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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Ro-Bots Are Trying To Kill Me

I'm often asked about the role of technology in our society, and whether it is ultimately beneficial or destructive. My reply: Technology is a scourge which must be abolished! I know this first-hand, for, as of this writing, a vast army of mechanical men surrounds my estate, ready to wipe me off the map!

I should have never let my middle son, U. Fairfax, talk me into the notion of owning a mechanical gentleman—or a ro-bot, as he calls it. When U. Fairfax presented me with Mr. Tin, I despised the artificial bastard at first sight. Its eyes glowed an unnatural yellow and its voice was like the unbearable sound of metal grinding against metal.

At first I gave it some rudimentary household chores, such as changing gramophone needles and darning stockings. U. Fairfax complained that I was criminally underusing this "wonder of the age," that it could do anything from playing a waltz on the concertina to ciphering the most difficult sums. So I commanded it to clear some brush in a remote corner of the estate.

Mr. Tin did as it was told, but before long it returned to the mansion to ask if there was anything else I desired. Vexed at the impudence of this metallic monstrosity, I screamed that the only thing I desired was for it to get lost. Upon hearing my words, Mr. Tin silently wept and lumbered off for parts unknown.

Good riddance, I thought. But I soon regretted my words. Shortly thereafter, stung by my rejection, Mr. Tin ran wild in the village, slaying a number of peasants and setting fire to the grist mill. The creature escaped into the mountains, where it began to construct others in its own hideous image. Before long, it had built a vast army, all for the sole purpose of wreaking revenge upon me!

Technology is strictly for the birds! I remember the days before ro-bots, when everything was calm and carefree, and everyone played the banjo. Now my servants are frantically boarding the windows and stuffing sandbags. I beg President Wilson to rescue me from a horrid fate! I'm sorry I called you "Old Porridge-Face," Woodrow! Help!

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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