adBlockCheck

Readers' Inquiries Answered

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Readers' Inquiries Answered

Every so often, I have my man-servant Standish bring a satchel of readers' letters to my bed-chamber. I like to acquaint my-self with the diverse concerns and views of my readership. Due to the volume, however, I am unable to answer all of the mails. There-fore, I have selected a few letters at random whose content I shall do my best to address.

Dear Mr. Zweibel, When are you finally going to die? Your column is easily the worst thing in The Onion and is neither insightful nor enjoyable. Do us all a favor and die. Die! Die, die, die, die, die! -Neil Bleier, Sacramento, CA

My Dear Mr. Bleier, Yes, I have wanted to die for a long time, but the combined forces of favorable genes and the fickle finger of Fate have prevented this. Until the time of my passing, I shall continue to write my Message To The Publisher, which I have written since 1896. In spite of your apparent contempt for the column, you will have to continue to read it, an action made mandatory by an act of Congress in 1923.

Dear Mr. Zweibel, Are you ever going to marry your sweetheart, Miss Bernadette Fiske? Also, why hasn't Mr. Tin, your robot nemesis, put in an appearance in a while? -Shelley Mancuso, smn832@aol.com

My Dear Miss Mancuso, It would be selfish of me to devote my entire column to my personal life, as this is an election year and the hated Whigs are once again threatening to seize the Presidency. I am puzzled by the cryptic series of numbers and letters after your name. It looks like the enigmatic communication of an artificial mechanical gentle-man. Are you a sympathizer of the villainous Mr. Tin? Or perhaps you are the evil metal scourge him-self! Blast you, Tin!

Mr. T. Human Zweibel Or Occupant, Do NOT throw this envelope away! Your unique, personalized sweepstakes-entry number 29850492113 may win you one of several TOP PRIZES! Enter TODAY! –Family Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

Huzzah! A thrilling chance to win a TOP PRIZE! But wait: Who is "Occupant"? Is there a chance he could usurp my winnings? This must not happen! Standish! Procure the assassin! This "Occupant" must be stopped before he can lay claim to my TOP PRIZE!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close