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Vol 35 Issue 02

Newest Baywatch Cast Member Kicks It With Byron Allen

LOS ANGELES—Debi Tyler, the latest beach beauty to join the cast of TV's Baywatch, kicked it with Byron Allen Saturday on Allen's syndicated TV talk show. The pair kicked it for exactly six minutes, marking Tyler's first nationally televised kicking of it. Also kicking it with Allen during the one-hour show were NBA star Grant Hill, supermodel Heidi Klum, funnyman Richard Jeni and Lima, OH, resident Jon Specht, winner of the show's "I Wanna Kick It With Byron Allen" contest.

Lone Geek Sits Off By Self Reading The Silmarillion Throughout Recess

BANGOR, ME—For the 17th consecutive recess period, unathletic pariah Jake Muncie sat off by himself Monday and read The Silmarillion, sources reported. The book, fantasy author J.R.R. Tolkien's posthumously published account of the creation of Middle Earth and the subsequent Wars of the Silmarils, engaged the 12-year-old for the entire 33-minute recess period. Muncie reportedly positioned himself in a corner of the school cafeteria, far enough from his dodgeball-playing classmates to remain unmolested.

Yeah, Area Man Is Drunk... So?

MENDHAM, NJ—What are residents of this normally quiet suburban enclave looking at? Are they looking at 34-year-old resident Darren Pollard? Is that it? Yeah, Pollard, who has reportedly consumed 11 beers in the past four hours, is drunk, but so what? Does the greater Mendham area have some kind of problem with that? Shit, Pollard, a truck driver and father of three, drinks when he wants to drink, and a small crowd of pedestrians outside Mickey's Old Towne Tavern had better believe that. Mother fuck—get off of Pollard, man, Pollard is sick of taking shit from local law-enforcement officials. Who does Lt. Tim Brophy, 42, of the Mendham Police Department think he is, fuckin' Rambo? This is bullshit.

Slightly Larger Chair Shifts Delicate Balance Of Office Power

OXNARD, CA—The highly complex intra-office power dynamic at the accounting firm of Adams, Fitzhugh & Associates shifted dramatically Tuesday, when a $229 Futura EZ-Roll office chair was delivered to the cubicle of Henry Rozema. The deluxe new chair, ordered to replace a broken one, stands a full two inches higher than that of co-worker Bill Kraft and, unlike Kraft's chair, features such options as a fingertip-controlled pneumatic height adjuster, customized swivel/tilt controls, a five-blade base with dual-wheel casters, and a leather-upholstered ergonomic backrest. "This radically alters the elaborate, ongoing power struggle between Henry and Bill," office manager Brenda Rutt said. "As partner Willard Haines' retirement draws ever closer, Henry and Bill's desire to replace him only grows stronger, and this striking, option-packed piece of office furniture gives Henry a substantial psychological edge."

Man At Adjacent Urinal Pretends To Look Straight Ahead

CHEHALIS, WA—Curious about his fellow urinator's penis, restaurant patron Dennis Munro rolled his eyeballs far to the left Monday in the hope of surreptitiously glimpsing the flaccid male organ of a man at an adjacent urinal. Pretending to focus intently on a square of white ceramic tile directly in front of him, Munro managed to crane his head very slightly to the left, which, combined with his extreme leftward eyeball positioning, afforded him a brief but clear glimpse of the four-inch-long neighboring penis. Experts believe the heterosexual Munro was acting upon an evaluative impulse, hoping to see a fellow male's penis for purposes of comparing it to his own.

I Hate My Next-Door Neighbors

Not long ago, I was the master of all I surveyed. As I gazed down from my mountain-top estate, I was confident in the knowledge that the fate of the yeomanry that cowered below was firmly in my grasp. I owned all the property in the local village and took 15 percent of the harvest. If a peasant wanted to leave the county, he had to pay a toll on one of my bridges and had to be back before night-fall, lest my feared mastiffs track him down and tear him limb-from-limb. Then the nouveau riche started moving in. Yes, I realize I just used a phrase from the hated French language, but it is the best way to describe the Johnny-Come-Latelies who have decided to pollute my environs with their effete ways. They claim they like to "winter" here, far from the chill and coal-smoke of the city, and hunt foxes, play polo and enjoy "cocktail" drinking-beverages and other silly nonsense.

Hipping Up The Grammys

Long-criticized as stodgy and out of touch, Grammy organizers are attempting to update the awards' image this year. What steps have they taken?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

Baby, there is one piece of information in particular that you need to know: With Smoove B, satisfaction is guaranteed.

I will now outline how I will go about satisfying you.

First, I will dress myself in the finest clothes available. I will arrive at your apartment to pick you up for our night of passion in a stylish purple suit created by the most respected designers of our time. In addition to the suit, I will wear a shirt and dress shoes. The shirt will be white and made of silk, hand-sewn and put together in the finest lands of China. It will be spotless, and I will be gleaming.

The precision and care that go into my clothes will set the mood for our entire evening together.

Once I have arrived at your door, I will take you to my limousine, at which point we will drive in luxury and comfort to the place where all of the action is. I will take you dancing at the most exclusive clubs in the city, and we will shed all of our cares and inhibitions as we dance to only the finest beats.

Next, we will go to my luxurious apartment, where I will prepare a meal for you that will make your mouth water for more. I will prepare green beans with butter. I will serve rolls. I will serve vintage wine and also a bowl of corn. I will serve, as a main course, cooked pheasant. The pheasant will be composed of the highest-quality meat available, packaged in only the finest styrofoam and cellophane. It will be a meal fit for a Nubian queen.

Mashed potatoes will also be offered.

For dessert, I will serve you chocolates flown in specially from the south of Europe. And I will arrange that these chocolates will be certified as the finest chocolates made, as proven by a special certificate that will come with them. I will put the chocolates on a silk pillow and offer them for your consumption by getting down on my knee. I will then feed you the chocolates by hand. This will be a seductive way to show you that the pleasures of our night together have only just begun.

At this juncture, I would like to take the opportunity to interject and say that I am so sorry for all the times I have hurt you or gone back on my word to you. Girl, I am truly sorry about those particular times, and I urge you to forget about them and listen to the words I am saying now. They come from the heart.

I should also mention that I will treat you like a lady. I will treat you with the utmost delicate care and concern, as if you were a precious flower. I will treat you as if you were the light of my life and my one and only true desire. I will also offer to massage your neck if it is feeling sore.

It is now time for Smoove B to freak you wild.

Baby, when I make love to you, that is when you will reach the peak of your satisfaction. All the rest of my prior preparations before this time, even though they will be composed of great, great pleasures, will not come close to the level of pleasure you will experience when I am giving you my butta love.

I will caress your body slowly. I will kiss every inch of your aforementioned body, including the arms and back. I will do this with the passion of a wild animal, such as the leopard or cheetah, or perhaps the polar bear. I will put my sting in you. There will be tenderness also.

Then, when you are sufficiently wet, I will slide it in. This is when you will be satisfied. And that is my guarantee.

Damn.

I present this guarantee to you in writing as a token of my great seriousness about this matter.

In closing, let me say just this: I love you.

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