Requiem For Mrs. Zweibel

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Vol 34 Issue 03

Old Friend Avoided In Hometown Convenience Store

HARWICH, MA—Boston graphic designer Kirk Bannon ducked out of a Harwich Stop 'N' Shop convenience store Tuesday, successfully avoiding contact with store cashier and onetime high-school classmate George Moseley. "George and I were in Mr. Telscher's first-period biology class together," said Bannon, 26, who was back in his hometown for a friend's wedding. "Looks like he's an assistant manager." After sneaking out of the Stop 'N' Shop, Bannon drove to a Gas 'N' Go three blocks away to purchase a gallon of milk and a New York Times.

Unremarkable Man Resembles Burt Ward

KALAMAZOO, MI—Walter Hodgson, a generally unremarkable Kalamazoo-area accountant, bears a strong resemblance to actor Burt Ward, it was reported Monday. "From a certain angle, especially when his hair is parted to the left, [Hodgson] really looks a lot like that guy who played Robin in the old Batman series," said Rick Tufts, who lives in the same apartment building as Hodgson. "Other than that, I can't say that there's anything all that distinctive about him."

Al Gore Excited, Proud To Be At Local Event

LAS CRUCES, NM—Vice-President Al Gore expressed excitement and pride over his presence at Saturday's 25th annual Las Cruces Air Show, where he delivered the honorary opening address. "I can't tell you how excited and proud I am to be here. This truly is one of the great American traditions," Gore told the crowd of 260. "And I know that President Clinton, who unfortunately could not be here today, feels the same way." Moments after his remarks, the excited, proud Gore left aboard Air Force Two, missing the entirety of the air show. Organizers of the event speculated that he was too excited to stay.

Creepy Late-Night Mortgage Ad Gives Insight Into True State Of Economy

Millions of late-night television viewers were given a rare glimpse into the true state of the economy Monday, when a creepy ad encouraging Americans to mortgage their homes to get out of debt aired numerous times on stations across the U.S. "Homeowners," the commercial stated, "do you have credit-card bills, loan payments or other large monthly bills that you can't afford? Capital Credit, the nation's leading home-mortgage specialists since 1965, can help. Call our toll-free number today." Said Jacksonville, FL, insomniac Bob Voss, who saw the ad at 1 a.m., 1:25 a.m., 1:56 a.m. and 3:12 a.m.: "I guess maybe there's something they're not telling us about the economy."

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

Hola amigos! What's goin' down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I've had problems like you wouldn't believe. First off, I blew a tire 'cause my alignment was all messed up, but my alignment couldn't be fixed until I replaced my master bearing. Plus, my clutch cable broke for the second time 'cause the firewall is bent in. Hombres, this ain't been an easy time in the life of Jim Anchower.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Requiem For Mrs. Zweibel

To-day marks the 100th anniversary of my marriage to my beloved wife, Mrs. Zweibel. Not a day goes by in which I don't think of my 41 years with her. I only wish I could remember her name. I think it was Mabel. Or perhaps Henrietta.

How reluctant she was to marry me! Perhaps it was because she was 12 years old at the time. But don't think ill of me for marrying such a youngster. Early matrimony for girls, much like father-daughter incest, was the custom of the day.

Mrs. Zweibel had a lovely singing-voice which rivaled that of the great Geraldine Farrar. I was determined to share her trilling soprano with the world, building an opera-house in Chicago and putting her on tour in the lead role in Salome. Unfortunately, her career was cut short when she foolishly mistook a bottle of rat-poison for her nightly sleeping-potion. She barely survived and was returned to the Estate to embark on a new career, that of a wife and mother.

At first, it was difficult to impregnate Mrs. Zweibel, because I was as impotent as one could get short of being a eunuch. But my physician discovered an effective animal-husbandry technique, and, from then on, whenever my issue could be extracted, Mrs. Zweibel would be found, pinned down, and inseminated. This some-times deeply embarrassed her, particularly if she was in the middle of tea with her lady-friends. Anyway, it did the trick, and in short order, I was the father of six strapping boys.

In 1917, a boy, D. Manfred, was born, but it was apparent from birth that the creature looked nothing like me. I deduced that he had been the product of a torrid union between Mrs. Zweibel and the coal-hauler who came to the Estate twice weekly. Incensed, I forbade Mrs. Zweibel from contact with the out-side world, despite her protests of innocence.

Sadly, she later died from a freak accident in which her neck came into contact with a curtain-cord. A note in her hand-writing was found pinned to her dress which read, incomprehensibly, "I can no longer continue to be joined in union to this hideous Beelzebub."

Despite her eccentricity and infidelity, Mrs. Zweibel still occupies a place in what is left of my heart.

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