adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Roach Motel

As my more astute readers will no doubt recall, about three weeks back, I was mysteriously transformed into a gigantic cock-roach. Though the change has been decidedly odd and shows no sign of reverting any-time soon, I must confess that I am having the time of my life. I can now eat all the foods that age and infirmity once denied me: binding-glue, horse-dung, toe-nail parings, silver-fish–everything! I can carry myself about my enormous mansion, though I cannot seem to keep from disappearing under furniture whenever the lights are suddenly switched on. I can even climb to the ceiling and suspend myself for a time. (It is quite luxurious to sway in the air-currents and doze off!) I leave a much smaller slime trail than I did as an aged gentle-man, and if my looks are not much improved, I gather that my odor most certainly is.

I remember my vizier once saying that perhaps we are men dreaming that we are butter-flies, or butter-flies dreaming that we are men. At the time, I thought his remark was some-thing straight out of a navel-gazing school-girl's composition-tablet, but now I'm glad I kept the wise old fool on the pay-roll. If this is indeed a dream, I hope I never awake from it!

However, one draw-back is that I have experienced increased difficulty in making myself under-stood. Yesterday, my solicitor Beavers entered my bed-chamber unsummoned, a presumptuous act for which I once would have had him flayed three times about the court-yard. But in my new and energized state, I was most delighted to see him.

"Beavers!" I exclaimed, eager to apply my new cock-roach vigor to the business of the news-paper, a purpose for which I knew it was uniquely suited. "Summon the press-men! For I have an inspiration concerning the use of certain animal-based dyes and inks which I believe would suit The Onion's needs, as well as being quite tooth-some!"

To my astonishment, Beavers did not respond with the veneer of civility that usually masks his repugnance. Instead, he took one look at me standing side-ways upon the oil portrait of the Kaiser (the cool of the canvas soothes my carapace), vomited up a pot-roast, and fled. The insolence! Back to the weekly temperance meetings with him!

As I write this, I hear Beavers instructing the stable-boy to maneuver a large, stickum-floored box in front of the door to my bed-chamber. I have no idea what it might be, but its adhesives smell at once delicious and dangerous, and Beavers' pot-roast is already half-gone. I wonder if the stickum tastes as good as the glue in the encyclopaedia bindings...

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close