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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Satisfaction Guaranteed

Baby, there is one piece of information in particular that you need to know: With Smoove B, satisfaction is guaranteed.

I will now outline how I will go about satisfying you.

First, I will dress myself in the finest clothes available. I will arrive at your apartment to pick you up for our night of passion in a stylish purple suit created by the most respected designers of our time. In addition to the suit, I will wear a shirt and dress shoes. The shirt will be white and made of silk, hand-sewn and put together in the finest lands of China. It will be spotless, and I will be gleaming.

The precision and care that go into my clothes will set the mood for our entire evening together.

Once I have arrived at your door, I will take you to my limousine, at which point we will drive in luxury and comfort to the place where all of the action is. I will take you dancing at the most exclusive clubs in the city, and we will shed all of our cares and inhibitions as we dance to only the finest beats.

Next, we will go to my luxurious apartment, where I will prepare a meal for you that will make your mouth water for more. I will prepare green beans with butter. I will serve rolls. I will serve vintage wine and also a bowl of corn. I will serve, as a main course, cooked pheasant. The pheasant will be composed of the highest-quality meat available, packaged in only the finest styrofoam and cellophane. It will be a meal fit for a Nubian queen.

Mashed potatoes will also be offered.

For dessert, I will serve you chocolates flown in specially from the south of Europe. And I will arrange that these chocolates will be certified as the finest chocolates made, as proven by a special certificate that will come with them. I will put the chocolates on a silk pillow and offer them for your consumption by getting down on my knee. I will then feed you the chocolates by hand. This will be a seductive way to show you that the pleasures of our night together have only just begun.

At this juncture, I would like to take the opportunity to interject and say that I am so sorry for all the times I have hurt you or gone back on my word to you. Girl, I am truly sorry about those particular times, and I urge you to forget about them and listen to the words I am saying now. They come from the heart.

I should also mention that I will treat you like a lady. I will treat you with the utmost delicate care and concern, as if you were a precious flower. I will treat you as if you were the light of my life and my one and only true desire. I will also offer to massage your neck if it is feeling sore.

It is now time for Smoove B to freak you wild.

Baby, when I make love to you, that is when you will reach the peak of your satisfaction. All the rest of my prior preparations before this time, even though they will be composed of great, great pleasures, will not come close to the level of pleasure you will experience when I am giving you my butta love.

I will caress your body slowly. I will kiss every inch of your aforementioned body, including the arms and back. I will do this with the passion of a wild animal, such as the leopard or cheetah, or perhaps the polar bear. I will put my sting in you. There will be tenderness also.

Then, when you are sufficiently wet, I will slide it in. This is when you will be satisfied. And that is my guarantee.

Damn.

I present this guarantee to you in writing as a token of my great seriousness about this matter.

In closing, let me say just this: I love you.

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