Rudy Vallee is Corrupting Our Nation's Youth

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Vol 30 Issue 08

Advertiser Reaches Out To Youth With Off-Set, Mixed-Typography Font

NEW YORK—In a bold, unconventional attempt to target America's elusive youth demographic, the advertising firm of Saatchi & Saatchi will utilize an off-set, mixed-typography font in its upcoming print campaign for Sprite. "We feel this crazy, jagged, broken typewriter-style font will resonate strongly with the jaded youth of Generation X," said Stephen Freed, co-director of creative services for the New York-based advertising giant. "Its broken, imperfect look captures perfectly that disillusioned, anti-commercial, 'I don't fall for slickness, dude' sentiment of today's slacker youth grunge culture. It also scanned extremely well with our test focus groups."

Local Muppet Held For Questioning In Chicken Sex Ring

SHELBY, OH—An area muppet is being held for questioning regarding its role in an illegal underground chicken sex ring. The unnamed muppet, described as a blue, hyperactive, beaked male of unknown species, is suspected to have master-minded the operation, which involved some 2,500 chickens in 11 states. "Henrietta! Myrtle! Lucy!" the muppet shouted as Department of Animal Welfare officials dragged him from his home, where he was found naked Monday with more than two dozen female chickens.

West Bank Rioting Shatters 45 Minutes Of Middle East Peace

NABLUS, WEST BANK—Riots broke out in the streets of Nablus at 3 p.m. Monday, shattering a Middle East peace that had lasted for nearly 45 minutes. The violence, which left 15 Palestinian civilians and at least a dozen Israeli soldiers dead, was the most significant fighting to erupt in the volatile region since 2:15 p.m. that same day, when an Israeli tank ran over 85 rock-throwing Palestinians in the Gaza Strip. "Just before lunch, I believed things were moving forward," said disappointed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, speaking from a Jerusalem-area falafel shop. "But now that this delicious falafel and hummus sandwich is done, I just do not know." Netanyahu vowed to work with PLO leader Yasser Arafat to secure a true, lasting peace that will endure well into weekend.

Area Cockroach Fucking Huge

CLEVELAND—According to reports, a local cockroach discovered in a downtown apartment Monday is fucking huge. "Jesus Christ," said tenant Jeff Reiner, invoking the noted savior's name to emphasize the tremendous size of the insect. "That thing is fucking huge—did you see the size of that thing?" Added Reiner: "Damn, that's a fucking big cockroach."

Yeltsin's Failing Health

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

I Would Like To Win a Prize

This morning the telephone rang while I was downstairs washing some slacks, so I rushed upstairs and caught it on the 14th ring. To my surprise it wasn't my daughter in Tulsa or my neighbor Cecil, but a young man who told me I'd qualified for the final prize round for a trip to exotic Mexico City! I didn't remember signing up for any trip to exotic Mexico City, but I told the man, "Why, that's super—I would like to win a prize!"

Local Moviegoer Enjoying Movie So Far

OAKLAND, CA—It was recently learned that local moviegoer Jane Pressler, who went to see a showing of The First Wives Club at Oakland's Sunrise Multiplex just a short while ago, is enjoying the movie so far. "I'm really enjoying this movie so far," said Pressler, a dental hygienist whose favorite film is The Bodyguard. "I just can't wait to see what Goldie, Bette and Diane do to get even with those no-good, jerk ex-husbands of theirs." Moments later, Pressler erupted in laughter at a Bette Midler wisecrack relating to the IQ of her ex-husband's current, younger girlfriend. Said Pressler: "She's crazy!"
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Rudy Vallee is Corrupting Our Nation's Youth

Goddamn it, nurse! How many times do I have to tell you? Wipe front to back, not back to front! You want me to get an infection? Mindless ox!

But why should I be surprised? This so-called caretaker of mine is part of the younger generation, who've never done an honest lick of work in their entire lives! When they're not upsetting vegetable carts as they race about in their murderous velocipedes, they're adorning their faces with obscene shades of rouge! I blame this sorry state of affairs on the invention of electric refrigeration. It enables the young to consume sugared ices any time of day, spoiling their dinners and encouraging impudence toward their parents and county-appointed wardens!

The other day, whilst being wheeled through the village, I saw a shop offering Victrola talking machines for sale. A gang of rough-looking lads assembled around one of these contraptions, which was emitting a hideous wailing sound. Given permission to speak, my valet Standish told me the wailing was a recording of the voice of Rudy Vallee. Incensed, I dispersed the pimply idlers with a few swift waves of my cane. I demanded to speak to the proprietor, a weak-willed man who claimed that the youths were only enjoying some music before attending a scout meeting.

Rudy Vallee! I should have known. I recalled seeing him in a private screening of "Pep Follies of 1930," strumming his vulgar ukulele and screeching "Good Night Sweetheart." That heavy-jawed, so-called "crooner" is the force behind the decay of American values. His girlish prattlings cause the nation's women to swoon like silly geese when they should be busy churning butter. If that Vallee fellow had a shred of dignity, he'd discard his ukulele and take up the foghorn. Now there's a man's instrument! It keeps ships from dashing on the rocks. Ships that bring such sorely needed items such as hammers, thimbles, and enemas to our great Republic!

Speaking of enemas, I'm in dire need of a good flushing right now. Nurse! Where are you know, you sandbag-breasted layabout? Nurse!

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