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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Readers' Inquiries Answered

Every so often, I have my man-servant Standish bring a satchel of readers' letters to my bed-chamber. I like to acquaint my-self with the diverse concerns and views of my readership. Due to the volume, however, I am unable to answer all of the mails. There-fore, I have selected a few letters at random whose content I shall do my best to address.

Dear Mr. Zweibel, When are you finally going to die? Your column is easily the worst thing in The Onion and is neither insightful nor enjoyable. Do us all a favor and die. Die! Die, die, die, die, die! -Neil Bleier, Sacramento, CA

My Dear Mr. Bleier, Yes, I have wanted to die for a long time, but the combined forces of favorable genes and the fickle finger of Fate have prevented this. Until the time of my passing, I shall continue to write my Message To The Publisher, which I have written since 1896. In spite of your apparent contempt for the column, you will have to continue to read it, an action made mandatory by an act of Congress in 1923.

Dear Mr. Zweibel, Are you ever going to marry your sweetheart, Miss Bernadette Fiske? Also, why hasn't Mr. Tin, your robot nemesis, put in an appearance in a while? -Shelley Mancuso, smn832@aol.com

My Dear Miss Mancuso, It would be selfish of me to devote my entire column to my personal life, as this is an election year and the hated Whigs are once again threatening to seize the Presidency. I am puzzled by the cryptic series of numbers and letters after your name. It looks like the enigmatic communication of an artificial mechanical gentle-man. Are you a sympathizer of the villainous Mr. Tin? Or perhaps you are the evil metal scourge him-self! Blast you, Tin!

Mr. T. Human Zweibel Or Occupant, Do NOT throw this envelope away! Your unique, personalized sweepstakes-entry number 29850492113 may win you one of several TOP PRIZES! Enter TODAY! –Family Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

Huzzah! A thrilling chance to win a TOP PRIZE! But wait: Who is "Occupant"? Is there a chance he could usurp my winnings? This must not happen! Standish! Procure the assassin! This "Occupant" must be stopped before he can lay claim to my TOP PRIZE!

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