plutocrat: The Zweibel coffers are full to bursting; I am the most respected and beloved gentleman in the Republic; and the Onion news-paper is selling like hotcakes, largely thanks to our new comical-strip-story feature, L'il Foodhole & His Billy Goat Juniper. That Juniper is always up to mischief, eating Mrs. O'Riley's laundry and such-like!

The publishing world yearly awaits my predictions for the New-Year. As so they should! I need not remind you that in years past I predicted the increased use of the combustible-engine motor-car, the shortening of women's skirt hems by one-half inch, and the beastly attack of the Ungabunga Island savages upon the Christian missionaries sent to save their heathen souls. Curse them!

In this New-Year 1913, I predict:

The entire city of Cincinnati will plummet into the Ohio River, with nary a man left to tell the tale.

The sinful fox trot dance, all the rage back East, will corrupt our chaste young maidens, turning them into rouge-wearing, opium-smoking vampires, draining the life from American manhood with their poisonous kisses.

At the college pigskin matches, Harvard will lick Eli but good, and the St. Louis Browns will challenge and defeat the New York Knickerbockers in the World Series base-ball competition.

I will continue to profit handsomely from extensive investment in the burgeoning German munitions industry.

The most popular song of the year will be "Won't You Share a Strawberry Bromide With Me, Sweet Pollybelle Of Mine?" The second most popular song of the year will be "Float, Float, Float On My Merry Little Boat."

Our Lord Jesus Christ will descend from heaven in a flaming chariot, separating saint from sinner.

And, finally, Brickton Atlas-Trumpet Editor In Chief P. Oliver Gummidge will die, because I will have killed him.

A toast to the New-Year 1913! And may there be many more following!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close