adBlockCheck

Run, Zweibel, Run!

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Run, Zweibel, Run!

Well, with my vast fortune stolen by the villainous high-way-man Black Scarlet, I must once again make my way in the world. The local constabulary has no leads on the where-abouts of this fiend, who cleaned me out so thoroughly that I am as poor as a church-mouse.

The Zweibel Estate has been put up for sale. I was hoping the proceeds would restore some of my funds, but I have been informed that they will go toward my wastrel sons' enormous alimony payments and ongoing absinthe addiction.

The Baintons, my annoying, effete next-door neighbors, are the likeliest buyers. "The grounds would make ever such a scrumptious place to play croquet," said Chauncey, paterfamilias of that idiotic, inbred clan. "But that beastly mansion will simply have to come down. It's dreadfully imposing and gloomy, don't you know."

Curse those Bainton twits! To think that the great, historic Zweibel Mansion will be torn down like a tar-paper shanty! It's too awful to think about! How I will miss it and all my beloved possessions inside!

Good-bye, big stuffed moose-head! Good-bye, chafing-dish! Good-bye, meerschaum pipe! Good-bye, blotting-paper! Good-bye, armoire! Good-bye, cuspidor! Good-bye, death-bed! Good-bye, enema-bulb! Good-bye, iron-lung! Good-bye, socks!

Decades ago, a court order confined me to my estate. But because it is about to be lost, I find myself in a woeful quandary. Of course, my rotten sons do not want any part of me, as their inheritance is lost. So the state wants to lock me in the poor-house. Never! I would rather die first, or become a fugitive from justice! Since I am not dead, I have no choice but to become the latter.

Yes, it's true: T. Herman Zweibel will have to embark on the lone-some road, with only the clothes on his back, his wheel-chair, and a few meager personal items secured in a bandanna. Thankfully, my faithful man-servant Standish will accompany me in my desperate flight from the law. Dear Standish! How I treasure his immense obsequiousness, which I previously thought was rather eerie!

I will continue to communicate to you in my weekly "Message From The Publisher." But, because I am trying to elude the authorities, I shall write it under a pseudonym, Mr. Herman T. Zwiebel. If any-one asks you if you have read this column, deny it. Reading this has automatically made you an accomplice to my crime, and you could face serious jail-time.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close