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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

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Satisfaction Guaranteed

Baby, there is one piece of information in particular that you need to know: With Smoove B, satisfaction is guaranteed.

I will now outline how I will go about satisfying you.

First, I will dress myself in the finest clothes available. I will arrive at your apartment to pick you up for our night of passion in a stylish purple suit created by the most respected designers of our time. In addition to the suit, I will wear a shirt and dress shoes. The shirt will be white and made of silk, hand-sewn and put together in the finest lands of China. It will be spotless, and I will be gleaming.

The precision and care that go into my clothes will set the mood for our entire evening together.

Once I have arrived at your door, I will take you to my limousine, at which point we will drive in luxury and comfort to the place where all of the action is. I will take you dancing at the most exclusive clubs in the city, and we will shed all of our cares and inhibitions as we dance to only the finest beats.

Next, we will go to my luxurious apartment, where I will prepare a meal for you that will make your mouth water for more. I will prepare green beans with butter. I will serve rolls. I will serve vintage wine and also a bowl of corn. I will serve, as a main course, cooked pheasant. The pheasant will be composed of the highest-quality meat available, packaged in only the finest styrofoam and cellophane. It will be a meal fit for a Nubian queen.

Mashed potatoes will also be offered.

For dessert, I will serve you chocolates flown in specially from the south of Europe. And I will arrange that these chocolates will be certified as the finest chocolates made, as proven by a special certificate that will come with them. I will put the chocolates on a silk pillow and offer them for your consumption by getting down on my knee. I will then feed you the chocolates by hand. This will be a seductive way to show you that the pleasures of our night together have only just begun.

At this juncture, I would like to take the opportunity to interject and say that I am so sorry for all the times I have hurt you or gone back on my word to you. Girl, I am truly sorry about those particular times, and I urge you to forget about them and listen to the words I am saying now. They come from the heart.

I should also mention that I will treat you like a lady. I will treat you with the utmost delicate care and concern, as if you were a precious flower. I will treat you as if you were the light of my life and my one and only true desire. I will also offer to massage your neck if it is feeling sore.

It is now time for Smoove B to freak you wild.

Baby, when I make love to you, that is when you will reach the peak of your satisfaction. All the rest of my prior preparations before this time, even though they will be composed of great, great pleasures, will not come close to the level of pleasure you will experience when I am giving you my butta love.

I will caress your body slowly. I will kiss every inch of your aforementioned body, including the arms and back. I will do this with the passion of a wild animal, such as the leopard or cheetah, or perhaps the polar bear. I will put my sting in you. There will be tenderness also.

Then, when you are sufficiently wet, I will slide it in. This is when you will be satisfied. And that is my guarantee.

Damn.

I present this guarantee to you in writing as a token of my great seriousness about this matter.

In closing, let me say just this: I love you.

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