adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Readers' Inquiries Answered

Every so often, I have my man-servant Standish bring a satchel of readers' letters to my bed-chamber. I like to acquaint my-self with the diverse concerns and views of my readership. Due to the volume, however, I am unable to answer all of the mails. There-fore, I have selected a few letters at random whose content I shall do my best to address.

Dear Mr. Zweibel, When are you finally going to die? Your column is easily the worst thing in The Onion and is neither insightful nor enjoyable. Do us all a favor and die. Die! Die, die, die, die, die! -Neil Bleier, Sacramento, CA

My Dear Mr. Bleier, Yes, I have wanted to die for a long time, but the combined forces of favorable genes and the fickle finger of Fate have prevented this. Until the time of my passing, I shall continue to write my Message To The Publisher, which I have written since 1896. In spite of your apparent contempt for the column, you will have to continue to read it, an action made mandatory by an act of Congress in 1923.

Dear Mr. Zweibel, Are you ever going to marry your sweetheart, Miss Bernadette Fiske? Also, why hasn't Mr. Tin, your robot nemesis, put in an appearance in a while? -Shelley Mancuso, smn832@aol.com

My Dear Miss Mancuso, It would be selfish of me to devote my entire column to my personal life, as this is an election year and the hated Whigs are once again threatening to seize the Presidency. I am puzzled by the cryptic series of numbers and letters after your name. It looks like the enigmatic communication of an artificial mechanical gentle-man. Are you a sympathizer of the villainous Mr. Tin? Or perhaps you are the evil metal scourge him-self! Blast you, Tin!

Mr. T. Human Zweibel Or Occupant, Do NOT throw this envelope away! Your unique, personalized sweepstakes-entry number 29850492113 may win you one of several TOP PRIZES! Enter TODAY! –Family Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

Huzzah! A thrilling chance to win a TOP PRIZE! But wait: Who is "Occupant"? Is there a chance he could usurp my winnings? This must not happen! Standish! Procure the assassin! This "Occupant" must be stopped before he can lay claim to my TOP PRIZE!

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close