Rudy Vallee is Corrupting Our Nation's Youth

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Rudy Vallee is Corrupting Our Nation's Youth

Goddamn it, nurse! How many times do I have to tell you? Wipe front to back, not back to front! You want me to get an infection? Mindless ox!

But why should I be surprised? This so-called caretaker of mine is part of the younger generation, who've never done an honest lick of work in their entire lives! When they're not upsetting vegetable carts as they race about in their murderous velocipedes, they're adorning their faces with obscene shades of rouge! I blame this sorry state of affairs on the invention of electric refrigeration. It enables the young to consume sugared ices any time of day, spoiling their dinners and encouraging impudence toward their parents and county-appointed wardens!

The other day, whilst being wheeled through the village, I saw a shop offering Victrola talking machines for sale. A gang of rough-looking lads assembled around one of these contraptions, which was emitting a hideous wailing sound. Given permission to speak, my valet Standish told me the wailing was a recording of the voice of Rudy Vallee. Incensed, I dispersed the pimply idlers with a few swift waves of my cane. I demanded to speak to the proprietor, a weak-willed man who claimed that the youths were only enjoying some music before attending a scout meeting.

Rudy Vallee! I should have known. I recalled seeing him in a private screening of "Pep Follies of 1930," strumming his vulgar ukulele and screeching "Good Night Sweetheart." That heavy-jawed, so-called "crooner" is the force behind the decay of American values. His girlish prattlings cause the nation's women to swoon like silly geese when they should be busy churning butter. If that Vallee fellow had a shred of dignity, he'd discard his ukulele and take up the foghorn. Now there's a man's instrument! It keeps ships from dashing on the rocks. Ships that bring such sorely needed items such as hammers, thimbles, and enemas to our great Republic!

Speaking of enemas, I'm in dire need of a good flushing right now. Nurse! Where are you know, you sandbag-breasted layabout? Nurse!


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close