Run, Zweibel, Run!

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

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Run, Zweibel, Run!

Well, with my vast fortune stolen by the villainous high-way-man Black Scarlet, I must once again make my way in the world. The local constabulary has no leads on the where-abouts of this fiend, who cleaned me out so thoroughly that I am as poor as a church-mouse.

The Zweibel Estate has been put up for sale. I was hoping the proceeds would restore some of my funds, but I have been informed that they will go toward my wastrel sons' enormous alimony payments and ongoing absinthe addiction.

The Baintons, my annoying, effete next-door neighbors, are the likeliest buyers. "The grounds would make ever such a scrumptious place to play croquet," said Chauncey, paterfamilias of that idiotic, inbred clan. "But that beastly mansion will simply have to come down. It's dreadfully imposing and gloomy, don't you know."

Curse those Bainton twits! To think that the great, historic Zweibel Mansion will be torn down like a tar-paper shanty! It's too awful to think about! How I will miss it and all my beloved possessions inside!

Good-bye, big stuffed moose-head! Good-bye, chafing-dish! Good-bye, meerschaum pipe! Good-bye, blotting-paper! Good-bye, armoire! Good-bye, cuspidor! Good-bye, death-bed! Good-bye, enema-bulb! Good-bye, iron-lung! Good-bye, socks!

Decades ago, a court order confined me to my estate. But because it is about to be lost, I find myself in a woeful quandary. Of course, my rotten sons do not want any part of me, as their inheritance is lost. So the state wants to lock me in the poor-house. Never! I would rather die first, or become a fugitive from justice! Since I am not dead, I have no choice but to become the latter.

Yes, it's true: T. Herman Zweibel will have to embark on the lone-some road, with only the clothes on his back, his wheel-chair, and a few meager personal items secured in a bandanna. Thankfully, my faithful man-servant Standish will accompany me in my desperate flight from the law. Dear Standish! How I treasure his immense obsequiousness, which I previously thought was rather eerie!

I will continue to communicate to you in my weekly "Message From The Publisher." But, because I am trying to elude the authorities, I shall write it under a pseudonym, Mr. Herman T. Zwiebel. If any-one asks you if you have read this column, deny it. Reading this has automatically made you an accomplice to my crime, and you could face serious jail-time.