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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

Baby, there is one piece of information in particular that you need to know: With Smoove B, satisfaction is guaranteed.

I will now outline how I will go about satisfying you.

First, I will dress myself in the finest clothes available. I will arrive at your apartment to pick you up for our night of passion in a stylish purple suit created by the most respected designers of our time. In addition to the suit, I will wear a shirt and dress shoes. The shirt will be white and made of silk, hand-sewn and put together in the finest lands of China. It will be spotless, and I will be gleaming.

The precision and care that go into my clothes will set the mood for our entire evening together.

Once I have arrived at your door, I will take you to my limousine, at which point we will drive in luxury and comfort to the place where all of the action is. I will take you dancing at the most exclusive clubs in the city, and we will shed all of our cares and inhibitions as we dance to only the finest beats.

Next, we will go to my luxurious apartment, where I will prepare a meal for you that will make your mouth water for more. I will prepare green beans with butter. I will serve rolls. I will serve vintage wine and also a bowl of corn. I will serve, as a main course, cooked pheasant. The pheasant will be composed of the highest-quality meat available, packaged in only the finest styrofoam and cellophane. It will be a meal fit for a Nubian queen.

Mashed potatoes will also be offered.

For dessert, I will serve you chocolates flown in specially from the south of Europe. And I will arrange that these chocolates will be certified as the finest chocolates made, as proven by a special certificate that will come with them. I will put the chocolates on a silk pillow and offer them for your consumption by getting down on my knee. I will then feed you the chocolates by hand. This will be a seductive way to show you that the pleasures of our night together have only just begun.

At this juncture, I would like to take the opportunity to interject and say that I am so sorry for all the times I have hurt you or gone back on my word to you. Girl, I am truly sorry about those particular times, and I urge you to forget about them and listen to the words I am saying now. They come from the heart.

I should also mention that I will treat you like a lady. I will treat you with the utmost delicate care and concern, as if you were a precious flower. I will treat you as if you were the light of my life and my one and only true desire. I will also offer to massage your neck if it is feeling sore.

It is now time for Smoove B to freak you wild.

Baby, when I make love to you, that is when you will reach the peak of your satisfaction. All the rest of my prior preparations before this time, even though they will be composed of great, great pleasures, will not come close to the level of pleasure you will experience when I am giving you my butta love.

I will caress your body slowly. I will kiss every inch of your aforementioned body, including the arms and back. I will do this with the passion of a wild animal, such as the leopard or cheetah, or perhaps the polar bear. I will put my sting in you. There will be tenderness also.

Then, when you are sufficiently wet, I will slide it in. This is when you will be satisfied. And that is my guarantee.

Damn.

I present this guarantee to you in writing as a token of my great seriousness about this matter.

In closing, let me say just this: I love you.

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