Sarah Jessica Gives 'Birth In The City'!

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Healthy Living

Sarah Jessica Gives 'Birth In The City'!

Item! Call it Birth In The City! Or Sex In The Nursery! But whichever word you choose to alter in the title of the show, Sarah Jessica Parker and hubby Matthew "Wargames" Broderick had themselves a baby! According to my sources, the blessed newborn is named Bueller Bradshaw Bloom Broderick. Whew, there's a mouthful! Congratulations to the happy couple, and let's hope the little guy has the acting gene that makes his parents so entertaining to watch. One thing's for sure, though: We'll all be closely watching what Mom dresses the little fella in.

It's a whole new TV season, and Tinseltown wonderman David E. Kelly has done it again! For those of us who felt it deeply when Fox took Ally McBeal away from us, Kelly has whipped up a trio of litigious cuties. And, boy, do these Kelly girls have spunk! The show, called girls time (hey, I know it should be capitalized, but try telling Mr. Michelle Phifer that!), is sweet, sassy, sexy, and poised to take TV by storm, mark my words!

Item! They made another installment of The Bachelor, and I wasn't told? If I had known, I would have put my name at the top of the list of eligible bachelors to be considered for the show. I'll have to keep an eye on the ABC web site to register for the next one.

One thing that hasn't done very well is the new Madonna movie, Swept Away. In it, she plays a rich woman shipwrecked on a desert island with an Italian. Why did it tank, you ask? Well, it couldn't have been Madonna, since everything she touches, from Shanghai Surprise to Dick Tracy, has turned to star-studded gold. And it couldn't have been director hubby Richie Guy, whose first movie Lock Stock & Barreled was so good he made it again as Snitch. Hollywood, brace yourself, because it's time for a Harvey wake-up call! Now, you'll have to excuse me for being "politically incorrect" here, but I don't think Middle America is ready for interracial relationships yet.

I've been thinking about getting a kitten. I just want to share the huge amounts of love I have, and it seems like a kitten would be the perfect thing.

Will we or won't we? That's the question on everyone's minds these days. Specifically, are we going to invade Iraq or not? If Sadaam Hussaine has weapons of mass destruction, we have to stamp him out, because he is an enemy of freedom. It is our job as the wealthiest democracy to ensure the safety of the world. I don't usually like to get political, but there's my two cents.

Call me crazy, but I've always preferred canned peaches to the fresh ones.

Pinch me, I've died and gone to diva heaven! All in a few weeks, we've gotten albums from Faith Hill, LeAnn Rhymes, Whitney Houston, Shania "Mutt" Twaine, Mariah Carrey, and Jennifer "Left Eye" Lopez. Hoo, boy, I hope I'm not forgetting anyone. Those divas can sure get fiery if they're shorted. And with all those albums to buy, there goes my mad money for the next few weeks.

Speaking of music, I've been hearing a lot about this Napster thing, where you download songs off the Internet without paying a penny. Well, I think that's just wrong.

Is Robert De Niro a busy guy or what? He's been in two movies this year, and Analyze The Other Thing is coming up in a few weeks, which I can't wait for, because I always wondered what happened to those characters after the first movie, and I can't ever get enough of Billy Crystal. Plus, the Harvey grapevine is buzzing with plenty more De Niro movies to come, including a turn as a mobster and one as a cop.

I was going to talk about the MTV Video Music Awards, but I forgot everything that happened during them. M&M was on, and he yelled at a puppet. Beyond that, it's all a blur.

Item! It's the trial of the century! All eyes are on Celebrity Justice (a new court show I can't get enough of) to see what's going to happen in the Winona Ryder shoplifting trial. The case has so many twists and turns, it's a miracle she doesn't get whiplash. And the starpower doesn't stop at the defendant's table. Word is, the jury includes such Hollywood heavyweights as Peter Guber, Vicki Lawrence, and former co-star Michael Keaton. With a cast like that, I can't wait for the movie version!

Is it me, or has there been nothing worth seeing in the theaters since Sweet Home Alabama?

In the Harvey Buzz department, there's going to be a new late-night talk show on ABC to replace Politically Inaccurate. The host? A heretofore unknown fellow named Jiminy Kimmel. I don't know much about him, except he was Igor to Ben Stein's Frankenstein on Win Ben Stein's Monkey, he likes beer, and he was on a radio show with Dr. Dre. It's always great to have another late-night talk show that gets celebrities to open up about their new movies.

I watched the movie Jackass, and I had a really hard time following the plot. Plus, there was a guy who ate his own urine in a snow cone. This is what people want to watch? Forget it—I'm moving to Canada!

Well, as much as it pains me, that wraps it up for now. I have plenty more dish to dispense, but I only have so much space. I was thinking about starting up a web site so I could just let everyone get inside my head for a while, but I'm pretty strapped for time. So until next time, when you're feeling low, just remember there's a whole industry out there devoted to making you feel good: the Magic Factory, the entertainment industry... Hollywood!

After Birth Video