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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Rudy Vallee is Corrupting Our Nation's Youth

Goddamn it, nurse! How many times do I have to tell you? Wipe front to back, not back to front! You want me to get an infection? Mindless ox!

But why should I be surprised? This so-called caretaker of mine is part of the younger generation, who've never done an honest lick of work in their entire lives! When they're not upsetting vegetable carts as they race about in their murderous velocipedes, they're adorning their faces with obscene shades of rouge! I blame this sorry state of affairs on the invention of electric refrigeration. It enables the young to consume sugared ices any time of day, spoiling their dinners and encouraging impudence toward their parents and county-appointed wardens!

The other day, whilst being wheeled through the village, I saw a shop offering Victrola talking machines for sale. A gang of rough-looking lads assembled around one of these contraptions, which was emitting a hideous wailing sound. Given permission to speak, my valet Standish told me the wailing was a recording of the voice of Rudy Vallee. Incensed, I dispersed the pimply idlers with a few swift waves of my cane. I demanded to speak to the proprietor, a weak-willed man who claimed that the youths were only enjoying some music before attending a scout meeting.

Rudy Vallee! I should have known. I recalled seeing him in a private screening of "Pep Follies of 1930," strumming his vulgar ukulele and screeching "Good Night Sweetheart." That heavy-jawed, so-called "crooner" is the force behind the decay of American values. His girlish prattlings cause the nation's women to swoon like silly geese when they should be busy churning butter. If that Vallee fellow had a shred of dignity, he'd discard his ukulele and take up the foghorn. Now there's a man's instrument! It keeps ships from dashing on the rocks. Ships that bring such sorely needed items such as hammers, thimbles, and enemas to our great Republic!

Speaking of enemas, I'm in dire need of a good flushing right now. Nurse! Where are you know, you sandbag-breasted layabout? Nurse!

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