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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Ready 4 Love

It is time.

Time for Smoove to get back in the game. But he is not here to play. No, Smoove has spent many of his nights looking out his penthouse window, his palms pressed together with his index fingers gently touching his lips, while contemplating the future.

These are the actions of a serious man.

The near life-changing hip injury he suffered during his apartment remodel forced Smoove to slow down and think. Sadly, these thoughts often turned to his one true girl.

These thoughts caused Smoove great pain. Even more pain than Smoove sustained to his pelvis during said remodel. But for this pain, there is no medication to take twice daily as per Smoove’s orthopedist’s instructions.

It is true my body, face, and clothing remain exquisite, but there is a scar on my soul. This wound is a result of the cold actions of my one true girl. Years ago, while the wound was fresh, the only way to relieve the pain was to cry out “Why?!” while falling to my knees during a downpour. Now the pain is a dull ache that causes Smoove to shake his head slowly while watching couples in love walking hand-in-hand on the beach, knowing that he had a love that was on another level and lost it forever.

Damn.

Smoove realized the only way to soothe the ache was to immerse himself, body and soul, in Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arranging. I had already mastered the art of American flower arranging to the point where a perfectly chosen and arranged selection of flowers could make a woman forget I had impregnated her sister on the hood of her own car. But Ikebana called to Smoove, for Smoove is always looking for a new arrow to add to his love quiver.

It was after a month of studying Ikebana that something happened. Something that baffled and confused Smoove. He could not master Ikebana.

This failure caused Smoove great misery. He had mastered the art of dressing fine, giving seductive looks, opening car doors in a suave fashion, pleasing that booty, drawing cleansing and flirtatious baths, composing light erotic verse, leaving the most seductive of voicemail messages, and making sensual dinners and comforting but light breakfasts. He had mastered all these things but could not master Ikebana.

Smoove tried so hard he nearly broke a sweat.

It was Smoove’s main man Darnell who freed him from his Ikebana prison. After telling him about my frustrations he looked at me, as only two master players can, and said, “Smoove, you acting crazy.”

Darnell’s wise words washed over me much like beads of purifying water from my imported massaging showerhead. I realized I needed to let go of Ikebana. Not only that, I knew I had to let go of my other major life failure: my relationship with my one true girl.

It took many long nights away from the city’s finest clubs to clear my mind, but I believe I have done just that. I have moved on. I am now ready for a new love.

However, I would like to take this time to say to my one true girl that, even though I am now over you, if you would change your mind about us, no force in the world would stop me from winning you back. I would crawl through the deepest jungles just to see your smile. No river, ravine, or pool of quicksand would slow me down. Even wild animals would stay away, saying things like, “Damn, he is one determined love man” and “This man is a wild animal, like us, but only while getting his freak on.”

The wild animals would say this because game recognizes game.

But now I must move on. I must find the woman I will pick up from work in the whitest limo available in the city. I must find the woman I will hand-feed succulent berries. I must find the woman who will eat side dishes of corn with me, every single night for the rest of our lives. The woman I will seduce each night. The woman I will bathe every morning and sometimes in the evenings. This woman will be my soulmate. The light of my life. My everything.

I will hit this woman doggy style all night long.

My path is now clear: I must find another one true girl.

Smoove out.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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