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Sarah Jessica Gives 'Birth In The City'!

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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Sarah Jessica Gives 'Birth In The City'!

Item! Call it Birth In The City! Or Sex In The Nursery! But whichever word you choose to alter in the title of the show, Sarah Jessica Parker and hubby Matthew "Wargames" Broderick had themselves a baby! According to my sources, the blessed newborn is named Bueller Bradshaw Bloom Broderick. Whew, there's a mouthful! Congratulations to the happy couple, and let's hope the little guy has the acting gene that makes his parents so entertaining to watch. One thing's for sure, though: We'll all be closely watching what Mom dresses the little fella in.

It's a whole new TV season, and Tinseltown wonderman David E. Kelly has done it again! For those of us who felt it deeply when Fox took Ally McBeal away from us, Kelly has whipped up a trio of litigious cuties. And, boy, do these Kelly girls have spunk! The show, called girls time (hey, I know it should be capitalized, but try telling Mr. Michelle Phifer that!), is sweet, sassy, sexy, and poised to take TV by storm, mark my words!

Item! They made another installment of The Bachelor, and I wasn't told? If I had known, I would have put my name at the top of the list of eligible bachelors to be considered for the show. I'll have to keep an eye on the ABC web site to register for the next one.

One thing that hasn't done very well is the new Madonna movie, Swept Away. In it, she plays a rich woman shipwrecked on a desert island with an Italian. Why did it tank, you ask? Well, it couldn't have been Madonna, since everything she touches, from Shanghai Surprise to Dick Tracy, has turned to star-studded gold. And it couldn't have been director hubby Richie Guy, whose first movie Lock Stock & Barreled was so good he made it again as Snitch. Hollywood, brace yourself, because it's time for a Harvey wake-up call! Now, you'll have to excuse me for being "politically incorrect" here, but I don't think Middle America is ready for interracial relationships yet.

I've been thinking about getting a kitten. I just want to share the huge amounts of love I have, and it seems like a kitten would be the perfect thing.

Will we or won't we? That's the question on everyone's minds these days. Specifically, are we going to invade Iraq or not? If Sadaam Hussaine has weapons of mass destruction, we have to stamp him out, because he is an enemy of freedom. It is our job as the wealthiest democracy to ensure the safety of the world. I don't usually like to get political, but there's my two cents.

Call me crazy, but I've always preferred canned peaches to the fresh ones.

Pinch me, I've died and gone to diva heaven! All in a few weeks, we've gotten albums from Faith Hill, LeAnn Rhymes, Whitney Houston, Shania "Mutt" Twaine, Mariah Carrey, and Jennifer "Left Eye" Lopez. Hoo, boy, I hope I'm not forgetting anyone. Those divas can sure get fiery if they're shorted. And with all those albums to buy, there goes my mad money for the next few weeks.

Speaking of music, I've been hearing a lot about this Napster thing, where you download songs off the Internet without paying a penny. Well, I think that's just wrong.

Is Robert De Niro a busy guy or what? He's been in two movies this year, and Analyze The Other Thing is coming up in a few weeks, which I can't wait for, because I always wondered what happened to those characters after the first movie, and I can't ever get enough of Billy Crystal. Plus, the Harvey grapevine is buzzing with plenty more De Niro movies to come, including a turn as a mobster and one as a cop.

I was going to talk about the MTV Video Music Awards, but I forgot everything that happened during them. M&M was on, and he yelled at a puppet. Beyond that, it's all a blur.

Item! It's the trial of the century! All eyes are on Celebrity Justice (a new court show I can't get enough of) to see what's going to happen in the Winona Ryder shoplifting trial. The case has so many twists and turns, it's a miracle she doesn't get whiplash. And the starpower doesn't stop at the defendant's table. Word is, the jury includes such Hollywood heavyweights as Peter Guber, Vicki Lawrence, and former co-star Michael Keaton. With a cast like that, I can't wait for the movie version!

Is it me, or has there been nothing worth seeing in the theaters since Sweet Home Alabama?

In the Harvey Buzz department, there's going to be a new late-night talk show on ABC to replace Politically Inaccurate. The host? A heretofore unknown fellow named Jiminy Kimmel. I don't know much about him, except he was Igor to Ben Stein's Frankenstein on Win Ben Stein's Monkey, he likes beer, and he was on a radio show with Dr. Dre. It's always great to have another late-night talk show that gets celebrities to open up about their new movies.

I watched the movie Jackass, and I had a really hard time following the plot. Plus, there was a guy who ate his own urine in a snow cone. This is what people want to watch? Forget it—I'm moving to Canada!

Well, as much as it pains me, that wraps it up for now. I have plenty more dish to dispense, but I only have so much space. I was thinking about starting up a web site so I could just let everyone get inside my head for a while, but I'm pretty strapped for time. So until next time, when you're feeling low, just remember there's a whole industry out there devoted to making you feel good: the Magic Factory, the entertainment industry... Hollywood!

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