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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Ready 4 Love

It is time.

Time for Smoove to get back in the game. But he is not here to play. No, Smoove has spent many of his nights looking out his penthouse window, his palms pressed together with his index fingers gently touching his lips, while contemplating the future.

These are the actions of a serious man.

The near life-changing hip injury he suffered during his apartment remodel forced Smoove to slow down and think. Sadly, these thoughts often turned to his one true girl.

These thoughts caused Smoove great pain. Even more pain than Smoove sustained to his pelvis during said remodel. But for this pain, there is no medication to take twice daily as per Smoove’s orthopedist’s instructions.

It is true my body, face, and clothing remain exquisite, but there is a scar on my soul. This wound is a result of the cold actions of my one true girl. Years ago, while the wound was fresh, the only way to relieve the pain was to cry out “Why?!” while falling to my knees during a downpour. Now the pain is a dull ache that causes Smoove to shake his head slowly while watching couples in love walking hand-in-hand on the beach, knowing that he had a love that was on another level and lost it forever.

Damn.

Smoove realized the only way to soothe the ache was to immerse himself, body and soul, in Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arranging. I had already mastered the art of American flower arranging to the point where a perfectly chosen and arranged selection of flowers could make a woman forget I had impregnated her sister on the hood of her own car. But Ikebana called to Smoove, for Smoove is always looking for a new arrow to add to his love quiver.

It was after a month of studying Ikebana that something happened. Something that baffled and confused Smoove. He could not master Ikebana.

This failure caused Smoove great misery. He had mastered the art of dressing fine, giving seductive looks, opening car doors in a suave fashion, pleasing that booty, drawing cleansing and flirtatious baths, composing light erotic verse, leaving the most seductive of voicemail messages, and making sensual dinners and comforting but light breakfasts. He had mastered all these things but could not master Ikebana.

Smoove tried so hard he nearly broke a sweat.

It was Smoove’s main man Darnell who freed him from his Ikebana prison. After telling him about my frustrations he looked at me, as only two master players can, and said, “Smoove, you acting crazy.”

Darnell’s wise words washed over me much like beads of purifying water from my imported massaging showerhead. I realized I needed to let go of Ikebana. Not only that, I knew I had to let go of my other major life failure: my relationship with my one true girl.

It took many long nights away from the city’s finest clubs to clear my mind, but I believe I have done just that. I have moved on. I am now ready for a new love.

However, I would like to take this time to say to my one true girl that, even though I am now over you, if you would change your mind about us, no force in the world would stop me from winning you back. I would crawl through the deepest jungles just to see your smile. No river, ravine, or pool of quicksand would slow me down. Even wild animals would stay away, saying things like, “Damn, he is one determined love man” and “This man is a wild animal, like us, but only while getting his freak on.”

The wild animals would say this because game recognizes game.

But now I must move on. I must find the woman I will pick up from work in the whitest limo available in the city. I must find the woman I will hand-feed succulent berries. I must find the woman who will eat side dishes of corn with me, every single night for the rest of our lives. The woman I will seduce each night. The woman I will bathe every morning and sometimes in the evenings. This woman will be my soulmate. The light of my life. My everything.

I will hit this woman doggy style all night long.

My path is now clear: I must find another one true girl.

Smoove out.

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